Honoring Gary––An Alternative to a Traditional Memorial Service

As you know, my brother, Gary passed away on January 4, 2025. Before he died, Gary expressed his strong feelings that he did not want a traditional funeral. He wasn’t religious, and he was not connected to a church. He wanted to be cremated. Gary wanted his ashes buried in the garden of the home where he lived for many years and where his son, Ryan, now lives. Gary’s planning stopped there. How we would honor and memorialize Gary, was left to his wife, Andrea, son, Ryan and daughter, Laura, to discover.

The first decision was when this remembrance would take place. Andrea chose a date that was meaningful ––April 19th, the day before Easter, and five days before his birthday on April 24th. Andrea wanted a private celebration for family. It would be held at the once small house he and Andrea had bought, and Gary had redesigned, remodeled and expanded. Recently, they had sold this lovely property to their son, Ryan.

In the months between his father’s death and the Day of Remembrance, Ryan created a memorial garden for his dad on the upward slope behind the house. Now, the house and the acreage had a history with the Knox family that made this setting even more meaningful. The house had originally been part of the Earl estate. Mrs. Earl was a Vanderbilt, and our father was employed by her for over 20 years. Our parents and I, for a time, lived on the estate. Thus, the land where Gary now rests is connected to family history.

So, we had a date, a setting and a purpose––to bury Gary’s ashes as he wished. Now, who would be involved? Andrea invited members of the immediate and extended family––from Oregon and Florida, northern and eastern Connecticut, as well as local family members.

I appreciated Andrea’s idea to gather everyone inside what is now Ryan’s, and his wife, Susan’s home, for coffee and nibbles before the actual ceremony. This was our opportunity to connect before going deeper to create the collective spirit of the ritual. Then, it was time to move outdoors into the garden Ryan had prepared to receive his father’s ashes.

Mother nature was beautifully present on this special day. The backdrop was a beautiful spring day and the daffodils and forsythia with their yellow flowers were glorious.

The garden was on the upward slope behind the house. Ryan had mulched and planted ornamental trees and bushes. He had placed potted flowers from several of us around the garden. Chairs were arranged in rows on one side. There were twenty of us and three children. We walked up the slope and took our seats.

Ryan stood before us and welcomed us to share in this ritual for his father. A tall evergreen tree was planted at the highest place in this memorial garden. It is so fitting the tree is tall because Gary was always the tallest person in the family. Ryan had the container with Gary’s remains beside him. He dug a hollow in front of the tree and placed some of Gary’s ashes into the earth. Andrea and Laura, followed. Next came the grandchildren Jacob, Leah and Anna. The rest of the family members, one by one, also reverently placed Gary’s ashes in the earth. Some used a trowel, others their bare hands.

It felt like each one of us was blessing Gary by placing his ashes beneath the tree. His ashes will nourish the living tree.

Next, Andrea stood before us and shared about her life with Gary.

Andrea talked about the beautifully written love letters Gary had written her every day when he was drafted in the army. She said that when she recently looked them over, one fell out and she chose to read that love letter today to our gathering. Their marriage was a love story that lasted over fifty years.

Andrea inspired everyone to share memories of Gary, whether they were spontaneous or prepared. It was amazing how many people mentioned Gary’s generosity to relatives and friends. If he knew there was a need, he would be there to help. Gary tended to quietly take care of things for all of us without making a big deal about it. He was never looking to take credit for all his good deeds.

After the ashes and the sharing, it was time for everyone to collect at Venice Restaurant in town. It was always a favorite of Gary’s. We had our own separate dining room and individual menus with Gary’s name on top. Throughout the ages there is something about the practice of eating together, or “breaking bread,” that goes beyond the basic need for food. I wonder if one of the reasons is to feel grounded after such a spiritual experience. People talk, share stories, celebrate love on a worldly level. Also, people acknowledge the efforts of the caretakers who expended so much energy to care for their loved one. Andea’s devotion to her husband was amazing. Laura and Ryan spent hours being with their father before his passing.

The meal provides a moment of rest, and an unstated acknowledgment that although a loved one has been lost, the family will go on living. This communal meal brings a recognition, as well, that there are roles that have shifted. Ryan, rather than Gary, is now the elder male Knox of the family.

Reflecting back on Gary’s memorial, I am astonished at what we achieved without the formality of a religious figure –– no priest, rabbi or minister was present. It was the blending of hearts that made a special, spiritual experience that nourished us all.

Originally published on The Ageless Goddess blog.