by Sandrine Perradin
When we got married, we signed a contract. A marriage contract, between him and me. Just the two of us.
When I birthed my first child, a new contract was signed (by blood, not by ink). A family contract.
Those two are very different. One is between a wife and a husband. That’s it. The other is between a mother, a father, and children.
When you divorce, you end the first contract, the marriage contract. BUT NOT the family contract.
Usually, when we divorce, it is because the marriage is not working. And that is the contract that we end. However, most people break the family contract as well. Not that they want to, but just because they don’t know any better.
Society is such, that they made us believe that the end of a couple means the end of a family. So wrong!!
The fact that you do not want to be married anymore has nothing to do with being parents. Those two have to be treated separately.
The pain usually comes because of the marriage not working. And that is what we need to stop. The marriage, not the family.
Most divorces go sour because we can’t make the difference. So we are scared, we think we are going to lose our family, and when we are scared, we can become very aggressive (especially with men).
Most men are scared of losing their children, their family, and that is why they go into fight mode. We just have to make them understand that they will not be losing their family.
Do you understand the difference? Marriage vs family.
Now the great news: What does not work, belongs in the marriage. And the marriage is what we are ending, and will be in the past with the pain. The future is about family. Boundaries and communication are different. We don’t get triggered the same way, and we actually get along better. Why? Because we stoped being married!!
Now, it does not just happen like that of course. What needs to happen first, is this mindset shift. You and your husband have to believe that you are not breaking the family, but just ending the pain you both have endured for so long.
Once you are on that page, then you can work together to create this beautiful divorced family.
At the end, the children don’t care if you sleep in the same bedroom or in the same house. That is between a couple.
What they care is that their parents are still there for them. Showing a united front. Children need stability and their parents.
A divorce does not have to break that.
Yes you can have your cake and eat it too. Leave the bad in the marriage suitcase that did not work, and bring the good in the divorce by staying a family.
Most (not all), but most of us actually do want to keep our family, but we just don’t know that it is possible.
So, here I am telling you: Yes, it is possible. I have done it. Thousands of families have done it. They stopped the marriage and build the family even stronger.
We all end up being happier and stronger as a family. No more hate, no more fights. Only good times with the family.
And yes, there are sometimes still some triggers that show up, but you no longer have to deal with them. You can just turn around with a smile and say, time to go.
Sandrine Perradin is an author, coach and speaker. She helps couples going through divorce peacefully to keep their family. Contact her if you want to know how to stop the fights and divorce peacefully. Her website is BeautifulDivorce.com and she can be contacted by email at [email protected]
Top graphic via Pixabay