In a recent TMV post (“Bye Bye Barry”), Guest Voice Joel S. Hirschhorn looked ahead to that “historic November day” when ” [D]espite the hundreds of millions of dollars he raised, Barack Obama has lost the 2008 presidential election. American voters have boldly spoken truth to arrogance.” and, “Of course, now the nation must suffer through the ineptness, confusion and dementia-like dullness of the living-in-the-past John McCain, tough-talking but brain dead.”
Since Hirschhorn was able to predict with so much certainty and “fervor” the outcome of our election still almost three months away, let me try to predict what Senator Joe Lieberman will say a a little over a week from now when he speaks before Republicans on the first night of the Republican National Convention.
It will not be as detailed and eloquent as Hirschhorn’s prediction, neither will it be as irreverent.
Senator Joseph I. Lieberman:
My future fellow Republicans, and Americans:
I stand before you tonight as a former loyal Democrat, as a present loyal Independent Democrat, and—starting tomorrow—as a future loyal Republican. As you know, the next president of this great country, Senator John McCain, has selected me to be his running mate. So, instead of making two speeches, one tonight as a loyal Republican-to-be and one the day-after-tomorrow when I would have given my acceptance speech as your loyal Republican vice presidential nominee, I will do it all tonight.
You notice I said, “starting tomorrow as a future loyal Republican.” That is because some members of my previous Party (the one previous to my present Independent status) have suggested that since I am not a Republican, I may face a legal—and Convention—challenge accepting the nomination and being certified on some state ballots. But, my future fellow Republicans, I assure you: that will not be a problem, as I have faced such “switching” challenges successfully several times before.
Now, to the real issues. Let me tell you why Senator McCain is so right in picking me as his running mate. First, I bring to the Republican Party much needed stability, unity, bi-partisanship, err, sorry, tri-partisanship, continuity of conservative principles, and, did I mention loyalty?
But, first and foremost, John McCain has repeatedly said, “I will nominate a person to be vice president, my running mate, who shares my principles, my values and my priorities.” Well, here he stands before you:
I share John’s principles, especially when it comes to loyalty to my Party and to my constituents.
I share John’s values, with the exception of that pesky, pro-life issue, and a few other minor values. But, not to worry, I may change my positions shortly—I have done that before. Anything for party unity, and for my nomination.
I share John’s priorities, especially his bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran position, and staying in Iraq for one hundred years.
John and I have a lot in common. During the 2000 presidential elections, John was the Democrat’s favorite Republican. During the 2006 senatorial elections, I was the Republicans’ favorite Democrat. Isn’t that a happy coincidence?
Additionally, I will help John win the elections by a landslide, as I will attract the votes of my previous fellow Democrats like a magnet. They just adore me!
At a sprite age of 66, I bring relative youth to the ticket. And God knows, after celebrating his 72nd birthday a couple of days ago, John needs an influx of fresh ideas, lucidity, and assistance with reading and remembering names, dates and places. I am sure you all remember my whispering into his ear when John confused Iraq, Iran and Al Qaeda recently in Iraq.
And talking about age, another important consideration is that, after four years of our joint presidency, I’ll still be a young 71—a whole year younger than John is now—and will be able to run for the presidency of this great country as a Republican if you’ll have me, or, if not, for vice president again, under the lovely Hillary Clinton. Did I mention my most important principle, loyalty?
Finally, I would like to end my combined Convention-Acceptance speech on a very high and positive note. I don’t know if you have read that Liberal drive-by-media’s (the Associated Press) report discussing several possible McCain picks for vice president and calling me “the Democratic vice presidential prick in 2000 who now is an independent.” Wait till we win these elections, John and I will together sing “Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb” you-know-who!
Thank you and goodnight.
