Domestic Abuse: One Survivor’s Experience
by Debra Zettelmier
I remember growing up wanting to marry someone who was just like my father & wanting a marriage like the one my parents had. My father served 30 years in the Navy and my mother was a nurse. I didn’t come from a broken home, I didn’t grow up in an abusive home. My father never abused my mom, never even put her down in any way, shape or form. They had a strong marriage and loving marriage. My father always protected her, loved her and even romanced her by showing her affection all the time. That’s the role models I had growing up. Therefore no one had suspected the terror I was going to endure later on in my life.
At 15 years old I met a man 3 years older than me. He happened to be the brother of a friend of mine in high school. I remember when he drove us home from school his piercing blue eyes would be staring at me in the rear view mirror. From then on I developed a crush on this man that would later turn out to be a real “monster in my closet.” Nothing could have prepared me for the nightmare that would ultimately be my life or my death. My parents did not like him at all, especially my father, many arguments later my parents told me to go live with him, they were done dealing with the situation and wanted no part of it or me any longer. So, by 16 years old I moved in with him, his mother & his sister.
Took me years to forgive myself for not listening to my parents.
VIOLENCE BEGINS: My very first beating was 6 months after moving in with him. I had photos of childhood friends, high school friends (including boys whom were my close friends too). Jealousy was usually the instigator of the beatings I endured. Never mind the fact that at 19 years old he was already an alcoholic. Anyways, he opens the container where I kept my photos & I went flying across the room, knocking off a lamp and perfume bottles after a huge punch to my face and the beating to follow. I was literally frightened to the core.
A couple of hours later as my face began to swell he apologized & started crying. He said, “It was an accident & I didn’t mean to do it”. He bought me flowers and a card. He also said those famous 5 little words, “IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN”. I remember calling my mom and asking her if I could come home but the answer was “NO”. So, I stayed in the relationship because I had nowhere to go. The first year he made me feel beautiful, he spoiled me by buying me a lot of stuff, insisting I didn’t need to work that I never needed to work, that I can depend on him for the rest of my life.
Needless to say, a few years later I learned this is how the manipulation started. A sociopath laying down the groundwork to alienate me from the outside world. Unfortunately, it worked.
LONG STORY SHORT: For the first couple years I got beat about every 3-6 months. Depending on how drunk he was. Black eyes, broken fingers from putting my hands up to protect my face, bleeding a lot from my lips being cut because as the beatings progressed, he started wearing rings. Welts turned into huge bruises with lumps & knots all over my body, my head included. Soon the friends that I had left were all gone. He threatened them and they couldn’t stand to look at me anymore.
I did leave once but he kept causing so many problems, so many threats, so much rage and anger and stalking that I couldn’t put my friends through anymore.
Police said there was nothing they could do because they were just threats so, I went back to him and everything got worse. My hell was just beginning. To make a long story short, 6 years later I escaped after I was Beat, raped and almost strangled to death.
Women who leave abusive relationships usually leave with the clothes on their back, no car, they don’t even have an education. Basically they have to start over. Some women even have children that suffer. They have to go live in shelters.
Evolution Lighthouse is an awesome charity that donates money, clothes, etc to help women of domestic violence. Charities like these have helped me out so much when I needed clothes, even clothes for job interviews, food and a bus pass. They even donated money for me to receive counseling.
My self esteem was gone, I wasn’t just beat, raped and tortured physically, I was also mentally, emotionally and spiritually broken. I had no clue where to begin or who I was when I left. I used to talk to abusers in prison about their actions and the consequences of the pain they instill because it helped heal my heart. Charities like these really do help victims. They understand what women go through.
A few years ago, I had to deal with what happen to me. I’m not a victim but a survivor. I found forgiveness along the way because the more I let it haunt me, the more angry I became. Then I had to deal with WHY I was so attracted to a man that could easily kill me without a second thought. The answer is my self esteem as a teenager. At 13 years old I was raped and I had never healed from it. Girls who grow up broken, abused or bullied have low self esteem and to an abuser they are magnets, like moths to a flame.
I learned after giving back to women that we as a society need to teach our girls how to love themselves and teach our boys how to treat women. You see, don’t ask a woman why she stayed, ask the abuser why he did it? The blame needs to shift to the abuser.
TODAY: Now, I am a nurse, I have great self esteem. I love being who I am today and I don’t regret anything that has happened because now I can help other women. I have a great boyfriend only because I worked on myself and the damage it caused me. I didn’t want to live with it anymore. I wanted to find out who I really was and I did.
This article is reposted from the highly popular San Diego Chargers fan blog BoltBlitz which today is holding an event with Evolution Lighthouse at the Cali Comfort Barbecue, Troy St, Spring Valley, CA, at 4 p.m. A portion of the proceeds from purchasing Evolution Lighthouse’s Eric Weddle’s Gameday Collection jewelry line.goes to numerous charities supporting battered women.