People need an occasional hiatus from the serious side of life. So, the following comedy break is presented. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Welcome to this comedy edition of Middle Mayhem, presented to give TMV readers a break from the serious stuff.

As a way of introducing myself, I am posting an interview of me that was posted on the now-defunct blog Life Like Pundits. The interview appeared on the blog before my wife passed away.

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THE INTERVIEW

LLP: Have you always wanted to be a writer?

DR: Yes, indeed. When I was a kid, my high school Sanskrit teacher told me that I had a talent for writing. However, he warned me that I shouldn’t become a professional writer until something called the “printing press” was invented. So I waited. When Johannes Gutenberg finally got around to inventing the thing, he told me that he didn’t have time to publish my writings because he was too busy printing the Bible. As luck would have it, after the Bible was printed, it became the world’s all-time best seller. If only I had been first in line at Gutenberg Publishing, I would be rich and famous now instead of just being good looking.

LLP: Have you considered involvement in other forms of entertainment?

DR: Yes, I have. When Gansta Rap began becoming popular, I hired an agent and sought a recording contract as a rap artist. My stage name was “Toothpick Shakur”. Motown never did return my calls.

LLP: What else have you tried doing?

DR: I tried stand-up comedy. I had to stop because audiences kept yelling at me to sit down.

LLP: While in the U.S. Navy, you worked beside an active nuclear reactor. Have you experienced any negative consequences as a result of doing so?

DR: I’ll admit that there have been a few negative consequences. Once I was arrested for impersonating a neon light. Plus, I am banned from entering grocery stores. The last time that I went grocery shopping, I made the mistake of walking down the aisle that had all of the microwave meals. By the time that I reached the end, everything on the aisle was well done, including the sushi.

LLP: If you can’t go grocery shopping, then you must be rather skinny.

DR: Well, duh. Why do you think my stage name was “Toothpick Shakur”?

LLP: Let’s change the subject. Tell us about your family. You have a son. What is he like?

DR: Let me put it to you this way. My son has taught me why some animals eat their young. My wife says that my son acts just like me.

LLP: About your wife, it seems that she doesn’t want to be associated with you. But why? She married you.

DR: Yes, but she says that she has regained her sanity.

LLP: How was your wedding?

DR: The wedding lasted much longer than I expected. During the ceremony, the minister made the customary statement, “If there be anyone here who has an objection to this marriage, let him speak now.” Right then members of my wife’s family started a filibuster.

LLP: Your wife’s family didn’t approve of you?

DR: Apparently. One of my wife’s relatives served as the photographer. When the photos were developed, I discovered that my head was cut off in every photo.*

LLP: Was there any other trouble during your wedding?

DR: Before or after the police showed up in riot gear?

LLP: Uh, before.

DR: Well, there was the incident that set off the riot.

LLP: What happened?

DR: It happened at the end of the ceremony. The minister made the customary statement: “Now you may kiss the bride.” Before I could make my move, my wife was in a lip-lock with my best man. Behind him were all the other men, standing in a line.

LLP: Is that when you started the riot?

DR: I didn’t start the riot. The minister did. He cut in line.

LLP: How did your wife react?

DR: She left before the police arrived. When I asked her where she was going, she replied, “I have a date.”

LLP: Didn’t you object?

DR: Of course I objected. I told her that I deserved her respect. She replied, “If I wanted to marry a man who was respectable, I would have married Rodney Dangerfield.”

LLP: Ouch! That must have hurt. Did anything else go wrong?

DR: Well, after the wedding, I didn’t see my wife again for several days. The next time that I had contact with her was when she sent me a post card. On the back of it, she had written, “Having a wonderful honeymoon.”

LLP: Gee, that is awful. Why did your wife marry you in the first place?

DR: She said that marrying me was the penance that her confessor assigned to her.

LLP: Changing the subject again, what does your wife think about you joining this blog?

DR: She says that if this blog were a village, then I would be its idiot.

LLP: She has a point. Do you think that she would be interested in joining this blog, too?

DR: I don’t know. I will have to ask her when she gets back from her second honeymoon.

[*This part of the story is factual.]

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The concept of planet Melmac and its natives is the creation of puppeteer and actor Paul Fusco.