Osama bin Laden was so depressed about Al Qaida’s low favorability ratings in the Arab world, we now learn, that he considered a name change for the franchise and a new career. No word as to whether he was mulling a Donald Trump invitation to host “The Apprentice: Boardroom Terrorism” or to be the subject of a Comedy Central Roast, which would have certified him as a has-been.

Death, a panel of political experts has voted, was a better career move.

Jimmy Carter has officially protested Mitt Romney’s claim that he himself would have killed Osama: “Of course, even Jimmy Carter would have given that order.” The 39th President insists that nothing about a Nobel Prize keeps one from a cold-blooded killing, although such activity is not as mandatory as it is for venture capitalists.

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