I was just about to write a year-end sarcastic piece – that is the only way to look at 2021 in the rearview mirror without losing one’s sanity — about what happened this past year when I came across a “roundup of the top things that didn’t happen in 2021.”
The roundup is by none other than the finest satirist I know, a comedian, a New York Times best-selling author and writer of the New Yorker’s “The Borowitz Report,” the best satirical column on the planet: Andy Borowitz.
While the round-up could include a score more events that didn’t happen in 2021, the following list is enough to make one at least smile at what didn’t happen, because what did happen could well fit in the Nine Circles of Dante’s Inferno.
Although the summaries below (from a New Yorker mailing) are sufficient to elicit that smile, please read the full satire at the New Yorker. If you hit a paywall after a few, consider subscribing to the New Yorker. Andy’s humor alone is well worth the price.
This is not a commercial for the New Yorker. Consider it a public (mental health) service announcement.
No one knows what additional grief the New Year will bring, but Andy’s satire will make sure it “doesn’t happen.”
Here are some of those 2021 events that didn’t happen:
• “Trump to Defend Self After Receiving Law Degree from Trump University.”
In his first official statement as the lead attorney of his defense team, Trump vowed not to quit the team “like those other losers.”
• “Trump Orders Kevin McCarthy to Go to Prison in His Place.”
“I can think of no greater honor than going to prison for this wonderful man,” McCarthy said.
• “Trump’s Taxes Reveal He Claimed Ted Cruz as Dependent”
“Ted is my little baby, and everyone knows it,” Trump said.
• “Bannon Caught Fleeing U.S. Disguised as Man Who Recently Took Shower”
“He showered, shaved, and even combed his hair,” a T.S.A. agent said. “He was totally unrecognizable.”
• “Deranged Trump Orders Eric and Don, Jr., to Hand Out Flyers with His Tweets on Them”
Wearing his bathrobe, Trump summoned his adult sons to the Oval Office and scrawled his message on a piece of paper with one of the Sharpies that had served him well in the past.
• “Trump Tells January 6th Panel He Has Diplomatic Immunity as Russian Official”
Having once hired Rudolph Giuliani as his attorney, he would also be justified in pleading insanity.
• “QAnon Fears That Greene’s Obsession with Jewish Space Lasers Is Distracting Her from Battling Baby-Eating Cannibals”
In an emergency meeting of QAnon elders, the conspiracy theorists issued a communiqué warning Marjorie Taylor Greene to “stay on point.”
• “Republicans Say It Is Unconstitutional to Hold Officials Accountable Unless They Are Hillary”
“To see legal guardrails that James Madison explicitly designed for Hillary Clinton used on someone who is demonstrably not Hillary Clinton is a disgrace,” one senator said.
