So if I have offended anyone, or because I have offended everyone, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I realized too late that all the great put-downs that helped me put away the 16 dwarfs don’t translate well to the general election.

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I’m sorry I pretended I was going to release my tax returns. Of course I didn’t pay any taxes. I have the all-time greatest real estate deductions and depreciations.

I’m sorry I asked African-Americans “What do you have to lose by supporting me?” in front of a crowd of white people. I’m sorry I can never find my African-American.

I’m sorry I continue lying about my wild gesticulations mocking a disabled reporter at the failing New York Times. And I’m really sorry that Hillary’s super PAC used it in an ad and made me look like an oaf.

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I’m sorry, given how horribly I’m doing with women, that I need Roger Ailes to help me with the debates and my post-campaign media company. Many people are saying we should call it the “We Only Hire Foxes” network.

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Speaking of tacos, I’m sorry nobody understood why a Mexican judge could not be fair to me because of the wall. Isn’t it obvious why a Mexican-American is the same as a Mexican but a German-Scottish American is a pure American?

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I’m sorry everyone is calling my new campaign C.E.O., Steve Bannon, the “Most Dangerous Man in America.” That’s my job. And I’m sorry that everyone is disgusted that I hired the guy who made Breitbart a white nationalist manifesto. The website is right-wing and right: White European immigrants like Melania, good. Third Worlders demanding welfare, bad. Close the borders and expel the invaders. #WinterIsComing.

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I’m sorry that it doesn’t matter who runs my campaign because I always speak with myself, No. 1, because I have a very good brain and I’m very rich.

I’m sorry that while I’m being too honest, Crooked Hillary is never really sorry for all her lies and illegal operations. She’s like Lyin’ Lochte, just sorry she got caught. Hearing her apologize is as likely as seeing those 33,000 yoga emails.

I’m sorry the Clintons didn’t realize until now how bad it was to be using the State Department as a favor factory for big donors to the foundation. I’m all for pay-for-play, but only at my golf courses.

I’m sorry Hillary had to besmirch poor Colin Powell by claiming he gave her the idea for private emails. Hasn’t his reputation suffered enough pushing that phony war at the U.N.? Have I mentioned that I was against the Iraq war before the British mapmakers invented Iraq? I’m sorry more people don’t believe that.

And I’m sorry Hillary is so unhealthy and weak that she hardly ever campaigns and needs pillows to prop her up when she does. I’m sorry to say that she does not have the stamina to take on ISIS. But I am not sorry to say that I am fully recovered from the bone spurs that got me out of Vietnam and ready to kick the you-know-what out of ISIS.

I’m sorry that Hillary won’t stop playing “Fight Song.”