With all of the news on the political, international and other fronts, late comedians are having a field day. Here’s a cross section of late night comedian topical jokes:
“Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The woman’s husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year.” -Jay Leno
“Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy.” -Jay Leno
“Romney raised $10 million. That’s a dollar for every position he’s had on healthcare.” -Jay Leno
“You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid.” -Jay Leno
“Today Arnold was offered the job as the new head of the International Monetary Fund.” -Jay Leno
“Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying.” -Conan O’Brien
“Trump said that NBC talked him into staying. Then Conan O’Brien said, ‘Don’t fall for that.'” -David Letterman
“Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a lovechild back in 2003. To be fair, Arnold has been taking financial responsibility for the child: education, health care … everything he’s taken away from every other child in California.” -Craig Ferguson
“Trump says he wants to spend more time bullying obscure celebrities. That one-man juggernaut Mike Huckabee is not running. The Republicans are really scrambling for a guy to lose to Obama.” -David Letterman
“Sen. John Kerry is in Pakistan, sending a strong message to the government and the people. The message is, ‘We think this is important enough to send John Kerry.'” -David Letterman
“Al Qaeda is looking for someone to replace Osama bin Laden. They’re thinking about Ashton Kutcher.” -David Letterman
“The U.S. has hit the debt ceiling. I think we should do what we always do when faced with a nightmarish problem: replace it with Ashton Kutcher.” -Craig Ferguson
“In a new interview, President Obama said that killing Osama bin Laden does not secure his 2012 re-election. Yeah, that’s been taken care of by the current field of Republicans.” -Jimmy Fallon
“The French head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested in New York for sexually assaulting a hotel maid. Or as the French call it, room service.” -Jay Leno
“President Obama invited a rapper to the White House on Wednesday. The right-wing feigned outrage machine is apoplectic that the rapper Common was invited to an evening poetry, or as they call it, black-on-black rhyme. Sarah Palin tweeted one of her brain farts. She said, ‘Inviting Common to the White House lacked class and decency,’ and that’s why her children are only allowed to make babies while listening to country music.” -Bill Maher
“Well, the presidential race is getting interesting. In an effort to clear up his reputation as a flip-flopper, Mitt Romney will give a speech on health care. And then, right afterward, he’ll give a five-minute rebuttal.” -Jay Leno
“They have found Osama bin Laden’s diary. Some entries: ‘Very unhappy with TV reception. Death to Time-Warner.’ ‘Three wives, one bathroom, you do the math.’ The final entry: ‘Dear Diary, can’t talk now. Someone’s at the door. Hope it’s the Domino’s guy.'” -David Letterman
“President Obama’s approval rating is at a two-year high in the wake of Osama bin Laden’s death. If I were Obama, I’d fish bin Laden out of the ocean and kill him every Sunday.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? The only one that hasn’t had three wives is Mitt Romney – and he’s the Mormon!” -Jay Leno
David Letterman’s “Top Ten Surprises in the Osama bin Laden Diary”
10. Always dotted the ‘I’ in ‘Jihad’ with a smiley face
9. Expressed anger at not being invited to the royal wedding
8. Disguised himself by wearing a fake beard over his real beard
7. Was the first one to suggest Hugh Grant as a possible replacement for Charlie Sheen
6. Admitted in college he experimented with a member of the opposite sect
5. Preferred exploding boxers to exploding briefs
4. As much as he hated the United States, he loved Red Lobster’s coconut shrimp bites
3. The guy just wouldn’t shut up about the new Beastie Boys album
2. Would occasionally fax jokes to Leno
1. Turns out he was kind of a coward“Bristol Palin just announced she had corrective surgery on her mouth. It’s being called the right procedure on the wrong Palin.” -Conan O’Brien
“Apparently Osama took a lot of Viagra. That’s why they thought he was armed.” -David Letterman
“I don’t know if you’ve ever tasted Godfather’s Pizza, but if he can keep that place from going bankrupt, he is an economic genius.” -Stephen Colbert on GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain
David Letterman’s “Top Ten Questions on the Application to Replace Osama bin Laden”
10. “How many threats per minute can you type?”
9. “Can you work weekends?”
8. “Are you just doing this for the sweet 8-inch picture tube television?”
7. “How do your co-terrorists describe you?”
6. “What is the current bounty on your head?”
5. “Any ideas for a new catchphrase? ‘Death to America’ is kind of played”
4. “Would you require the use of the company llama?”
3. “How often do you delouse your beard?”
2. “Were you bar mitzvahed?”
1. “What are your long-term goals, besides not getting killed by Navy SEALs?“Dick Cheney says he gives Obama high marks on getting bin Laden. He said, ‘Trust me, I know how hard it is to shoot someone in the face.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Apparently, Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with no phone and no cable for six years. He’d been waiting for six years for the Time-Warner guy to show up.” -David Letterman
“Bill Clinton says he now supports gay marriage. It’s straight marriage he’s not so excited about.” -Craig Ferguson
Who might be Bin Laden’s successor? If they’re looking for someone with a large following who’s a religious zealot and hates the Jews…Mel Gibson?” -Bill Maher
David Letterman’s “Top Ten Good Things About Having Osama bin Laden As A Neighbor”
10. Didn’t matter how loud a party got, there was no way he was calling the cops
9. No one gave us better hugs
8. Did shirtless Tai Chi in the yard – you’re welcome, ladies!
7. He did a lot of volunteer work at the JCC
6. Very quiet, except on rare occasions when Navy SEALs would raid his house and kill him
5. Having a celebrity in the neighborhood is always good for property values
4. Olympic-sized camel-shaped pool
3. The adorable way he’d shout ‘Death to weeds!’ when mowing the lawn
2. At barbecues he made his famous ‘Fatwa Franks’
1. You were never the biggest jerk in the neighborhood
Joe Gandelman is a former fulltime journalist who freelanced in India, Spain, Bangladesh and Cypress writing for publications such as the Christian Science Monitor and Newsweek. He also did radio reports from Madrid for NPR’s All Things Considered. He has worked on two U.S. newspapers and quit the news biz in 1990 to go into entertainment. He also has written for The Week and several online publications, did a column for Cagle Cartoons Syndicate and has appeared on CNN.