A mother and a father can’t replace love
I sat down this morning to write about the reactions to Mary Cheney’s pregnancy, but as I mentally organized my thoughts, I was distracted by activity outside. It was my neighbor leaving for work, and I paused to watch as she wheeled out the trash cans, carried the recycle tubs, and then helped her young daughter into the backseat before closing the garage door and driving away.
On the weekends there’s a lot of activity at their house, because my neighbor’s parents are often there. What is not there is a “Daddy”… yet that little girl — bright, happy, charming, and well-mannered — has love all around her.
By deliberately choosing to adopt and raise a child alone, is my neighbor denying this child something?
Or how about the single dad I know, who has been fighting for sole custody of his two daughters for years, but is consistently defeated by the judicial desire to give the mother full access. It’s unfortunate that she thinks the girls (both young teens) look “cute” in skin-tight jeans and midriff-baring shirts, forgets to send them to school with lunch (or lunch money)… and that her 16-year-old daughter from a prior marriage just had a baby. But she’s the mom…
And then I came across this:
A court-appointed attorney who recommended a judge return a 21-month-old child to her home where she later died says child abuse investigators failed to prove the girl was in danger.
[snip]
The abuse investigation had centered more on the mother’s boyfriend, who was caring for the children when A’Anya received second-degree burns on her back and first-degree burns on her right cheek from scalding water.
“My heart grieves daily and constantly for the loss of A’Anya Cantley,” [attorney] Wilson said. “I truly believed because the testimony was against the boyfriend, and also based on my heart-to-heart discussion with the mother, that as long as the mother was monitored and the boyfriend was not present, it was in the best interest for the children to be with their mother.”
But CPS supervisor Julia Ceaser said repeatedly at the hearing that the children would be in danger if they were returned to the mother.
Stories like this are in the news every day… and yet people are in an uproar because a couple that has been in a committed relationship for fifteen years wants to have a baby (CNN):
“Just because you can conceive a child outside a one-woman, one-man marriage doesn’t mean it’s a good idea,” Earll said. “Love can’t replace a mother and a father.”
Polimom thinks the correct structure of that sentence should be, “A mother and a father can’t replace love.“
Every time I read about a child beaten to death, burned, or abused by one of its parents, I flash back to thoughts and conversations I had during the five years I spent trying to have a baby of my own… because it wasn’t easy, and Polimom lost two in the attempt. Yet my challenges weren’t as tough as that of my best friend, who was trying to have a baby in that same time-frame — also without success, and she remains childless to this day.
She would have been a great mom.
We talked a lot on the phone in those years, both to give one another support and comfort, but also to marvel at the ease with which others could conceive — even those who didn’t particularly want kids.
Especially those who didn’t want kids, and (as I often think), don’t deserve them.
It isn’t a “man and a woman” that creates happy, healthy children. It’s commitment to and love of the kids themselves.
If social conservatives want to make a difference in the lives of children, then they should be focusing all that righteous energy on the kids — not on the sexual orientation of couples who demonstrate the commitment and desire to raise them.
21 Responses to “A mother and a father can’t replace love”
Wow. What could I add to this? Well said.
Very moving.
So how is it that half the voting adults think sexual orientation is more important than the quality of character?
When the hell did this actually come up? I don’t watch TV, but I can’t find it on instapundit or other major right-wing sites. The only place to mention it significantly so far has been Drudge, where despite being a right-wingnut hellhole both Cheney and the kid have been smacked around more for being Republican than being homosexual.
I’m sure it’s been mentioned by the right-wing equivilant of NARAL (excluding NARAL’s larger member base), but I don’t think they’re worthy of attention.
Paul in Austin, my search-fu is a little weak now, but even back in 2000 only 40% of Americans were against gay adoption (ABC News). Has the rating gone up that much?
My bad, gattsuru. I should have linked yesterday’s post by Michael (I’m still learning the software here…). The story came out yesterday, and you can find more reaction at memeorandum (here and here).
I was just ballparking. But 40% is still a pretty big number.
Thanks Polimom! This is great!
Yes and don’t forget that the crazy woman in Texas that drowned her six kids were republicans….but then again she was crazy. Right?
Dick Cheney needs to grow up.
Well, I’m certainly not going to make a case that any child is better off in an abusive traditional family environment than they are in a single parent loving home, but I really think there is something to be said for having a mom and a dad if possible. As a child who grew up without a father I can say it has had a profound impact on my life in ways that I’ve just now at 31 begun to realize.
And I think you’re taking some extreme edge cases to make your point. Comparing a very abusive traditional environment to an ideal single parent/gay couple. I’m sure gay couples have the same rate of violence and abuse straight ones do.
I might have missed your point, I think its frustration at a system that can’t see the forest for the trees when it comes to looking after our children. But that example of a well mannered child being raised by a single parent seems to be lacking in perspective about what that child is missing by only having one parent.
Slamfu,
What is it, exactly, that a spouse provides? Role modeling? Sexual identity a la Freud? I think it’s both of those, but I’ve not seen anything that tells me a strong opposite-gender role model has to come from the spousal relationship itself. Grandfathers, uncles, friends — all of those can fill this need.
I, too, come from a broken home… and it affected me profoundly also, but it wasn’t for these reasons.
Bad, or even indifferent, parenting is far worse than loving commitment, I think, whether the source is a single parent or a gay couple.
Slamfu, you said “But that example of a well mannered child being raised by a single parent seems to be lacking in perspective about what that child is missing by only having one parent.”
I agree. It is important to children to have 2 parents. There’s a lot to be said for having the duties, the responsibilities, and the affection taken care of by 2 people instead of 1. But is it the combination of mother and father that makes the 2-parent household more functional? Or is it the simple fact that two loving and committed adults can spend more time with their children, regardless of the gender of the parents? Isn’t it possible that having 2 amazing dads or 2 devoted moms is just as good as having 1 mom and 1 dad?
Thanks for the links, Polimom… looks like it’s just the CWA, or some very bad reporting (what the hell is with the Focus on the Family quote in the later link? I don’t think Mrs. Cheney adopted a fetal child).
I thank you for presenting a story with a stronger rational than the ones linked, though.
As to the statistic, I don’t really think it’s that high, Paul. Remember, we’re in a world where gay people can’t even have sexual intercourse as a definitional thing (Blanchflower v Blanchflower 2003). I’m fairly impressed that the value was lower than the opposition to gay marriage – it effectively means Americans are more content with unmarried adoptions.
I still say the whole thing would have gone better if Walt Whitman was the first famous gay rather than Wilde’s sorry backside.
I can’t believe people would actually state that a mother and a father are more important than love. My brother and I were children of divorce. My brother had to live through my father’s psychological abuse and cheating, while I only had to live through a single parent household for a while with great grandparents and later a step-father who was a better father than mine could ever be.
I can see that both my brother and I were affected in some ways. However, how my brother was affected because of living in the household with a mother and a father was much worse than how I was affected because of living in a loving household without a father.
It’s absolutely ridiculous to say having a mother and father is more important than having love. Role models are all around us. I had male role models in my grandfather and, later, my step-father right within my family, not to mention others I was close to. What isn’t all around us is the love within our households that is the most necessary component of raising a well adjusted child.
I think there is something to be said about living in a two parent home. It’s not that I think that single parents love their children less, and certainly not that a dysfuntional two parent home is preferable to a single parent home, but it seems logical that two can handle a child better than one. Two parents means to paychecks, or a paycheck and someone always there to take care of the child. It means if one parent is sick the other can take over, it basically creates greater security. All other things equal, two parents are better than one. From what I know of the studies carried out (by neccesity somewhat limited) there was no great difference found in the quality of children raised by opposite or same sex couples. It’s certainly better than being an orphan.
Lynx, I agree that a two parent household is more ideal than a single parent household but saying a mother and a father (or two parents regardless of sex) is more important than a loving household is a bunch of bull. I can’t believe anyone would have the audacity to say that. It’s absolutely ridiculous.
Maybe I’m taking this a bit personally but I think for a good reason. My mother got my brother and me out of an abusive household and, even though that meant living in a one parent household for a while, it was the best thing she could have done for us. We were much better off in a one parent household full of love than we were in a two parent household full of hate.
I can’t see where anyone is saying that though. Maybe I give mankind a bit too much credit, but I have a hard time believing that anyone would say, “Two parents who are not loving would be superior to one parent who is”.
I guess you guys are interpreting this statement that way:
“Love can’t replace a mother and a father.”
But my interpretation of that was “The love of one parent for a child can’t replace what he/she would receive from two loving parents.”
C Stanley —
Actually, the original context for the quote was in relation to Mary Cheney, and the implication was definitely that having both a mother and a father is the most important thing for a child.
For a child, though, love is love, whether the source is two moms, one mom, two dads, one dad, or a mom and a dad…
Polimom,
Absolutely correct. Thank you for articulating it so perfectly.
C Stanley, I interpreted the statements about Mary Cheney the same way Polimom seems to have. The statements seemed to be clearly stating that having a mother and a father is the most important thing, implying more important than anything including a loving household.
I can tell you without a doubt that I was better off not having my father in the house I was living in than my brother was having him in the house. In that way, I strongly disagree with such a statement. There are more important things than having both a mother and father in the house. Topping the list is having a family filled with love.
Look, what I’m trying to say is that the person who made the statement must be assuming that all two parent households are basically loving ones. I agree we can take exception to that, but I can’t imagine that the person meant “the presence of a male and female adult in the roles of mother and father are ultimately the most important factor, regardless of whether or not those two people truly engage in a loving relationship with the child or not.” That makes no sense, and although I realize some people don’t make sense, I still have a hard time believing that ANYONE would believe that love doesn’t matter. I think that the person who said this is just biased toward believing that the mothers and fathers always love their kids, and of course we can point to all kinds of examples that show that this isn’t necessarily true in all cases.
An assumption that anyone in the real world would know is a false assumption.
Anyone who would make the statement that was made and lived in the real world would know that the statement made is essentially just that. Either this person believes that a mother and a father in the same house is more important than a loving home or the person is disconnected from reality. Actually, in either case, I’d say the person is disconnected from reality.
BTW: It’s not just about whether they engage in a loving relationship with the child. It’s also about whether they engage in a loving relationship with each other. Two parents can love their children above all else but still create a bad household because they do not love each other. This is the situation I believe my parents were in. My father was very abusive toward my mother psychologically even though I’ve seen no evidence that he didn’t treat my brother and myself in his own style of a loving way. The problem is that my brother grew up with my father as his first male role model and he has all kind of relationship troubles because his male role model was an abusive figure. OTOH, my grandmother has said that my wife and I remind her so much of her and my grandfather (married for over 50 years before he passed away) in every way, I believe largely because my grandfather was my male role model during those most important years so I learned how the man should act in a relationship from him.
Do your best to be a good parent, and forget all the rest. Life isn’t always going to hand you a perfect deal to work with.
My very best wishes to Mary Cheney and her partner for a long and happy parenthood, and to their child for loving and sensible parents.