Mom And Dad Are Verbs
I am not a huge fan of Dr. Laura but she does come on one of the radio stations I listen to and today she made a comment that prompted some thinking for me. One of her callers was asking how to resolve an issue she was having with her 17 year old son.
At the time her son was born the caller was, in her own words, ‘not exactly the most responsible person’ and the father was no better. He had pretty much abandoned her and the child the moment he learned of the pregnancy. Luckily she had married a good man and he had raised the child. The caller wasn’t sure if she should let her son know that he had ‘another dad’ out there.
Dr. Laura responded with a simple comment…. Dad is a verb not a noun. Her point being that the man who had raised the child, who had been responsible and caring for the child, the one who had always been part of the child’s like, that was the father, not just some guy who happened to donate sperm.
I couldn’t help pondering this comment when thinking of the various stories we’ve seen splashed across the news over the past year. Balloon boy, John and Kate, the Octomom, and so on. The kind of people who subject their children to a miserable childhood just for a few bucks.
Or we could consider the parents we all know in our own lives. The ones who seem more concerned about whether or not Billy makes the team or Sally wins the beauty contest than if the children are happy. The ones who seem to want a trophy to bring out when company is around but want to hang them up on the wall or stick them in a closet when it’s time to go to a party or take a trip somewhere.
Perhaps it is time that everyone remember that the terms Mom and Dad are indeed verbs, not nouns. The world might be a better place if they did.
7 Responses to “Mom And Dad Are Verbs”
all true and the question wasn't answered.
Should the child know about his biological father? Because it sounds like, although it may not be the case, that the child believes that he and his dad share a biological connection that doesn't exist and the mother knows this and has not told the child any different. 17 years old is probably not a great age to drop that in someone's lap. This is a sort of basic part of who you are, where you come from, so for some number of years this man/boy has believed something about himself that isn't true.
I completely agree that dad is a verb. Let's think about this for a minute though, how does it sound to a young man/child to say that half his biological makeup is from a 'sperm donor'? How would that feel to have someone tell you, even now at whatever your age is?
complicated isn't it? Perhaps this information should have been shared at a much earlier age rather than springing it at this stage of the game.
[...] Continued here: Mom And Dad Are Verbs [...]
Perhaps this information should have been shared at a much earlier age rather than springing it at this stage of the game.
This is definitely the current expert opinion. As an adoptive parent, I did a lot of research and just about all of the experts advocate talking about the adoption from an early age. In our case, our adoptive child is a different ethnicity and his physical appearance is so much different that we never felt that keeping it a secret was an option anyway, but the research convinced us and helped us to make it a natural part of our family discussions about our heritage(s).
Of course that doesn't help a family that already has a teenager who doesn't yet know, and I don't know how one would decide the right time or manner in which to discuss this. We have a relative by marriage who found out that he was adopted (this was during the 1950s) when he enlisted in the military…the recruiter said to him “I see you are adopted” and he replied, “No, I'm not,” but then learned that he had indeed been adopted but no one had told him. Apparently everyone in his small midwestern town- including his future wife who had moved to the town during grade school- knew except for him. I can't imagine what a shock that must have been!
And there is the bigger issue overall of male involvement in the formative ages of children. For years, the consensus of child-rearing experts was to de-masculinize the role of the father in favor of a more maternal 'nurturing' environment. Some even insisted that males were harmful to child development.
That has led to a generation (two now, actually) of Americans who feel really good about almost anything they do, and with less of a sense of responsibility (a broad generalization, I know).
Luckily, that tide is turning finally, as it seems that maybe untold previous generations of child-rearing with both strong male and female influences is actually the best (what a shock to social academics).
There was a very interesting article just yesterday in the local paper about outreach attempts to get men more involved in schools.
Of course, one of the big obstacles to that is the absolutely petrifying fear a lot, if not most, men have today of working with children – being falsely accused of child molestation. Once charged, even if you somehow survive the gauntlet of a system that assumes males are guilty of any accusation of molestation until proven innocent, you cannot get the genie back in the bottle. Your name was almost assuredly splashed on the front pages and was the lead story on the evening news when accused; your expultation is on page 5 of the local news section of the paper.
Luckily, that tide is turning finally, as it seems that maybe untold previous generations of child-rearing with both strong male and female influences is actually the best (what a shock to social academics).
Considering it is only the social academics who do this kind of research, I doubt they find their own work shocking.
That's a tough question. Two men that are extremely closely to me have had their lives turned upside-down in recent years due to having this sort of bombshell dropped upon them. One was roughly 22 when his mother told him she didn't think his dad was his dad; he was going to go get a paternity test until he showed me a picture of his dad and it was so blatantly obvious that he was, most certainly, his son. The other just found out, at 34 years old, that he was adopted. Evidently, his parents had told him he was adopted when he was 3 years old, then never ever mentioned it again. Both were extremely hurt and confused (obviously for different reasons).
I guess my point is that “mom and dad are verbs”, while being true, is probably too simple an answer. It doesn't mean that telling him will be simple, and it doesn't mean that not telling him is the right answer. Personally, I think the young man has a right to know, but it's going to be rough and damaging either way.
I wouldn't quote Dr. Laura if she saved the earth from invading aliens.