Obama’s Bowling-Gate Scandal Rocks America!

Clearly this is the beginning of the end for the presidential aspirations of Sen. Barack Obama (D-Illinois) and it all began in the tiny hamlet of Altoona, Pennsylvania. As reported at Media Matters, Mr. Obama showed up at the Pleasant Valley Lanes bowling emporium and proceeded to take part in America’s favorite sport. The results were nothing less than Earth shattering. The Senator racked up a score of … (are you sitting down?) … 37!!!

As we all know, competent bowling is a legal requirement for all real Americans. In fact 37 of the 50 states in our country require all citizens to bowl at least four times per year and achieve an average score of 80 or face severe tax penalties and or prison terms. This horrid performance clearly shows that Mr. Obama has been remiss in his legally mandated bowling requirements. The always calm, thoughtful, fair and completely nonpartisan Joe Scarborough was shocked – SHOCKED, I say! – and quickly reminded America of the constitutionally mandated minimum bowling skills for anyone seeking a seat in the Oval Office.

“You know Willie, the thing is, Americans want their president, if it’s a man, to be a real man.” Scarborough added, “You get 150, you’re a man, or a good woman,” to which Geist replied, “Out of my president, I want a 150, at least.”

Well said, sir. We want our president to be a REAL man. Even if it turns out to be Hillary Clinton. (And on a related note, where are Senator Clinton’s bowling records and when will she release her surgery schedule for sexual reassignment should she win the election in November?)

But this clearly isn’t the worst of it. Not only was Obama’s score far below acceptable levels, but he also revealed a clear lack of manhood, as noted by Scarborough.

SCARBOROUGH: Oh, that’s so dainty. Ugh.
GEIST: Get there, get there.
SCARBOROUGH: What a dainty –
GEIST and SCARBOROUGH: Oh!

FORD: He probably shouldn’t do that again, but I tell you, it showed a human side to him. I mean, it showed a very humble side to him.
SCARBOROUGH: Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
BRZEZINSKI: He is a politician.
SCARBOROUGH: A very human side? A prissy side.

I don’t think we need any remedial courses in secret code language for that, now do we? Prissy! Dainty I say! Look… as if it wasn’t bad enough that Obama doesn’t wear the requisite number of American flag lapel pins, but now we find out that he’s a lisping pooftah to boot?

And the scandal only snowballed from there as the ever diligent press corps did their jobs and dug deeper for the details. The truth was too horrifying for words.

According to reports by MSNBC’s First Read and Salon.com, Obama played seven frames and left with a score of 37. Additionally, on Morning Joe, Obama campaign spokesman David Axelrod noted that Obama did not play all 10 frames.

Seven frames? The game is TEN frames long, Senator, and you should already know that! Questions are swirling around this gross insult to bowling and – dare I say? – America itself! Why would Mr. Obama rush off after only seven frames? Was he late for his meeting with the Altoona chapter of the Double Secret Muslim America Haters Union? The last time Senator John McCain went bowling (which he does at least five times per week) he achieved a score of 329, knocking down not only all of his pins in each frame, but several in the adjoining lanes, so ferociously did he throw the ball. Now THAT, my friends, is a REAL man and a true American, as I’m sure you will all agree.

Stay tuned for more. We have filed several Freedom of Information Act requests which we believe will show that Obama’s original birth certificate will indicate that his full original name was Barack Hussein Hitler Mussolini Pol Pot Obama, but he later changed it in an effort to trick otherwise honest, hard working Americans into voting for him.

(Cross posted from Middle Earth Journal)