BREAKING NEWS: World Did Not End Today
THIS JUST IN! The world did not end today. The London Telegraph reports:
Inhabitants of New Zealand, scheduled to be among the first to meet the apocalypse according to a US fundamentalist preacher, this morning confirmed they were still in existence as the appointed time was reached in their time zone.
There were also unconfirmed reports that Tonga has, thus far, failed to boil into the Pacific.
Eighty-nine-year-old tele-evangelist Harold Camping had prophesied that the “Rapture” would begin with powerful earthquakes at 6pm in each of the world’s regions, after which the good would be beamed up to heaven.
This morning, Kiwis confirmed there were no signs of the dead rising from the grave, nor of the living ascending into the clouds to meet Jesus Christ.
Twitter users were disappointed by the absence of Armaggedon.
Daniel Boerman said on Twitter, the micro-blogging website: “I’m from New Zealand, it is 6.06pm, the world has NOT ended. No earthquakes here, all waiting for the Rapture can relax for now.”
Gavin Middleton wrote: “Well it’s 13 minutes past the Rapture here in New Zealand. I’m still holding out hope for the trumpet call and the firey rain…”
Similarly, on the Pacific islands whose clocks ticked over to 6pm before the fateful hour hit New Zealand, there was no evidence of a “super horror story” predicted by Camping – no zombies, no true believers hurtling skywards, no arch-angels and no trumpeters.
A post on Godlike Productions, a website dedicated to conspiracy theories and UFOs, reported that Tonga, which reached 6pm one hour before New Zealand, was “still on the map”.
Likewise, no reports of chaos were heard from Christmas Island in Kiribati, where the super-earthquake was set to hit first.
Two minor earthquakes did hit the Pacific earlier in the day, measuring 3.1 and 4.8 and not triggering any tsunami warnings, but earthquakes of that magnitude are a regular occurrence in the region.
Vicky Hyde, spokesman for the New Zealand Skeptic Society said she was confident the Rapture was not imminent.
It’s too early in the day to get reaction from political types, but Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity are expected to blame the non-end of the world on Barack Obama on their shows on Monday.
This song fits perfectly:
5 Responses to “BREAKING NEWS: World Did Not End Today”
is it 6pm where you are?
We should have Apocalypse Day every year! Besides being great fun (I’m attending an Apocalypse Celebration at a nearby bar later tonight), it’s obviously bringing the world together in a moment of great unity.
Maybe next year, CNN can post reporters in every time zone (like the Millenium New Year coverage). “Here in Rio de Janeiro the masses celebrated the lack of apocalypse with scantily clad women dancing atop garishly decorated floats parading through the city. Back to you, Tom.”
I like to play it safe. Thus, I’ll hold my breath until 6 pm Texas time (that’s CST for non-Texans.) That is, if I am not raptured after a couple of minutes of doing that…
Dorian, At my age if I tried to hold my breath for a couple of minutes it WOULD BE Apocalyptic… for me! Be careful with this breath holding business, your moderate voice is needed around here.
“THIS JUST IN! The world did not end today.”
Dang it.
My ‘honey-do’ list just got longer.