This Just In!!!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Biden Returns to Campaign Trail With Duct Tape Over Mouth
New Strategy to Keep Candidate On Message

In a bold new strategy to keep his candidacy for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination on message, Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del) returned to the campaign trail today with a strip of duct tape over his mouth.

Political veterans were hard-pressed to think of a candidate who made a successful bid for his party’s nomination with a piece of duct tape sealing his mouth, an orifice generally considered necessary to emit human speech.

But after their candidate stumbled out of the gate by making seemingly condescending remarks about a fellow candidate, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill), advisors to Mr. Biden seized on the duct-tape solution as the best way to hit the campaign’s reset button.

“Every time Joe opens his mouth, he gets in the way of his message,� said Carol Foyler, a media advisor to the Biden campaign. “Duct-taping his mouth shut is the best way to get his message out there to the American people.�

At a town hall meeting in Davenport, Iowa, Mr. Biden seemed upbeat, offering this response to a voter’s question about Social Security: “Mmmmghfffmmmggh.�

According to Ms. Foyler, for the remainder of the 2008 campaign Mr. Biden will be relying heavily on hand gestures and the art of mime to make his case to the voters.

“Biden ’08 is going to be a cross between a political campaign and Cirque du Soleil,� she said.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can read get Andy Borowitz’s other investigative reports here.