So it’s final – a Portuguese water dog is coming to the White House sometime in April. That’s what you get when you have to please 3 women.
Originally President Obama suggested going to the local dog pound and adopting a stray mixed breed. First Lady Michelle Obama nixed that idea immediately. She had heard talk show host Conan O’Brien point out that the last President who brought a stray dog to the White House ended up getting impeached.
There have been all sorts of dogs and cats in the White House, most of them pretty innocuous and tame. However, with such a massive economic crisis facing our country, we really need a White House dog that demands respect, particularly from the rabid opposition.
I would suggest that President Obama get his own Oval Office dog, preferably a trained German shepherd. Some German shepherds come in short-hair versions for those with allergies.
These dogs are highly intelligent and loyal, good with children, confident, fearless, energetic, strong, athletic, and they exude a quiet, commanding, and yet slightly aloof presence. These attributes are also found in the President.
Just to soften the dog’s ability to go for the jugular, and depending upon its gender, he could name it either “Mr. Chuckles” or “Miss Hillary.” (The Secretary of State would even feel complimented.) Nothing says “I’m going to intimidate and I’m getting my way,” as would this type of favorite police dog. It would also be a final dig against all those nasty, bigoted southern sheriffs who pitted such dogs against civil rights protesters back in the 1960’s as they fought for the right to vote that eventually lead to Mr. Obama’s election.
A German shepherd is just the animal to have sitting next to you when meeting with leaders of the opposition. Imagine some get-together with the Republican leadership who strongly disagree with the President’s proposals for healthcare, taxes, banking reorganizations, the environment, or whatever. With TV cameras rolling, the President could turn to his dog and smilingly say: “Mr. Chuckles (Miss Hillary) can we believe our ears? Did we hear that Representative Boehner of Ohio doesn’t like taxing the very wealthy to pay for expanding healthcare to all Americans?” The dog could then growl, snarl, show its teeth, and give Rep. Boehner such a look that, if he didn’t change his mind, his leg would be lunch. Then Rep. Boehner would become completely flustered and again start speaking incoherently. After much convoluted logic, he would simply agree with the President. The President would smile again, apologize for not hearing correctly, and thank him for such a pleasant compromise on behalf of the American people.
Between meetings and mindful of the President’s allergies, the President’s German shepherd would go play with Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel and their endless supply of Rush Limbaugh and Nancy Pelosi dolls, happily ripping them to shreds. Overall, history shows that dogs are important to Presidents because after a few years in office, a President needs a loyal friend in which he can confide – and who won’t talk to the press behind his back.
A German shepherd could be employed by the President in many other challenging negotiations with various world leaders and his mother-in-law requiring a good-cop and bad-cop approach. The President would smile at whatever the person were saying but if inside he actually disagreed with it, the dog would simply growl and snarl at the speaker until he changed his discourse. This may be the only effective means to get things done in the contentious and politicized environment of Washington DC.
I would also suggest most Republican leaders get pet parrots. These “talking” birds could endlessly repeat meaningless phrases so dear to conservatives such as “Squawk – cut taxes,” “Squawk – less spending,” “Squawk – tax and spend liberals,” “Squawk – socialism,” “Squawk – Rush is God,” “Squawk – smaller government,” “Squawk – let the free market decide,” “Squawk – less regulations,” “Squawk – class warfare,” and other such nonsense that has become purely hilarious as it is so irrelevant to the situations we face today. In this way Republicans can hear these phrases for what they really are – mindless dribble. The ultimate purpose would be to finally force some of them to come up with worthwhile new ideas and phrases that might actually make sense for the 21st Century when uttered by thinking human beings.
I would hope that Republicans return to their thoughtful and intelligent roots, as exemplified by the Elephant. Some of the ideas propounded by their donkey opponents are purely asinine. But without a mature discourse, the public will never have the chance to know.
Now that I have lived in Arizona for 3 years, I am considering getting a pet lizard. I prefer those that have eyes that move separately and independently, providing them with almost 300 degrees of continuous forward and peripheral vision – something I secretly envy.
As a society we have (or are still developing) much greater hindsight with respect to our politics and economics. But that knowledge may be pretty useless for today and for moving forward. In these demanding and unique times, we desperately need in our leaders some foresight – or at least a coherent vision of the big picture that we can follow.
3/17/09 by Marc Pascal in Phoenix, AZ.