Housing

Patton Plans Retro Look for New Developments

Even J-Lo couldn’t have written this into her contract.: “Add a point to Star’s share if a Wedding Planner is appointed to federal office.” As we said on November 9, nothing is unthinkable. When Future Ex-President Donald Trump announced that Lynne Patton, his family’s event planner, would head up federal housing in the New York-New Jersey region, it was another Onion moment. That can’t be real, right? Did they make it up? Did I make it up? Sorry, nobody made it up.

We are staggered daily by Trump’s vision for America. He knows Construction. Public Housing doesn’t need maintenance and security. It needs Centerpieces.

Why Lynne Patton, you might well ask. The Daily News did.

“The News reported that Patton is a longtime Trump loyalist who’s arranged golf tournaments and handled what she called “celebrity acquisition” for Trump events. She also helped plan Eric Trump’s wedding.

“On her LinkedIn bio, she claimed to have a law degree from the Quinnipiac University School of Law in Connecticut, although school officials said she merely attended for two semesters and did not obtain a degree.

“She sent out a tweet late Thursday after The News inquired about the letters N/A appearing next to the entry about a degree from Quinnipiac.

“She said the N/A meant “not applicable,” and wrote, “When did you finish law school but you know you never did, you could answer N/A because it doesn’t apply to you. She added a confused face emoji and the hashtag #neverlied.” Ask her no questions.

Glib as the Daily News is, Revolted Colonies has scored the real scoop. We have obtained a copy of Patton’s checklist for her first hundred days. You’ll soon see why she was the right person in the right place. Her appointment starts June 20, but that would interfere with her Weddings schedule, which would choke a horse. She’ll start work in July. By the way, her only requirement, to which Trump agreed, was that she could keep her day job. Her check list looked like this:

July 1: Send out invitations for swearing in after party, book Overkill Caterers, Fleurs du Mal Gardens and Lewandowski Security Services.

July 2: Set party budget- $100,000.00; cancel lead paint abatement for Camden Housing Authority. savings – $100,000.00

July 3 Party.

July 4 Start one month Hamptons Survey for new building sites.

August 4 Announce survey results at Tenement Museum Gala.

August 5 Meeting with NYS Commissioner to implement new federal definition of affordable.

August 6 Begin month-long survey of Jersey Shore building sites.

September 4 Attend Agency Labor Day Picnic-Attendance mandatory.

September 5 Send out discharge notices for all non-attendees.

September 6 Strategic goals meeting with Betsy DeVos.

September 9 Break ground on Trump Digs at Pocantico Hills, first 55 and over project under new Affordable regulations.

September 10 Begin enforcement of emergency vacate order for Rangel Houses.

September 13 Change name to Rangel Dacha and begin gut rehab.

September 22 Implement ICE personnel as concierges in all buildings.

And that’s just the first 90 days. It has not been announced but you can expect a party to be held by mid-October celebrating the agency’s acccomplishments. If the agenda seems like a lot of heavy lifting without the usual flourishes, Patton will tell you that government business, like a wedding, is all hard work. It’s not nearly as glamorous as it seems.

Evan Sarzin
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