Irredentism: noun ir-i-den-ti-zm (der. Italian: irredento: “unredeemed”) the policy advocating a return of territories historically possessed and/or ethnically related to one political unit but currently under the political control of another.
So, to absolutely no one’s even mild surprise, over 97% of Crimeans voted to declare their independence from Ukraine – a clear sign of overwhelming support for a return to Russia and incidentally, also the exact percentage of Americans who couldn’t find Crimea on a map 3 weeks ago.
Yet despite a complete lack of really any national interest in the Ukraine whatsoever, our fearless leader has now taken an extremely strong stand in opposition of a guy many consider to be the world’s most powerful man, threatening all sorts of economic sanctions, moving military units into the region, and even forcing us all to listen to John Kerry. This might be seen as a heroic stand taken in the name of protecting our European friends, but they don’t really seem to want to do much. It could be a matter of principles, but lately it’s a bit unclear just what ours are.
We’re supposed to be in favor of constitutional democracies, but we’re supporting an un-elected leader who used threats and violence to seize power from a duly-elected president who was never impeached. I’m sure the Tea Party would love to hear that it’s now ok to literally run a president out of town.
We also used to stand by people seeking their independence from failed nations, but now we’re among those who say things like “we don’t recognize your existence”.
And we definitely used to be really glad to be friends with the Russians, considering how rough the Cold War was on everyone. Maybe some people have forgotten.
The particularly rotten part in all of it is that we set it up while Russia was busy hosting the world at Sochi, which by the way, were basically the Best Olympics Ever. The opening and closing ceremonies were an absolutely breathtaking blend of technology and culture and history – it was as though the Russians wanted to remind us all of their great contributions to art, dance, music, literature; to all of modern civilization, and also to serve notice that they were back as an organized, educated world power. Russian pride was truly redeemed during those games – they even won the medal count for the first time since they were Soviets, and Putin exited with approval ratings over 70%. The games were great, and despite rampant threats, not a single violent incident. I still miss the Olympics. Even that kooky biathalon. I mean, c’mon, how is ski-by shooting a sport?
But I digress. So, during all this, while the guy’s busy hosting the flat-out best party of the decade, we go start a huge fire right next door and start telling his best girl to leave him. Real classy.
And it’s not like we even want her. But of all the lands formally under Moscow’s influence, the one most important to Russia – their oldest and best girl – is the Ukraine. Money talks, but between us and the EU, with ten times Russia’s G.D.P., we still only came up with the same paltry $15 Billion that Putin offered. It’s such a weak, lowball offer that shows how little we truly care. 45 million people there, and with all our resources, we still won’t even spend close to what we bail out insurance companies with.
And Europe doesn’t want them either. Ukraine applied for aid and associate membership in the EU last spring, but the EU didn’t approve it and still won’t. Now-exiled President Yanukovic wanted it, but they dropped the ball. So by December, with no deal and on the verge of Bankruptcy, along comes Vlad with a $15 B aid package and promises of cheap energy, talking wistfully about the old days…how could they possibly say Nyet?
So protests start in Kiev, but not until the Sochi games began did we see violent mobs blockading city streets, burning piles of hundreds of tires and filling the air with noxious gas. Those mobs were led by the people now in power, who were organized by foreign (read: U.S.) agitators. Can you even imagine anything like that happening in Washington D.C.? They’d all be rounded up and sent to Gitmo faster than you could say “Bay of Pigs”. But as planned, while Kiev was burning in chaos, Vlad was too busy being the host with the most to step in.
Of course, once the party was over, he got right to work moving troops, supporting the resistance to the Coup d’état which had just taken place, and immediately getting approval of the Russian legislature to secure Ukraine by any means necessary. By way of contrast, Obama couldn’t even get Congress to hold off their vacations to authorize economic sanctions – he’s simply doing it by executive fiat.
And now, just three weeks after Sochi, here we are. Straining reason to it’s bitter ends just so we can oppose Putin. On the verge of re-igniting the Cold War because we don’t like that one of the former Soviet states, after years of wandering aimlessly, now wants to return home to mother. And with Obama and Kerry talking about imposing further sanctions and “isolating” Russia, they aren’t exactly paving the way for a happy resolution.
Worse, they’re playing right into the hands of their enemies. No, not the Russians, or even Al Qaeda or the Chinese (who btw, even as you read are drawing up plans for a 4000-mile mega-pipeline to be built by 100 million Chinese day-laborers working for 5 cents a week and paid with U.S. T-bills). No, their real enemy, the ones that love this most of all, are the Republicans. Not only have they been gleefully taunting Obama’s feckless foreign policy since this began, but they’re so eager to goad Barack into a fight with Russia that they’ve even taken to insulting his manhood. And why not? An old-fashioned proxy war with the Russkies would mean increased military spending, higher oil prices, and of course, a much better chance to win back the White House.
Worse yet, a war with Russia is a war we could actually lose. Even if its just an economic one. The price of gas has already gone up a quarter since this all began last month. What if it goes up another dollar? Wanna go for two? Can Europe risk losing 1/3 of it’s energy? Does anyone really believe economic sanctions will slow Putin down? He’s got over 70% approval and the Russian people are tough in a way we no longer understand. They lived through a 30-year Depression worse than anything we could even imagine. Lines for hours to buy stale bread or shoes that didn’t fit. Plus, they care about Ukraine like we care about Texas, and they are every bit as proud and smart and organized as we.
So really, Mr. President, just what is your end-game here? How exactly do you come away from this without making us look bad? You and Kerry already look foolish after spending two weeks warning Crimeans not to do what they just did. But Putin isn’t likely to stop at Crimea. There will be similar referenda all over eastern Ukraine in the coming months – each one a redemption of Russia’s right to recover what it had lost in the name of world peace – and I wouldn’t expect Vlad to stop anywhere short of Kiev and the Dnieper River, any more than we’d stop short of the Rio Grande to protect Texas.
ARE YOU TEXAN OR AMERICAN?
Ultimately, this really just comes down to what Ukranians want. And asking if people are Ukranian or Russian is a lot like asking folks from Dallas if they’re Texan or American. First, they’ll squint at you oddly, then tell you that they are Texan through and through…which makes them not just American, but the very best ‘Mericans of all.
Which makes it hard to imagine now, but before Texas was American, it was Mexican. And prior to the fall of the U.S.S.R., most of Ukraine had been part of Russia since the middle of the seventeenth century. That’s roughly 350 years, or about two hundred more than we’ve owned Texas. Before that, the Ukraine was a fertile hunting ground for slavs, often losing tens of thousands a year to invading Turkish hordes.
Since gaining independence in 1991, the Ukranian economy has been besieged by corruption that is rampant even by Russian standards. We may think we know about corruption here, but those guys are the real pros. And without Mother Russia looking over their shoulder, the children have raided the pantry completely dry and don’t even know how to begin restocking.
So imagine if you will, a parallel scenario. Now, this may seem highly implausible, but what if we had a populist, idealistic president, who… maybe isn’t the best administrator ever. And then after a long period of economic woes and erratic foreign policy, Texans finally get fed up and vote to secede and let’s just say it happens. Texas, is now (once again) a sovereign nation.
Now, leap ahead twenty years, and the U.S. is back on top again, good economy, strong leadership, but in Texas, Mexican criminal influences have crossed the Rio Grande and are turning western Texas into a 3rd-world country run by mob-rule. Things get so bad that the city of Houston votes to break away from the rest of Texas and asks if we’d consider taking them back.
Then, Russia, China, England, Germany, Israel, India and France all get together and demand we tell Houston sorry but no dice. Are you laughing yet? Well wait, because then, they start sending warplanes and missles to Central America. And then, picture a Russian destroyer, just on patrol in the Gulf of Mexico, sailing a little too close to Florida (Stand Your Water!), and it’s not that hard to see all hell breaking loose faster than you can say “Dosvedanya!”
LONG LIVE THE MONROE DOCTRINE!
And we’d be justified too. Because the Monroe Doctrine has for nearly 200 years been our declaration to the World that what happens in the Western Hemisphere is our Manifest Destiny to determine, and everyone else needs to step back. Except for one small thing. See, a few months ago, Secretary of State John Kerry (whom you may remember as the guy who lost an election to W even after we all already knew what W was like) – recinded the Monroe Doctrine!
Yes, you read that right. This past November, John Kerry told the Organization of American States that “the Monroe Doctrine is dead.” That’s right, not the President, but the guy who only even has his job because Hillary didn’t want it anymore. The guy who somehow now makes Joan Rivers look normal…he decided. To throw out the Monroe Doctine. Wow.
What?!? How dare he? Invoked and expanded upon by countless presidents from Grant to Roosevelt to Kennedy to Reagan, it has been our Mission Statement that this is Our Neighborhood and everyone else needs to mind their own business and stay the hell away from our backyard. But not anymore, according to Kerry.
And oh btw folks, this guy’s also handling the Israeli-Palestinian talks. Oy.
And speaking of Israel, just so ya know, they’re officially sort of pro-Irredentism as well, seeing as it was kind of the whole justification for Zionism and all. So is Italy, where the word originated, and of course, all the European countries whose territories were restored after World War II, which, despite popular opinion in this hemisphere, the Russians did waaay more to win than anyone else.
Look, the Russians are not the Nazis and they are not rolling through Europe and conquering armies. They’re not even communists anymore, they’re capitalists asserting their real estate rights, and neighbors helping their oldest and best friend. So instead of hating, maybe we should just be glad there’s one less mess we have to clean up. And instead of pointlessly disrespecting a guy we’re going to have to deal with in the future, maybe we ought just consider minding our own business and staying out of their neighborhood, at least until we get our own house in order.
K. Steven Zimmerman is a human rights attorney who aspires to one day be blacklisted for not naming names.
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