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Posted by on Dec 24, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Brawl Erupts at Reindeer Games
Rudolph Suspended for Season

The epidemic of sports violence spread to the North Pole last night as a brawl erupted between fans and reindeer at this year’s reindeer games, resulting in the ejection and suspension of Rudolph for the remainder of the season.

The games, a holiday classic that dates back to 1949, had a mostly uneventful history until 2002, the year that beer and other alcoholic beverages first became available for sale at the event.

Since then, fans say, the reindeer games have drawn increasingly unruly crowds who aggressively goad the hoofed creatures with catcalls and obscenities.

“Given how wasted the fans are, it’s amazing that something like this didn’t happen sooner,� said Harlan McDougal, a fan who makes the trip from Pittsburgh every year to see the reindeer play.

Rudolph, who was fined by the league for spitting in the face of Blixen earlier in the season, was the object of the fans’ ire from early in the first period.

“Fans were shouting at him,â€? Mr. McDougal said. “I didn’t hear everything they said, but let’s put it this way — they were not shouting out with glee.â€?

After nearly two periods of such abuse, Rudolph had had enough, prancing into the stands and attempting to gore several fans with his antlers.

Mr. McDougal said that alcohol may have played a role in Rudolph’s violent rampage.

“It was obvious that he had been drinking,� Mr. McDougal said. “Did you check out his nose?�

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Dec 23, 2006 in At TMV | 6 comments

This Just In!!!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Lou Dobbs Warns Santa Not to Cross U.S. Border

Anchor Attacks Foreign-made Items in Claus’ Sack




CNN anchor Lou Dobbs devoted his entire news broadcast last night to a searing expose of Santa Claus in which he warned the legendary fat man not to cross the United States’ border with Canada on Christmas Eve.



Mr. Dobbs has made “America’s broken borders� one of his signature crusades in recent years, but even for viewers familiar with his incendiary rants about illegal immigration and cheap foreign imports, his attack on Santa Claus seemed particularly vitriolic.



“To our knowledge, Santa Claus is a resident of the North Pole and therefore is doing business in the United States as an undocumented worker,� Mr. Dobbs told his television audience. “In short, he is taking jobs away from hard-working American toy-delivery personnel while the government looks the other way.�



Mr. Dobbs also pressed Congress to open a “full investigation� into the country of origin of the gift items in Santa Claus’ sack.



“We have reason to believe that Santa’s sack is full of cheap gift items manufactured in China, only adding to America’s already burgeoning trade deficit,� the CNN anchor said.



Pledging to stand guard on the U.S.’s border with Canada on Christmas Eve and to “shoot down Santa’s sleigh on sight,� Mr. Dobbs directed the last words of his broadcast to St. Nick himself.



“Santa Claus, lest you write me off as some sort of a lunatic, I must warn you, I’m not alone,� Mr. Dobbs said. “Pat Buchannan agrees with me.�

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Dec 20, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush Calls Iraq Main Front in War on Gay Marriage

Accuses Iran, Syria of Sending Wedding Planners over Border




President George W. Bush attempted to build support for the increasingly unpopular war in Iraq today, arguing that Iraq is now “the main front in the war on gay marriage.�



The president had never before linked the war in Iraq to the broader war on gay marriage, but in a nationally televised address today he made such a case.



Speaking from the Oval Office, the president said that America’s enemies, such as Syria and Iran, were directly involved in sending wedding planners over the border into Iraq to plan gay weddings.



The president said that were the United States to withdraw its forces now, as some in Congress have suggested, it would be “sending a dangerous message to gay engaged couples around the globe.�



“Our choice is simple,� Mr. Bush said. “Do we fight the gay fiancés and fiancées in Iraq, or do we leave and let them bring their fabulous nuptials to our shores?�



But even as President Bush was making his argument that the war in Iraq was part of a larger war on gay marriage, gay wedding planners in that war-torn country disputed the president’s assertions.



Hassan El-Medfaii, a gay wedding planner in Saddam Hussein’s hometown of Tikrit, said he had seen “no increase� in gay weddings since the insurgency in Iraq began.



“In this country right now, it’s hard to find two people who can even stand each other, let alone want to get married,� Mr. El-Medfaii said.

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Dec 13, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!!!!!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush Refuses to Set Timetable for Reading Study Group Report
Finishing Report Would Send ‘Wrong Message’ to Enemies, President Says

In a press conference at the White House today, President George W. Bush flatly refused to set a timetable for reading the Iraq Study Group’s report, telling reporters that doing so “would send the wrong message to our enemies.�

When the Study Group issued its report last week, many in Washington assumed that the president would move the book to the top of his reading list, but today’s press conference left little doubt that Mr. Bush has no intention of being pressured into finishing the 160-page volume.

“If I were to announce that I planned to finish reading this book by summer of ’07, or early ’08, or some other artificial deadline, that would be giving our enemies exactly what they want,� Mr. Bush told reporters. “And so I am going to stay the course and finish the book I am currently reading: ‘Marley & Me: Life and Love with the World’s Worst Dog.’�

According to Professor Davis Logsdon, who teaches a course in the president’s reading habits at the University of Minnesota, anyone who expects Mr. Bush to finish reading the Iraq Study Group’s report any time soon will be “sorely disappointed.�

“When President Bush says he’s going to take his time reading something, he means it,� Dr. Logsdon said. “Remember how long it took him to finish ‘My Pet Goat.’�

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Dec 12, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

This Just In!!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Insurgents Form Own Study Group

War ‘Going Great,’ Report Says




Just days after the Iraq Study Group issued their downbeat assessment of the war on Iraq, Iraqi insurgents announced that they have formed their own study group and have released their own report, one that offers a much rosier picture of the Iraqi conflict.



The Insurgents Study Group, a collection of ten elder insurgents charged with the duty of assessing the war from the insurgents’ point of view, today issued a 147-page report which became an instant bestseller among insurgent readers across Iraq.



“The war in Iraq is going great and is improving every day,� the Insurgents Study Group’s report begins.



In contrast to the Iraq Study Group’s report, which advocates that the United States and its allies change their strategy in Iraq, the Insurgents Study Group recommends “not changing a thing.�



“As insurgents, our strategy could be summarized in three words,� the report concludes. “Stay the course.�



In addition to its upbeat assessment of the war in Iraq, the Insurgents Study Group report reserves some choice barbs for its American rivals, the Iraq Study Group.



“The Iraq Study Group’s report suggests that Iran and Syria might somehow help the U.S. out,� the report says. “With so-called brilliant ideas like that, they don’t deserve the name Study Group.�



In response, Iraq Study Group co-chair James A. Baker III said, “Oh yeah? I’d like to see their Study Group say that to my Study Group’s face.�

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Dec 9, 2006 in At TMV | 3 comments

This Just In!

This just in from investigative reporter Scott Ott of Scrappleface. Here’s his latest scoop that should soon make the newswires:

Iran to Deploy N-Bomb at U.S. Comedy Clubs
by Scott Ott

(2006-12-07) — Iran already has the N-bomb, according to an unnamed European diplomat, and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has approved a plan to begin deploying it at comedy clubs in the United States.

The CIA is investigating allegations that former comedians Michael Richards (Kramer on Seinfeld) and Andy Dick (that guy on the 1990s sitcom NewsRadio), may have connections to the Iranian regime.

“The N-bomb poses a particular danger because you don’t even need a briefcase to hide it,� said one unnamed CIA source. “It’s so small that you can conceal it in the human heart, and it won’t show up on x-rays.�

There’s more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Dec 7, 2006 in At TMV | 5 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Putin Denies Being ‘Anywhere Near’ Taco Bell
Calls Linking Him to E-Coli Outbreak ‘Pure Fantasy’

Russian President Vladimir Putin lashed out today at accusers who have pointed the finger at him in recent days for the outbreak of e-coli infections at several Taco Bell restaurants in New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania.

President Putin, already on the defensive over accusations that he poisoned former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko with radioactive sushi, held a press conference at the Kremlin today to offer his categorical denial of any involvement in the Taco Bell poisonings.

“I have not been anywhere near Taco Bell,� a visibly angry Mr. Putin told reporters. “Anyone who says I have done so is trading in pure fantasy.�

But despite Mr. Putin’s vehement statements to the contrary, several restaurant managers of the Taco Bell chain said that they saw a balding man resembling the Russian President skulking around their restaurants in recent days.

“I saw this sneaky-looking guy in a trench coat carrying a test tube of something funky and I was like, that is totally that evil Russian dude,� said Tracy Lamant, a manager of one of the New Jersey Taco Bells that was hit by the e-coli outbreak.

But according to Davis Logsdon, who heads up the University of Minnesota’s Institute of International Espionage, it is “highly unlikely� that Mr. Putin would start the spread of e-coli at Taco Bell restaurants in order to murder former Russian spies.

“First of all, there’s no evidence that Russian spies eat American fast food,� Dr. Logsdon. “Secondly, if they do, they’ll die pretty soon anyway.�

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Dec 5, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush: Heckuva Job, Al-Maliki

President’s Words of Praise May Mean Iraqi Premier is Through




In a meeting with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki today, President George W. Bush reportedly told him that he had his “full support� and that he was doing “a heckuva job,� indicating that Mr. al-Maliki’s tenure in office may soon be over.



In the hours leading up to the meeting with the president, Mr. al-Maliki was reportedly dreading hearing any words of praise from Mr. Bush, knowing that similar compliments paid to former FEMA chief Michael Brown and former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had immediately preceded their ousters.



“I want him to say ‘your job is hanging by a thread’ or ‘you totally suck,’� Mr. Maliki reportedly told a close associate. “Anything but ‘heckuva job.’�



But moments after the meeting with Mr. Bush in which the president pledged his full support for the Iraqi prime minister, an ashen-faced Mr. Maliki emerged, telling reporters, “I guess I better go to Kinkos and start copying my resume.�



While Messrs. Brown and Rumsfeld are two of the most famous former staffers of the president who received his praise as a prelude to getting the boot, over twenty thousand lesser-known former Bush employees gathered this weekend for their annual convention in Scottsdale, Arizona, to focus on networking and job retraining.



“I was trimming the hedges and the president said I was doing a heckuva job,� said Blanton Kellard, a former gardener at the president’s Crawford ranch. “That’s when I knew I was toast.�

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Dec 1, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush: US Committed to Finding New Synonyms for Civil War
Launches Operation Noble Euphemism

President George W. Bush said today that he would not allow a civil war in Iraq to erupt on his watch, and said that in order to prevent that from happening the United States would aggressively search for new synonyms for the phrase “civil war.”

In order to seek out the most sanitized alternatives to that phrase, the president announced that he was launching an ambitious new mission called Operation Noble Euphemism.

Showing his trademark steely resolve, Mr. Bush told reporters at the White House that the US was prepared to hunt down every last thesaurus on Earth and would not quit until the job was done.

As if to demonstrate the high priority he was placing on finding new synonyms, Mr. Bush said that the government would spend $12 billion, most of which had been previously earmarked to find Osama bin Laden.

But critics of Operation Noble Euphemism were skeptical of its outcome, particularly after the White House unsuccessfully launched a slogan contest last month to replace the phrase “stay the course.”

That contest, which was announced with much fanfare, was abandoned after a leak revealed that the top contender was “slog through the mire.”

White House spokesman Tony Snow attempted to quiet those critics today, saying that “the United States is committed to finding a lasting euphemism for civil war in Iraq.”

Mr. Snow refused to say which if any euphemisms were under consideration, but did say that the White House had already ruled out “Shiitepalooza.”

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Nov 28, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

This Just In!!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Al-Jazeera Refuses to Air O.J. Special
‘Not Up to Our Standards of Taste,’ Says Satellite Net

The Arabic-language Al-Jazeera network, which gained international notoriety for putting some of the most renowned sociopaths in the world on the air, today became the second network to refuse to broadcast the controversial O.J. Simpson special, “If I Did It.”

After the Fox network cancelled their airdate for the Simpson special, producer Judith Regan immediately sent a tape of the program to top executives at the Al-Jazeera network in the hopes that the media outlet who made a star our of Osama bin Laden would be a good fit for Mr. Simpson.

But after reviewing the tape of the Simpson program, Al-Jazeera executives decided that “If I Did It” was a non-starter at their network.

“O.J. Simpson certainly qualifies as a delusional madman, which is the bread and butter of our broadcast schedule,” said Al-Jazeera spokesman Hassan El-Medfaii. “Having said that, ‘If I Did It,’ is not up to our standards of taste.”

While some media observers took the Al-Jazeera statement at face value, insiders close to the decision not to air the O.J. special said that the network was “queasy about getting into business with Judith Regan.”

Instead, the network has decided to broadcast a new special starring Mr. bin Laden, entitled, “If I Declared a Global Jihad, Here’s How It Would Have Gone Down.”

According to those who have seen the special, Mr. bin Laden’s program is a ninety-minute hate-filled rant, but not as vicious as Michael Richards.

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

BONUS: Listen to Borowitz talk about the worst video games ever HERE.

Posted by on Nov 21, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush Goes AWOL in Vietnam
Pays Emergency Visit to Alabama

President George W. Bush raised eyebrows in diplomatic circles over the weekend when he inexplicably went AWOL during his historic first visit to Vietnam.

The president had been expected to discuss such pressing issues as trade and security with Vietnamese leaders, making his mysterious disappearance all the more controversial.

But according to reporters traveling with Mr. Bush on Air Force One, the summit was ill-fated from the start, as the president was overheard muttering, “How the heck can I get out of going to Vietnam?”

Shortly after his arrival in Hanoi, Mr. Bush craftily eluded his Secret Service escorts, escaping through the window of his hotel room via a makeshift rope of bed sheets.

When the president was a no-show at a state dinner later that evening, it fell to White House spokesman Tony Snow to report to the gathering of dignitaries and reporters, “I’m afraid the president has flown the coop.”

According to Mr. Snow, Mr. Bush left behind a scrawled note on hotel stationery indicating that he had to attend to an “emergency” in Alabama.

The mystery deepened, however, when Alabama authorities issued a statement indicating that there was no evidence that the president had shown up in their state at all.

Within minutes of Mr. Bush’s disappearance from Hanoi, the Vietnamese government invited Vice President Dick Cheney to take his place, but Mr. Cheney deferred accepting that invitation five times.

“I have other priorities,” the vice president explained.

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Nov 18, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush’s Dad Asks For Keys to White House Back
Air Force One, President Grounded For Life

In yet another setback for President George W. Bush, his father, former President George H.W. Bush, appeared in the Oval Office today and demanded that his son give back the keys to the White House at once.

For the elder Mr. Bush, who has largely taken a hands-off approach during his son’s first six years in office, the decision to demand the keys to his erstwhile residence was regarded as extraordinary.

But according to witnesses to the unprecedented confrontation, the senior Mr. Bush also demanded the keys to Air Force One and informed his son that he was “grounded for life.”

After the 41st president reprimanded the 43rd president for invading Iraq, the younger Mr. Bush attempted to offer a defense for his unilateral action, telling his father, “All of my friends said that it was a good idea.”

“Oh, and if all your friends told you to go AWOL from the Alabama National Guard, would you do that, too?” his father thundered. “Okay, well maybe that wasn’t the best example, but you get the point.”

Speaking to reporters later, the 41st president said that he forbade his son from spending time with Vice President Dick Cheney, calling him “a bad influence.”

“I told George to spend the weekend mowing that big lawn in front of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,” he said. “I want him to think long and hard about what he’s done.”

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Nov 15, 2006 in At TMV | 2 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Kerry Botches ‘Yo Mama’ Joke
Omits Words ‘Mama’ and ‘Yo’ in West Point Appearance

Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) found himself in the middle of another botched joke controversy today as the 2004 Democratic nominee for president misread a classic “yo mama” joke while making a speech to military cadets at West Point.

After his failed attempt at humor one week before the midterm elections, many observers assumed that the Massachusetts senator would retire from the comedy field once and for all.

But according to one of Mr. Kerry’s aides, the former Democratic standard-bearer was determined to prove “just how funny he really can be.”

Mr. Kerry decided to leave nothing to chance in his latest attempt at comedy, however, choosing a time-tested joke in the “yo mama” format and having it written on a large cue card which an aide held aloft just yards away from the podium.

According to the plan, the Massachusetts senator was to entertain the cadets by saying, “Yo mama so stupid, it take her an hour to cook Minute Rice.”

But inexplicably, Mr. Kerry decided to depart from his prepared remarks and instead told the cadets, “You’re so stupid, you’re going to wind up stuck in Iraq.”

According to a new Newsweek poll, a majority of Americans want Mr. Kerry to get out of comedy altogether.

In a head-to-head match-up with other comedians, Mr. Kerry receives only 4%, trailing David Brenner at 7%, Gallagher at 12%, and Carrot Top at 37%.

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Nov 10, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Democrats, Republicans Agree to Take Two Years Off
Two Parties Find Common Ground in Decision Not to Work

In a landmark agreement that has raised hopes for bipartisan cooperation in the new Congress, Democrats and Republicans today agreed to take the next two years off.

After a bruising battle this fall in which both parties exchanged vicious charges and counter-charges, few observers expected such bitter enemies to find common ground in something as basic as their desire not to work.

But at a ceremony in the Capitol building this morning, incoming Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Cal) and outgoing Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill) stood side by side, vowing to dedicate the next two years to recovering from a grueling midterm election campaign.

“The American people did not send us to Washington to see us fight with each other,” Rep. Pelosi said. “And so, we’re getting out of here and going on vacation.”

Rep. Hastert agreed with Speaker Pelosi’s assessment, adding, “It would be great if we could work together, but not working at all is the next best thing.”

Across Capitol Hill, politicians on both sides of the aisle hailed the news of the two-year hiatus, with many congressmen noting that the decision will give them an early jump on making travel reservations.

“Two years from now, we will be tanned, rested and ready,” said Rep. Hastert. “Then we can roll up our sleeves and do what the American people elected us to do: making negative ads for 2008.”

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Nov 9, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Cheney Reminds Bush He Has Pictures of Him Naked
Veep Unlikely to Be Axed, Insiders Say

Minutes after President George W. Bush announced the resignation of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly confronted Mr. Bush in the Oval Office and said to his boss, “If you’re thinking of firing me, remember, I have those naked pictures of you and that goat.”

The precise meaning of the vice president’s comment, which has been the source of much speculation inside the Beltway in the last twenty-four hours, remains unclear, but White House aides said that it indicated “a high level of anxiety” on the part Mr. Cheney about his future in the Bush administration.

“The president told [former FEMA chief] Michael Brown that he was doing ‘a heckuva job’ right before he was axed, and just last week, he said the same thing about Rumsfeld and Cheney,” one aide said. “I think that’s what made the vice president mention those pictures of him and that goat.”

While Mr. Cheney’s future in the Bush administration was said to be shaky in recent weeks, reports that the vice president possesses naked pictures of Mr. Bush make his departure “unlikely,” insiders say.

Incoming Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Cal) said that she had “no comment” about the possibility that that Mr. Cheney in fact possesses naked pictures of President Bush with a goat, but added, “If he does, it would certainly explain how he’s lasted in the job this long.”

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Nov 5, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Kerry Found With Duct Tape Over Mouth

Dean Denies Involvement




Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass), the 2004 Democratic nominee for President, was discovered today in a broom closet at Democratic National Committee headquarters in Washington, his hands bound behind his back and a strip of duct tape over his mouth.



The discovery of Sen. Kerry ended a nationwide manhunt after the former presidential candidate vanished Tuesday afternoon en route to an appearance on CNN’s “The Situation Room” with Wolf Blitzer.



Sen. Kerry, who created controversy on Monday by telling a group of California students that people unable to succeed in the U.S. educational system would likely “get stuck in Iraq,” said that he was walking towards CNN studios in Washington when an unknown person came upon him from behind and chloroformed him.



“The next thing I knew, I was tied up in a closet with this duct tape over my mouth,” Kerry said. “It’s too bad, because I had a lot of awesome things to say on CNN.”



Moments after the discovery of Sen. Kerry in the DNC’s broom closet, Washington police called party chairman Howard Dean in for questioning.



“We knew that Gov. Dean had a motivation for silencing Sen. Kerry,” said Washington, D.C. police detective Delmore Gleason. “Plus, as a former doctor, he had access to chloroform.”



After being questioned by police, however, Gov. Dean told reporters he had “no involvement” in the drugging of the talkative Sen. Kerry.



“When I learned that somebody had put John Kerry to sleep, all I could think was, turnabout is fair play,” Gov. Dean said.

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:


Posted by on Nov 1, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Chertoff Raises Threat Level on Reports of Imminent Election
Calls Threat of November 7 Vote ‘Credible’

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff today raised the national threat level to red after intelligence reports indicated that a national election could be imminent.

Speaking at a Washington press conference, Mr. Chertoff said that his department made the difficult decision to ratchet the nation’s terror alert system up to the highest level after being assured by intelligence officials that the threat of an impending election was “credible.”

“We do not know exactly when the election will take place, but we have credible information suggesting it will happen on or around November 7,” Mr. Chertoff said.

The homeland security secretary said that intelligence sources believe that the al-Qaeda terror network might be implementing a plot to booby-trap voting machines, causing the machines to explode if a voter pulls a lever for a Democratic candidate.

“My advice to all voters who were thinking of voting for Democrats is to stay at home until this current threat passes,” Mr. Chertoff said. “In this business, it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

The warning from the Department of Homeland Security drew a harsh rebuke from Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean, who said that the timing of the Homeland Security Department’s move “doesn’t pass the smell test.”

But Mr. Chertoff remained unfazed by Mr. Dean’s criticism, arguing, “Who are the American people going to believe — someone who is politically motivated, or the Department of Homeland Security?”

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Oct 29, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush Proposes Making Illegal Immigrants ‘Guest Voters’

Would Be One-Day Citizens on November 7




In his boldest stroke to date to break the logjam over illegal immigration, President George W. Bush today proposed a “guest voter” program for illegal immigrants that would make them eligible to vote in the midterm elections on November 7.



Speaking at a press conference at the White House this morning, Mr. Bush said that his “guest voter” proposal would allow illegal immigrants to attain full citizenship status for one day only.



“Illegal immigrants are important to this country, because they do many of the things that other Americans are unwilling to do,” the president said. “Like voting.”



According to the president’s plan, undocumented immigrants would be bused to special “naturalization/voting booths” on November 7 where they could become citizens for the day simply by pulling a lever.



“Then, when their work is done, we’ll make sure they’re back on the other side of the border by November 8,” Mr. Bush said. “Everyone wins.”



But Mr. Bush’s guest voter program received mix reviews from congressional Democrats, many of whom believe that glitches in the so-called naturalization/voting booths could lead to invalid election results.



In particular, critics have complained that in an early prototype of the booth, the translation of the phrase “I want to be a U.S. citizen” appeared as “Vote for all Republican candidates with this lever.”



Unfazed by the critics, Mr. Bush said he would move forward with this and other immigration proposals, including building a 700-foot fence around Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-New York).

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Oct 27, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush: I Will Stay the Course of Not Using the Phrase ‘Stay the Course’

But Will Not Cut and Run from ‘Cut and Run,’ President Says




Responding to criticism that he has dropped the phrase “stay the course” from his speeches about Iraq, President George W. Bush said today that he would stay the course of refusing to say the words “stay the course.”



“There are terrorist folks out there who would like nothing better than to see me say the words ‘stay the course’ again,” Mr. Bush said in a feisty White House press conference. “But I have decided to stay the course of not using the phrase ‘stay the course.'”



Asked why he had decided to stay the course of refusing to use the phrase “stay the course,” the president said, “If I didn’t stay the course of refusing to use the phrase ‘stay the course,’ it would send a confusing message, and I am trying to do the opposite of that.”



While reaffirming his decision to no longer use the phrase “stay the course,” Mr. Bush had more positive things to say about the phrase “cut and run,” which will continue to appear in his speeches on Iraq.



“I have no intention of cutting and running from the phrase ‘cut and run,'” the president vowed.



Mr. Bush expressed impatience with the situation in Iraq, especially with the slow pace of Iraqi efforts to develop their own meaningless slogans.



“The time has come for the Iraqi government to concoct meaningless slogans of their own,” Mr. Bush said.

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Oct 24, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

U.S. Cedes Control of Iraq to Jerry Bruckheimer
Megaproducer to Guide Nation’s Transition to Disaster Film

In a high-risk exit strategy that surprised many in diplomatic circles, President George W. Bush announced today that the United States would cede control of Iraq to the Hollywood megaproducer Jerry Bruckheimer.

The decision to transfer sovereignty of Iraq to Mr. Bruckheimer, best known for such Hollywood thrill-rides as “Pirates of the Caribbean,” struck many foreign policy experts as unorthodox at best, since Mr. Bruckheimer has no experience at nation-building and has never set foot in Iraq.

But at the White House today, a beaming President Bush said that Mr. Bruckheimer was the most logical choice to guide Iraq in its transition from a Middle Eastern nation to a big-budget disaster film.

“It is true that Jerry Bruckheimer has never been to Iraq,” Mr. Bush told reporters. “But he did produce ‘Armageddon.'”

For his part, Mr. Bruckheimer was tight-lipped about his plans for the war-torn nation, but he did offer a sneak preview, telling reporters, “Nicholas Cage will be playing a key role.”

Mr. Bruckheimer added that Iraq had “all the ingredients” necessary to become a major summer blockbuster: “lots of explosions, thousands of people running for their lives, and a world-class villain, Saddam Hussein.”

But whether Mr. Hussein would be willing to play a role in Mr. Bruckheimer’s disaster epic remains to be seen, according to the deposed dictator’s Hollywood agent, Adam Leinhartz of the William Morris agency.

“What Saddam really wants to do is direct,” Mr. Leinhartz said.

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Oct 19, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush Says He Will Back Up Tough Talk on North Korea With Even Tougher Talk

Drop Nuke Plans or Face ‘Meanest Speech Ever,’ President Warns Kim




In a nationally televised speech from the White House today, President George W. Bush warned North Korean President Kim Jong-Il that he is prepared to back up his tough talk on North Korea’s nuclear program with “even tougher talk.”



After the mercurial Kim tested his nation’s first nuclear device two weeks ago, many in diplomatic circles wondered if Mr. Bush would retaliate with more than strong words, but today’s speech left little doubt on that score as the U.S. president said that he was “prepared to strike back with the strongest words ever.”



“To Mr. Kim Jong-Il, let me say this,” Mr. Bush said. “Abandon your nuclear program at once, or you will face the full fury of the United States of America’s harshest rhetoric.”



At the Pentagon, officials today said the President was mulling a series of options to punish North Korea, including a tactical speech lasting ten to fifteen minutes or a more devastating verbal assault that could last up to an hour.



Later in the day, White House spokesman Tony Snow said that President Bush had conducted a test of his “meanest speech ever” in front of the White House staff and that the speech had been “totally successful.”



“In his speech, the President called Kim Jong-Il ‘evil,’ ‘wicked,’ ‘immoral’ and ‘iniquitous,'” Mr. Snow said. “The message is clear: the United States has a thesaurus and we’re not afraid to use it.”

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Oct 15, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

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THIS JUST IN!

Developing Story! Rove Has Gone From “Bush’s Brain� To “Bush’s Drain�

White House In Crises, As Rove Takes Credit For North Korean Nuke Test

Sources Say ‘Bush’s Brain� Weary From Sinking Polls, Fundraising; Too Tired To Come Up With New October Surprise

Sources have told The Garlic that a brutal and bitter flare-up is occurring inside the White House, as top Bush Aide Karl Rove has been “boasting� to colleagues and GOP officials that the recent North Korean test of a nuclear device was his work, this years’ “October Surprise� that Rove has become famous for pulling out of his infamous playbook.

Numerous sources have reported on Rove, making his rounds around Capital Hill, taking credit for the recent, alleged nuclear test by the North Korean government.

There’s more so READ IT ALL.

Posted by on Oct 13, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Mel Gibson Acquires Nuclear Weapon
Malibu Nuke Test Raises Proliferation Fears

The elite club of nuclear powers gained a new member today as the actor Mel Gibson conducted what he called a successful nuclear test in Malibu, California.

With all eyes on North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and his nuclear ambitions in recent days, the international community was stunned to learn that the controversial Australian actor had been quietly developing a nuclear weapon of his own.

But after digging a massive hole in the beach at Malibu and then detonating the nuclear device underground, Mr. Gibson held a press conference to say that he had initiated a nuclear program to guarantee his own security.

“There are a lot of people out to get me, and I think you know who they are,” Mr. Gibson said.

Moments after the actor’s announcement, the Malibu nuclear blast became the topic of heated debate in the United Nations, drawing strong words of condemnation from Danny Gillerman, Israel’s ambassador to the U.N.

“Iran getting a nuclear weapon was one thing, but this Mel Gibson business will not be tolerated,” he said.

Davis Logsdon, director of the Nuclear Proliferation Institute at the University of Minnesota, said that Mr. Gibson’s acquisition of a nuclear weapon casts “an ominous cloud” over the prospects for world peace.

“The fact that Mel Gibson now has a nuke is going to inspire other angry celebrities to acquire nukes of their own,” Mr. Logsdon said. “Is the world really prepared to see nuclear weapons in the hands of Star Jones, or Liza Minnelli?”

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book:

Posted by on Oct 10, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Poll: Majority of Americans Fear Being Instant-Messaged By a Republican

Tops Terrorism, North Korean Nukes in New Survey

A new survey released today indicates that a majority of Americans are more afraid of being instant-messaged or emailed by a Republican congressman than they are of terrorism, rising oil prices, or North Korea destroying the world with a nuclear weapon.

Anecdotal evidence in recent days has suggested that Americans are increasingly concerned about receiving unwanted electronic communications from a Republican lawmaker, but the new poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, offers a measure of just how deep those concerns run.

When asked to name their number one fear, 8% said “losing my job to outsourcing,” 10% said “not being able to afford to fill up my car with gas,” 14% said “North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il blowing up the world with a nuclear weapon,” while a whopping 65% said “being instant-messaged by a horny Republican.”

Carol Foyler, the director of GOPervWatch, a watchdog group that warns parents about their children’s Internet contact with pervy Republicans, said that there are simple ways for parents to determine if their kids have been chatting online with a filthy-minded G.O.P. lawmaker.

“As parents, it’s our responsibility to monitor who our children are talking to online,” Ms. Foyler said. “If you hear your child start to use phrases like ‘tax cut,’ ‘stay the course,’ or ‘family values,’ those are danger signs that he has been chatting with a horny Republican.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

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Posted by on Oct 8, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush on Foley: ‘We Must Crack Down on Illegal Immigration’

President Attempts to Change Terms of Debate

In an attempt to change the terms of the debate over the Mark Foley scandal, President George W. Bush said today that the Foley matter “only reaffirms my belief that we must crack down on illegal immigration.”

Mr. Bush’s decision to link the Foley scandal with the issue of illegal immigration struck some in Washington as unorthodox, but the president remained resolute that America’s immigration crisis, and not the behavior of Mr. Foley, was the true root cause of the scandal.

“The question we need to be asking ourselves is not if Mark Foley behaved improperly,” Mr. Bush said. “The question we need to ask is, were these congressional pages in our country legally?”

Mr. Bush said he would ask Congress to appropriate $84 million to investigate the legal status of all congressional pages at once: “What we may be seeing is an orchestrated attempt by 16-year-old boys with hot bodies to swarm into our country and tempt our lawmakers.”

Minutes after the president’s remarks, which Mr. Bush made at a Boys Club of America luncheon in Washington, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert praised the president for “pointing the finger at the true culprits in this case.”

“It’s not hard for a bunch of scheming young men with hot bodies to corrupt an older man through no fault of his own,” Mr. Hastert says. “As a former high school wrestling coach, I speak from experience.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

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Posted by on Oct 7, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Jacko Running For Foley’s Seat
King of Pop Makes First Foray into Politic
s

In a stunning development that could radically alter the electoral landscape in the upcoming midterm elections, the singer Michael Jackson announced today that he would run for the seat vacated last Friday by former Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.)

Mr. Jackson told reporters that he had never shown much interest in politics before, but added, “When I started reading about Mark Foley, I realized that the House of Representatives was my kind of place.”

The platinum-selling recording artist drew big crowds in his first day of campaigning, delighting onlookers in Orlando by getting out of his limo and dancing on its roof.

But in one regrettable gaffe for the novice politician, Mr. Jackson kissed a baby in Daytona Beach and then dangled the child from a hotel balcony.

“My bad,” Mr. Jackson later said.

House Republicans expressed muted support for Mr. Jackson’s election bid, with Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert saying that he knew of nothing in the singer’s past that would prevent him from serving ably in the House.

“Michael Jackson has done a lot of positive things, especially in the field of mentoring,” Mr. Hastert said.

According to Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the entertainment scene, transforming himself from King of Pop to congressman from Florida could prove to be a shrewd image makeover for the tabloid-ready Mr. Jackson.

“In the outside world, Michael Jackson seems weird and maybe even a freak,” Mr. Schlantz said. “But once he’s in Congress he’ll seem perfectly normal.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

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Posted by on Oct 3, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Foley’s ‘No Congressional Page Left Behind’ Bill Faces Uphill Struggle in the House
Last Official Act of Embattled Lawmaker

House Republicans were in a quandary today as to how to handle a controversial new bill entitled “No Congressional Page Left Behind” proposed by Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla) in the hours before his resignation on Friday.

Mr. Foley’s bill, which mandates “close oversight” of congressional pages by House members, could become a proverbial hot potato for Republican lawmakers with only weeks to go before the midterm elections.

Mr. Foley took to the floor of the House Friday morning to make an impassioned plea for the bill, which would put House members in “constant contact” with congressional pages using such technology as emails, instant messages, and private chat rooms.

“The time has come for us as legislators to take congressional pages under our wings,” an emotional Mr. Foley said from the House floor. “And that means all congressional pages, not just the 16-year-olds with hot bodies.”

Saying that the welfare of the congressional pages was foremost in his mind, he added, “This law would enable us to know how they are doing, and what they are wearing, at all times.”

In the hours after his resignation, speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said it was “unlikely” that Mr. Foley’s “No Congressional Page Left Behind” bill would become a law.

“As House Republicans, we don’t want to touch Mark Foley with a ten-foot pole,” Mr. Hastert said. “Even though he’d probably enjoy that.”

You can read and acquire Andy Borowitz’s special investigative reports by CLICKING HERE.

Posted by on Sep 29, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Mel Gibson Apologizes to Doomed Mayans for Latest Remarks

Embattled Actor Reaches Out to Doomed Mayan Community




After comparing the United States to the doomed Mayan civilization while promoting his new movie at a film festival in Texas this week, actor Mel Gibson today offered a heartfelt apology for offending doomed Mayans with his remarks.



At a press conference in Los Angeles, the embattled actor took great pains to explain that it was in no way his attention to offend doomed Mayans with his remarks.



“Yesterday, when I compared the United States to the doomed Mayan civilization, I had no idea that there were any doomed Mayans still around,” Mr. Gibson said. “I was basically going on the assumption that since they were doomed a long time ago, I was pretty much in the clear.”



Mr. Gibson’s apology came just hours after an angry statement was made by the National Coalition of Doomed Mayans, a watchdog group that monitors the portrayal of doomed Mayans in the media.



“We Mayans may be doomed, but we have feelings,” said a representative of the group, which is urging all doomed Mayans to boycott Mr. Gibson’s latest film.



According to Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and longtime observer of the Hollywood scene, mending fences with the doomed Mayan community is “absolutely essential” to preserving what is left of Mr. Gibson’s career.



“Doomed Mayans are a small but vocal part of the Hollywood community,” Mr. Schlantz said. “Pissing them off isn’t as bad as pissing off the Jews, but it doesn’t help.”There’s more so read the whole thing.

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Posted by on Sep 23, 2006 in At TMV | 2 comments

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Lewinsky Mulls ’08 Run



Former White House Intern Offers Self as Alternative to Hillary




In a development that could drastically alter the playing field of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, former White House intern Monica Lewinsky confirmed today that she was considering making a bid for the Democratic nod in 2008.



According to those familiar with her political plans, Ms. Lewinsky plans to offer herself as an alternative to the presumptive frontrunner in the race, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-New York).



Rumors of Ms. Lewinsky’s intentions spread like wildfire this week when the erstwhile intern made a series of stops in New Hampshire, location of the nation’s first presidential primary.



Wearing a midnight blue cocktail dress, Ms. Lewinsky drew large crowds across the state, suggesting that she could be a real threat to Ms. Clinton in a head-to-head race.



“Voters are worn out from George Bush, Iraq and the war on terror,” said Democratic voter Jayson Tenzer, who attended one of Ms. Lewinsky’s New Hampshire rallies. “Monica Lewinsky means good times.”



According to Professor Davis Logsdon of the political science department at the University of Minnesota, offering herself as an alternative to Sen. Clinton could be a successful strategy for Ms. Lewinsky: “It’s worked before.”



And while some Democratic insiders worry that Ms. Lewinsky lacks the political know-how to be President of the United States, Professor Logsdon does not share those concerns: “Monica Lewinsky has actually had more experience in the Oval Office than Hillary Clinton has.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.



You can read and acquire Andy Borowitz’s special investigative reports by CLICKING HERE.

Posted by on Sep 21, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush Accuses Saddam of Poisoning America’s Spinach
Calls Vegetables the New Front in War on Terror

In a nationally televised address last night, President George W. Bush accused former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein of poisoning America’s spinach supply and called vegetables the new front in the war on terror.

While offering no direct evidence linking Saddam to the recent tainting of American spinach with E coli, Mr. Bush said that intelligence sources indicated that “trying to destroy America by poisoning its spinach is just the kind of thing that Saddam Hussein would try to do, if given half a chance.”

He added that he would take action to maintain an uninterrupted flow of spinach by releasing America’s Strategic Spinach Reserve, millions of tons of spinach stored in huge underground salt caverns along the coastline of the Gulf of Mexico.

Mr. Bush’s case against Saddam appears to have been persuasive, since a new poll taken after the President’s speech showed that a majority of Americans now believe that the Iraqi madman was responsible for the tainting of America’s spinach, with a slightly smaller number believing he was somehow involved in the death of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

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Posted by on Sep 20, 2006 in At TMV | 4 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Poll: In Match-up Between Hillary and Kerry, Most Democrats Would Choose Suicide
Survey Spells Trouble for Dems, Pollster Says

A new survey of Democratic voters indicates that in a hypothetical match-up between Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and former presidential nominee John Kerry, most Democrats would choose suicide over either candidate.

The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, shows Mr. Kerry drawing 21%, Sen. Clinton 18%, and various forms of suicide 61%.

“Throwing yourself in front of a speeding city bus� was the most popular means of suicide at 22%, with “jumping off the roof of a really tall building or bridge� coming in second at 17%.

According to pollster Rockwell Pritchard, the surging popularity of suicide bodes ill for both Sen. Clinton and Sen. Kerry as potential presidential candidates in 2008.

“It’s still very early, but even at this stage of the game the prospect of one of those two being nominated shouldn’t be making Democrats want to kill themselves in these numbers,� Mr. Pritchard said.

Reached at his home in Massachusetts, Sen. Kerry pointed out that while he did not do as well as suicide, he still polled higher than Sen. Clinton, adding, “That’s better than a sharp stick in the eye.�

There’s more so read the whole thing.

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Posted by on Sep 18, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Fox News Offers Pope His Own Show
‘The Pope Benedict XVI Factor’ to Debut Next Week

In what many in religious and broadcasting circles are calling an unprecedented development, the Fox News Channel today announced that it had offered Pope Benedict XVI his own show as part of their weekly primetime lineup.

The program, which will be broadcast live from a specially built television studio in Vatican City, will be called “The Pope Benedict XVI Factor” and will feature the outspoken pontiff shooting from the hip on a variety of topics.

Fox, which is currently home to such conservative commentators as Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity, surprised many in the television industry by reaching out to one of the world’s most powerful religious leaders to host a nightly news program.

But according to Fox spokesperson Carol Foyler, the Pope’s recent comments about Islam, which succeeded in alienating millions of Muslims around the world, showed that the pontiff and Fox were “a good fit.”

“If Pope Benedict XVI can offend and insult that many people right out of the box, imagine how good he’ll be after a few weeks of working here at Fox News,” Ms. Foyler said.

Ms. Foyler said that the format of the Pope’s show was still “a work in progress,” but she hinted that there would be a nightly segment in which the Pope would take a gratuitous shot at one of the world’s leading religious faiths.

“Our thinking is, let the Pope be the Pope,” she said.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

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Posted by on Sep 14, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush Vows to Google Bin Laden
Enlists World’s Most Powerful Search Engine in Hunt for Madman

In a nationally televised speech today, President George W. Bush issued his most direct threat ever to Osama bin Laden, vowing to use the search engine Google to find the al-Qaeda terror leader.

“Mr. Osama bin Laden, you can run, but you can’t hide,” Mr. Bush said, with his trademark steely resolve. “Google will find you.”

Mr. Bush concluded his speech by warning the world’s most wanted madman, “I’m searching you on Google right now, and I’m feeling lucky.”

News reports that the CIA had recently disbanded a special unit dedicated to finding Mr. bin Laden suggested that the White House no longer saw his capture as a top priority, but the President’s decision to use what he called “the most powerful search engine on the Internets” sent a different message.

But even as Mr. Bush announced plans to enlist Google in the search for bin Laden, he attempted to manage the expectations of the American people, warning, “The Googling of Osama bin Laden will be a long and arduous Googling.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

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Posted by on Sep 13, 2006 in At TMV | 3 comments

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Ann Coulter Urges Using Nukes in War on Obesity
‘We Must Take the Battle to the Lard-asses,’ Says Pundit

Conservative pundit Ann Coulter touched off a firestorm of controversy today in a nationally televised interview by urging the United States government to use nuclear weapons in the war on obesity.

Appearing on the program “Fox & Friends” on the Fox News Channel, the wafer-thin darling of the Republican right said that conventional means to wage the war on obesity had failed and that the nuclear option must now be exercised.

“Telling Americans that they have to eat less, or eat fewer fatty foods, or exercise more, clearly isn’t working,” Ms. Coulter said. “The only way we are going to win the war on obesity is by firing nuclear weapons at the fat people themselves.”

Ms. Coulter was less specific about how obese people would be targeted and whether tactical or strategic nuclear weapons should be used, but she was vehement in defending her controversial plan.

“We must take the battle to the lard-asses before they follow us into our kitchens and start raiding our refrigerators,” she said.

Ms. Coulter’s unprecedented comments about the war on obesity landed her in the Guinness Book of World Records for most consecutive appearances by a television pundit without making a sane remark.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

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Posted by on Sep 12, 2006 in At TMV | 2 comments

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Scientists Say Knicks Are No Longer a Basketball Team

Prague Conference Demotes New York Team to Dwarf Status




Just weeks after a conference of scientists determined that Pluto was not a planet after all, the same scientists reconvened in Prague today to pronounce that the New York Knicks were not a basketball team.



Sports fans have suspected over the last few seasons that the original decision to characterize the Knicks as an actual NBA team may have been in error, but today’s announcement by the scientists seemed to remove all remaining shreds of doubt.



“While the New York Knicks possess some qualities that are consistent with a basketball team, we have come to the conclusion that they are something else entirely,” said Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke of the University of Tokyo. “It would be more accurate to call the Knicks a dwarf team.”



Dr. Kyosuke said it was “understandable” that scientists had assumed that the Knicks were a basketball team for so many years, because they exhibited behavior similar to such teams, such as moving around a basketball court in a seemingly organized manner and hurling an orange spherical object.



“However, they failed to exhibit two properties common to all basketball teams,” Dr. Kyosuke said. “Scoring points and winning games.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.



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Posted by on Sep 9, 2006 in At TMV | 2 comments

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush Transfers Detainees From CIA to DMV
Will Wait on Line Until They Talk, President Says

President George W. Bush stunned the international human rights community today by announcing that he would transfer a dozen detainees being held in secret CIA prisons to the Department of Motor Vehicles in New York City.

While rumors have abounded that the United States was contemplating using the interminable waiting times at the DMV to force terror suspects to talk, Mr. Bush’s Rose Garden announcement was the first public acknowledgement of the plan.

“Effective tomorrow, these detainees will be forced to wait on long lines and fill out form after form for hours on end,” Mr. Bush told reporters. “If that does not make these evildoers talk, nothing will.”

Explaining the President’s plan, White House spokesman Tony Snow said that each terror suspect would be forced to apply for new drivers’ licenses, vehicle registrations and license plates “until they start singing like canaries.”

But hours after the President’s plan was announced, human rights groups around the world cried foul, claiming that detaining suspects at the DMV, especially the one in New York, was tantamount to torture.

“It is in our opinion that being forced to spend more than one hour at the DMV could be in direct violation of the Geneva Conventions,” said Carol Foyler of Amnesty International.

At the White House, Mr. Snow said that the President had other options for making detainees talk, including making them take turns as White House press spokesman.

“No one lasts in this job for long without snapping,” Mr. Snow said.

There’s a little more so read the whole thing.

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Posted by on Sep 7, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Child, 11, Left Behind

Sign That President’s ‘No Child Left Behind’ Law May Not Be Working, Critics Say




In what critics are calling a sign that President Bush’s “No Child Left Behind” law is not delivering on its promise, an eleven-year-old child in Toledo, Ohio was left behind today.



On a day when millions of American children returned to school, the news that a child had been left behind came at a most inopportune moment for President Bush, who has repeatedly vowed that his educational policy would leave no child behind.



Zack Steidel, the Toledo boy who was left behind, seemed to be taking his newsworthy status in stride today.



“I didn’t want to go to school anyway,” said Mr. Steidel. “This way I can just stay at home and play Xbox, which totally rocks.”



At the White House, spokesman Tony Snow tried to downplay the importance of young Mr. Steidel having been left behind.



“At this point it is way too early to say that Zack being left behind means that ‘No Child Left Behind’ does not work,” Mr. Snow said. “He may have just missed the school bus.”



But education expert Davis Logsdon says that “No Child Left Behind,” which requires that students pass standardized tests in order to advance to the next grade, may be flawed at its core: “If that law had been around when President Bush was in school, he would still be in seventh grade.”

There’s a bit more so read the whole thing.



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Posted by on Sep 6, 2006 in At TMV | 2 comments

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THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

CNN Switches to All-Polygamy Format
Becomes First 24-Hour Polygamy News Network

CNN rocked the television news industry today by announcing that it would begin covering news about polygamy and nothing else on a 24-hour basis.

For many viewers who had noticed a sharp uptick in the amount of its polygamy news coverage in recent days, the announcement that the network would switch to an all-polygamy format did not come as a total surprise.

Still, CNN spokesperson Carol Foyler said at a press conference in New York that the network’s decision to become the first all-polygamy news service was “an important strategic move.”

“For years, CNN has been covering wars, hurricanes, and terrorist attacks around the world,” Ms. Foyler said. “But those so-called ‘news’ stories were a departure from our real mission, which is to report about pervs with nineteen wives.”

“This is going to be a big change for all of us, but sometimes change is just what’s needed,” said Wolf Blitzer, host of the rechristened CNN show “The Polygamy Room.”

Ms. Foyler said that CNN would reassign reporters covering the White House and the Pentagon to the new CNN news headquarters in Hildale, Utah.

CNN anchor Lou Dobbs said he would no longer obsess about illegal immigration but would instead report on “horny polygamists trying to sneak into our country.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

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Posted by on Aug 30, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

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THIS JUST IN from investgative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Boulder District Attorney Pleads Insanity
‘Out of My Mind’ to Arrest John Mark Karr, Lacy Explains

In an attempt to explain a mystery that has baffled millions for the past two weeks, Boulder Counter District Attorney Mary Lacy pleaded insanity today for her decision to arrest John Mark Karr for the murder of child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey.

Since the arrest of Mr. Karr two weeks ago, millions of Americans have been mystified as to how anyone with a background in law enforcement could have arrested someone for the Ramsey murder without any evidence that he had ever set foot in Boulder.

But in a press conference in Boulder today, Ms. Lacy hoped that her insanity plea would put the mystery to rest once and for all, telling reporters, “I was out of my mind when I arrested John Mark Karr.”

While Ms. Lacy’s insanity plea is expected to satisfy many who were baffled by her decision to arrest Mr. Karr, criminologist Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota says that it only provides “one piece of the puzzle.”

“The question remains, why would someone arrest a whackjob like John Mark Karr for a murder he clearly did not commit?” Dr. Logsdon said. “Like many district attorneys, Mary Lacy may have been looking for her fifteen minutes of fame.”

For her part, Ms. Lacy told reporters that she wanted to put the Karr episode behind her and get on with her life: “I have recently been given the opportunity to purchase the Brooklyn Bridge and I would very much like to pursue that.”

There’s a bit more so read the whole thing.

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Posted by on Aug 28, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investgative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Pluto Demoted, But Not Rumsfeld

Scientists Baffled By Defense Secretary’s Staying Powe
r



Scientists who gathered in Prague last week to strip Pluto of its planet status said today that they were “baffled” that Pluto had been demoted but that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld still clung to his position of power.



Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke of the University of Tokyo was one of many scientists who favored the demotion of Pluto but thought that Secretary Rumsfeld should be stripped of his status as well.



“It seems counterintuitive to me that we should say Pluto is no longer a planet, yet Donald Rumsfeld is still Secretary of Defense,” Dr. Kyosuke said. “After all, Pluto has done no harm.”



Scientists studying Secretary Rumsfeld have for some time believed that he is not worthy of the Secretary of Defense designation and should be demoted to some lesser position, such as Postmaster General.



Still others believe that some new definition should be invented to characterize Mr. Rumsfeld, such as Dwarf Secretary of Defense.



“At the very least, the language he speaks should be demoted from English to gibberish,” Dr. Kyosuke said.



Other experts, however, such as the University of Minnesota’s Davis Logsdon, said that while there is “no rational explanation” for why Secretary Rumsfeld has remained in power, his longevity must be classified as one of many cosmic mysteries that science has yet to understand.



“The fact is, the more we learn about Donald Rumsfeld, the more we realize just how little we understand about him,” Dr. Logsdon said.

There’s a bit more so read the whole thing.



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Posted by on Aug 25, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson to Build Movie Studio on the Moon
Move Reflects Dwindling Career Options on Earth, Insiders Say

Embattled actors Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson served notice to the entertainment industry that they intend to keep marching to the beat of a different drum by announcing today that they will build the first movie studio on the moon.

Industry insiders speculated that the actors’ decision to build the first lunar movie studio was motivated in part by their dwindling career options on the planet Earth.

“Tom Cruise just got dropped by Paramount for being too crazy, which in the movie business is really saying something,” said Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the Hollywood scene. “And Mel Gibson can’t get arrested, except on the Pacific Coast Highway.”

But in a press conference at Cape Canaveral today, the two actors denied that the state of their earthly careers had caused them to shift their attention moonward, with Mr. Gibson telling reporters, “The great thing about the moon is that it isn’t controlled by one specific group of people, if you know what I mean.”

When a reporter noted that the moon has no people at all, Mr. Cruise became argumentative: “Who told you that? Psychiatrists? Brooke Shields? That is such a load of crap!”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can buy collections of Borowitz’s investigative reports CLICKING HERE.

Posted by on Aug 24, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Saddam: I Killed JonBenet
Stunning Confession Rocks Former Dictator’s Trial

In the latest and possibly most bizarre twist in his trial for crimes against humanity, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein told a stunned courtroom in Baghdad today that he was responsible for the death of child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey.

Mr. Hussein, who is currently being tried for the deaths of thousands of Kurds, appeared to be listening to the prosecution’s evidence against him when he suddenly rose to his feet and, in an emotional outburst, said, “I did not kill all of those Kurds, but I did kill JonBenet.”

The judge in Mr. Hussein’s trial immediately called a recess and contacted American authorities about transferring the former Iraqi president to Boulder County to stand trial for the murder of Ms. Ramsey.

But in the hours after his stunning confession, questions began to cloud Mr. Hussein’s story, including how he could have gotten to Boulder to commit a murder at a time when he was still busy repressing millions of Shiites in Iraq.

In addition, a prison guard who has been watching over the incarcerated former dictator in recent days said that Mr. Hussein watched “with great interest” news reports about JonBenet suspect John Mark Karr’s first-class flight from Bangkok to the U.S., during which he was served fried prawns and champagne.

“Now that’s livin’,” Mr. Hussein reportedly remarked.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can buy collections of Borowitz’s investigative reports CLICKING HERE.

Posted by on Aug 23, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush Promotes Iran to Axis of Eviler
Calls Iranian President Ahmadinejad ‘Evilerdoer’

Furious at Iran’s decision to test-fire surface-to-surface missiles and push forward with its nuclear program, President George W. Bush today named Iran to a newly-formed “Axis of Eviler.”

The president said that he had invented the new Axis specifically for Iran because “evil does not describe just how evil these folks really are.”

Mr. Bush singled out Iranian Mahmud Ahmadinejad for special condemnation, calling the provocative head of state an “evildoer.”

The president said that at first he was not sure whether “eviler” or “evilerdoer” were actually words, “but then I checked with [Secretary of Defense] Don Rumsfeld who assured me that they were.”

While the promotion of Iran from the Axis of Evil to the Axis of Eviler drew no initial response from President Ahmadinejad, it sparked an angry reaction from North Korean President Kim Jong-Il, who said today, “North Korea will not sit idly by and allow another nation to be called eviler than it.”

President Kim said that he would double the number of missile tests it conducts and ramp up its uranium enrichment program in the hopes of being named to what he called the “Axis of Evilest.”

In Washington, reporters asked Mr. Bush if he had unintentionally ignited a competition between Iran and North Korea to see which nation could do eviler things.

Mr. Bush responded, “Mission accomplished.”

There’s a bit more so read the whole thing.

You can buy collections of Borowitz’s investigative reports CLICKING HERE.

Posted by on Aug 22, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

JonBenet Suspect ‘Lacks Credibility,’ Says O.J.

Urges Search For Real Killer
s

Former football great O.J. Simpson weighed in on the latest developments in the JonBenet Ramsey murder case today, holding a press conference to say that the prime suspect in the case, John Mark Karr, “lacks credibility.”



Mr. Simpson, who said that he has spent almost every waking moment of the past eleven years searching for the real killers of his wife Nicole, remarked that it was unusual for him to take time out from that tireless search to comment on another murder investigation.



“But I felt that I had to say something about this, because I strongly believe that the police got the wrong guy,” Mr. Simpson said. “And all I could think of was, man, déjà vu.”



The former Heisman Trophy winner said that after hearing Mr. Karr speaking at a news conference in Bangkok, “There were holes in his story you could drive a white Bronco through.”



Mr. Simpson urged Boulder Country District Attorney Mary Lacey not to “rush to judgment” and instead to focus on finding “the real killers” of JonBenet: “From all the evidence I’ve seen, I think Columbian drug lords could have been involved.”



The NFL legend said that while no one in Boulder had asked him to lend his investigative skills to the search for JonBenet’s real killers, it was unlikely he would be joining such an effort in any event.



“What with looking for my wife’s real killers and all, my plate is pretty full,” he said.

There’s a bit more so read the whole thing.





You can buy collections of Borowitz’s investigative reports CLICKING HERE.

Posted by on Aug 21, 2006 in At TMV | 2 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

JonBenet Suspect Says He Also Killed Amelia Earhart
Claims Aviator’s Death Was ‘Accident’

Just days after confessing to the 1996 murder of child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, itinerant schoolteacher John Mark Karr took full responsibility for the 1937 death of aviatrix Amelia Earhart.

Mr. Karr made the stunning announcement at a chaotic airport press conference upon his arrival in Los Angeles from Bangkok.

“I was with Amelia Earhart when she died,” Mr. Karr told reporters. “It was an accident. I loved Amelia Earhart.”

Mr. Karr refused to give out details about Ms. Earhart’s death, including where and how she died and how he came to be in the same location as the legendary aviation pioneer.

But according to Boulder County District Attorney Mary Lacey, “We had enough evidence linking John Mark Karr to the death of Amelia Earhart to bring him in.”

Some Amelia Earhart experts, however, expressed skepticism about Mr. Karr’s confession, including Professor Davis Logsdon at the University of Minnesota, who noted today that “there are problems with the timeline.”

“Amelia Earhart died in 1937, and John Mark Karr was not born until 1965,” Professor Logsdon said. “I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around that.”

Regardless of the skepticism, D.A. Mary Lacey said she was “confident” that she had her man.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can buy collections of Borowitz’s investigative reports CLICKING HERE.

Posted by on Aug 18, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Hillary Offers to Housesit for Bush
Would Water Plants, Read Presidential Briefings in Oval Office

Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) said today that she was “just trying to be helpful” when she offered to housesit for President Bush at the White House for the remainder of August.

Sen. Clinton, who was immediately criticized by congressional Republicans for advancing the proposal, said that her only intention was to “hold down the fort” while Mr. Bush took his traditional August vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas.

“I would water plants and take in the mail,” Sen. Clinton told reporters. “And if any Presidential Daily Briefings come across the desk with titles like ‘Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the U.S.,’ I would read those for him.”

Leading Republicans on Capitol Hill blasted Ms. Clinton’s offer, with Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn) claiming that the house-sitting proposal “reeked of opportunism.”

“She just wants to know what it’s like to be in the Oval Office,” Sen. Frist said. “After all, when her husband was in there, he always kept the door locked.”

At the President’s ranch in Crawford, White House spokesman Tony Snow said that Mr. Bush had politely declined Sen. Clinton’s proposal, “although the offer to read stuff for him was pretty attractive.”

Mr. Snow said that if Sen. Clinton really wanted to be helpful, she could come out to Crawford and do the chores that Mr. Bush finds too onerous.

“There are plenty of things the President doesn’t like to do at the ranch,” Mr. Snow said. “Like talk to Cindy Sheehan.”

There’s a bit more so read the whole thing.

You can buy collections of Borowitz’s investigative reports CLICKING HERE.

Posted by on Aug 17, 2006 in At TMV | 2 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

FAA Bans People From Flights
‘Zero Tolerance for People,’ Chertoff Says

In a move aimed at further tightening airport security, the Federal Aviation Administration announced today that it would ban all people from flights leaving or entering the United States, effective immediately.

The FAA, which has in the past banned such objects as toenail clippers and hair gel, took the extraordinary step of banning people after the Department of Homeland Security conducted a thorough investigation of previous terror plots.

“We looked at terror plots of the past, and in each and every case, people were involved,” said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff at a Washington press briefing. “These new rules send the strong message that the FAA has zero tolerance for people.”

Mr. Chertoff said that while banning liquids from flights was a constructive step, the only true solution was to ban people altogether.

“Let’s face it, hair gel doesn’t kill people,” he said. “People kill people.”

The Homeland Security Secretary acknowledged that the new rules would curtail Americans’ ability to travel, but added, “On the plus side, that will make them easier for us to spy on.”

The FAA’s ban on people onboard flights raised questions for the nation’s airlines, which must now ponder what, if anything, their airplanes will be carrying.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can buy collections of Borowitz’s investigative reports CLICKING HERE.

Posted by on Aug 16, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

U.N. To Send Peacekeepers; Hezbollah To Send Warkeepers

‘Roadmap to Chaos’ Still Intact, Says Hezbollah Leader



Just hours after the United Nations pledged to send peacekeepers to Lebanon, the terror group Hezbollah pledged to send warkeepers to the same war-torn nation.



At a press conference in Tehran, Hezbollah leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah said that warkeepers were needed because the U.N.-imposed ceasefire threatened to put an end to the fighting in Lebanon, adding, “And if that happens, we’re out of business.”



Mr. Nasrallah said that, contrary to news reports showing Lebanon embroiled in conflict, “The war there is actually very fragile and peace could break out at any moment.”



He called upon other nations, such as Iran and Syria, to join Hezbollah in an international warkeeping effort.



“Hezbollah is committed to the warkeeping effort, but we cannot go it alone,” he said. “What is needed is an international force of warkeepers who are committed to blowing lots of things up.”



Mr. Nasrallah said that nations in the region should stop focusing on the peace process and should concentrate on the war process instead.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Aug 15, 2006 in At TMV | 2 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Mel Gibson Protests FAA’s Ban on Liquids
Actor Enlists Support of Billy Joel, Liza Minnelli

Days after the Federal Aviation Administration issued a ban on passengers bringing liquids on board flights in their carryon luggage, actor Mel Gibson came forward to vehemently protest the FAA’s new restrictions.

At a press conference in Malibu today, the “Braveheart” star said today that banning liquids on board planes was an example of “persecution at its worst.”

“There are many examples of people for whom liquids are an important, life-sustaining part of their daily routine,” Mr. Gibson said. “To keep them from bring those liquids on flights is tantamount to cruel and unusual punishment.”

The actor added, “I’m all for profiling, but this is discrimination against all Americans who really need liquids.”

The actor said he had enlisted many other prominent members of the entertainment industry to join in his protest of the FAA’s liquid ban, including the singers Billy Joel and Liza Minnelli.

“There is no way that Billy, Liza and I are getting on board a plane without our liquids,” he said. “That just isn’t going to happen.”

Mr. Gibson took his argument one step further, saying that when he learned about the FAA’s ban he felt that it was “yet another conspiracy to single me out personally.”

When asked who he thought was behind the conspiracy, Mr. Gibson was not specific, but added, “Let’s just put it this way — they’re banning liquids on flights, but they haven’t touched the kosher meals.”

There’s still a bit more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Aug 12, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

THIS JUST IN!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Blair Tells Bush They Should Start Seeing Other People
British Prime Minister Signals End to Exclusive Relationship

British Prime Minister Tony Blair stunned diplomatic circles today by telling President George W. Bush that the time had come for the two men to start “seeing other people.”

The announcement came as a shock to many observers of the international scene because the British prime minister and the U.S. president had been virtually inseparable since Mr. Bush took power in 2001.

But in telling the president that he wanted to see other people, Mr. Blair seemed to be leaving little doubt that the exclusive relationship between the two men was, for all intents and purposes, over.

“I was absolutely blindsided by the news,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin. “I saw them together at the G-8 summit, and they seemed so happy — I had no idea they were having problems.”

Australian Prime Minister John Howard, however, seemed less surprised by the news: “Everyone knows how hard it is to keep a long-distance relationship going.”

It was, perhaps, at the G-8 summit that the cracks in the Blair-Bush relationship first began to show, as the U.S. president was seen massaging the shoulders of German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Hours later, perhaps in retaliation, Mr. Blair was seen caressing the inner thigh of French President Jacques Chirac.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Aug 11, 2006 in At TMV | 2 comments

This Just In!

From investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush Seeks Exit Strategy at Mapquest
Vows to Find Most Direct Route from Iraq to U.S.

Hoping to reassure voters before the midterm elections that he is actively looking for a way to bring U.S. troops home from Iraq, President George W. Bush said today that he has been looking for an exit strategy at the popular Internet site, Mapquest.com.

By announcing that he was relying on Mapquest to navigate the United States’ exit from an apparent quagmire in Iraq, the president was running the risk of making his Administration appear as if it had run out of ideas of its own.

But in a White House press briefing this morning, Mr. Bush defended his use of what he called “the Internets,” adding that he was also hoping to find an international peacekeeping force for Lebanon at Craig’s List.

The president said that he began his search at Mapquest by typing in “Iraq” as the starting location and “United States of America” as the ending location.

He acknowledged that the process of finding an exit strategy at the Mapquest site was complicated by the fact that many of the streets that Mapquest displays for Iraq have not existed since the U.S. began bombing the country in 2003.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Aug 8, 2006 in At TMV | 2 comments

This Just In!

This Just In from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Recent Heat Wave Turned Al Gore Into Real Pain in the Ass, Friends Say
Former Veep Became Insufferable ‘I-Told-You-So’

The recent heat wave that swept the nation transformed former Vice President Al Gore into a “real pain in the ass” who never missed an opportunity to say that he had predicted that global warming would create uncomfortably high temperatures, friends of Mr. Gore complained today.

Travis Spivack, a life-long friend of the former vice president who has been sharing a beach house this summer with Mr. Gore and his family, said that the recent spike in temperatures turned the 2000 Democratic presidential nominee into “an insufferable I-told-you-so.'”

“Even on his best days, Al is not a barrel of laughs,” Mr. Spivack told reporters today. “But when he believes that his predictions about global warming have come true, he can be an unbelievable pain in the ass.”

Mr. Spivack gives the former vice president credit for being one of the first to point out the dangers of global warming, but added, “The way he was acting during the heat wave, you’d think he was Nostra-effing-damus.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Aug 7, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush Urges Bin Laden to Take August Off
Warns Terror Leader of Burnout

Having begun his month-long summer vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President George W. Bush used his weekly radio address on Saturday to urge Osama bin Laden to take the month of August off as well.

President Bush said he was taking the “extreme step” of “slipping out of vacation mode for a few seconds” to address the al-Qaeda leader directly.

“I strongly recommend that you take August off, because if you don’t, you are greatly increasing your chances of burnout,” Mr. Bush told the al-Qaeda madman. “Even an evildoer like yourself cannot evildo twelve months out of the year.”

The president added that if Mr. bin Laden takes his advice, “In September, you will emerge from your vacation feeling rested, refreshed, and eviler than ever.”

The president’s extraordinary message to the world’s most wanted man may have come in part as a reaction to a Presidential Daily Brief (PDB) received last week entitled “Bin Laden Determined Not to Take a Summer Vacation.”

“The president was concerned that Osama bin Laden apparently is planning to work straight through the summer,” White House spokesman Tony Snow said today. “Also, he was very annoyed that he had to take time out of his vacation to read that two-page PDB.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Aug 4, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush Awards Gibson Presidential Medal of Freedom
President: ‘Thanks for Taking the Heat off Me This Week’

In a stunning moment of redemption for the embattled actor Mel Gibson, President George W. Bush today awarded him the Presidential Medal of Freedom, telling the star, “Thanks for taking the heat off me this week.”

Mr. Bush, who has been spent the summer floundering amid crises in North Korea, Iran, Iraq, and Lebanon, said that Mr. Gibson’s DUI arrest and subsequent anti-Semitic tirade had distracted the media and the American people for a solid week, “And for that I am eternally grateful.”

“You have taken people’s attention from the mess I have made of things,” Mr. Bush said. “And that’s something that even talking about phony issues like gay marriage and immigration could not do.”

Mr. Bush said that the Gibson scandal had given him the “first real vacation I have had all summer.”

Mr. Gibson accepted the coveted medal graciously, telling the President, “The only thing I value more than this medal is my deep and abiding love for every Jew in the world.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can read and acquire Andy Borowitz’s special investigative reports by CLICKING HERE.

Posted by on Aug 3, 2006 in At TMV | 5 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Gibson Converts to Judaism
Changes Name to Mel Gibstein

In his boldest bid yet to apologize to the Jewish community, actor Mel Gibson today announced that he had converted to Judaism.

The news took many Jews aback, since conversion to Judaism is a demanding process that can take months or even years of study, and Mr. Gibson accomplished the feat in a record time of forty-five minutes.

But a spokesman for the “Lethal Weapon” star explained how Mr. Gibson pulled off his lightning-fast conversion: “This is Hollywood — a lot of things can be done by special effects.”

Moments after his conversion to Judaism, Mr. Gibson paid a visit to the registrar’s office in Los Angeles County and had his name legally changed to “Mel Gibstein” in a show of commitment to his new chosen faith.

Then it was off to Malibu, where the 50-year old actor was bar mitzvahed on the beach in a small, private ceremony.

“Today, I am a man,” Mr. Gibstein said before a gathering of friends and well-wishers from the local watering hole Moonshadows. “A Jew man!”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can read and acquire Andy Borowitz’s special investigative reports by CLICKING HERE.

Posted by on Aug 2, 2006 in At TMV | 4 comments

This Just In!

From investigative reporter Andy Borowitz (we don’t usually run two of his breaking-news reports in one day but we had to get this on the site fast!):

Bin Laden Offers Mel Gibson Anger Management Lessons

Calls Actor’s Drunken Rant ‘A Cry for Help’




In an extraordinary appearance on the Arabic-language al-Jazeera network today, terror mastermind Osama bin Laden reached out to Mel Gibson and offered the Hollywood actor lessons in anger management.



Millions of viewers tuned in expecting to see the al-Qaeda leader in one of his trademark terror videos, only to find the world’s most wanted man appearing in an advice video instead.



Mr. bin Laden said that while he did not know Mr. Gibson personally, he decided to offer his help after hearing about Mr. Gibson’s anti-Semitic rant to an LAPD officer, which the al-Qaeda kingpin called “a cry for help.”



“Listen, I’m all for blaming things on the Jews, but this guy went too far,” said Mr. bin Laden.



The al-Qaeda leader said that the next time Mr. Gibson feels the urge to spew hateful rhetoric, “count to ten first.”



“There’s a time and a place for everything,” Mr. bin Laden said. “And the time to launch into an anti-Semitic tirade is when you’re speaking on al-Jazeera from the comfort and safety of your cave — not when you’re stopped by the cops.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.



You can read and acquire Andy Borowitz’s special investigative reports by CLICKING HERE.

Posted by on Aug 2, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

STARBUCKS TO OCCUPY LEBANON
Only International Force Willing to Go, Says Condi

Frustrated in her attempts to assemble an international peacekeeping force to serve as a buffer between Israel and Lebanon, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said today that she has received a firm commitment from the coffee chain Starbucks to serve as peacekeepers in the war-torn border region.

Many diplomatic observers were surprised that Dr. Rice would entrust the delicate task of peacekeeping to Starbucks, a company that has shown leadership in the coffee field but is relatively untested in the treacherous waters of Middle Eastern conflict.

But with such foreign powers as France, Russia and Germany unwilling to send forces to such an explosive hotspot, Starbucks became the only option for the U.S.’s Secretary of State.

“We believe that Starbucks will bring peace, and failing that, lattes, to the fledgling democratic state of Lebanon,” Dr. Rice said at a press briefing this morning.

According to the plan hammered out with the U.S., Starbucks will create a buffer zone between the two warring nations by building a Starbucks franchise every two blocks along the Israel-Lebanon border.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can read and acquire Andy Borowitz’s special investigative reports by CLICKING HERE.

Posted by on Aug 1, 2006 in At TMV | 4 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

AXIS OF EVIL FLOODED WITH MEMBERSHIP APPLICATIONS
Kim Jong-Il ‘Very Picky’ About Filling Open Third Slot

The Axis of Evil, which originally consisted of Iran, Iraq and North Korea, has been flooded with membership applications of late as evildoers around the world vie to fill the slot vacated by Iraq.

That is according to North Korean President Kim Jong-Il, who since 2002 has served as Chairman of the Axis of Evil while also holding down the post of Chairman of the Axis of Evil’s membership committee.

At a press conference in Pyongyang today, President Kim said that the bewildering number of applications received at the Axis of Evil offices each day is “proof that evildoing is alive and well.”

“No question about it, evildoing is a growth industry,” Mr. Kim told reporters. “It’s the only thing in the world these days that’s keeping pace with obesity.”

Mr. Kim said that in addition to the terror group al-Qaeda, which submits Axis of Evil applications on a weekly basis, the A.O.E. has also received applications from Hamas, Hezbollah, Syria, and Hugo Chavez of Venezuela.

“This is going to be a very, very tough call,” Mr. Kim told reporters. “All of these folks probably deserve to be in, but there’s only one slot.”

The North Korean madman said that he had hoped to make a decision by the end of the week, but that is probably unrealistic: “Mel Gibson just sent in an application and that’s going to need some serious consideration.”

There’s a bit more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Jul 28, 2006 in At TMV | 2 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

FIGHTING BREAKS OUT BETWEEN CNN AND FOX

Anderson Cooper, Geraldo in Border Skirmish




Fears of a wider war in the Middle East were realized today as fighting broke out between CNN and Fox in southern Lebanon.



In the two weeks since the Mideast conflict began, camera crews and on-air personalities from the two cable news giants had been staring each other down, jealously guarding their territory in the fight to beam the most dramatic footage back home.



Diplomatic experts have worried, however, that the massive presence of both CNN and Fox in southern Lebanon was a powder keg waiting to explode — worries that seemed particularly justified today.



While setting up a shot with his camera crew this morning, the Fox News Channel’s Geraldo Rivera saw that another newscaster was clearly visible in the background of his shot: CNN’s Anderson Cooper.



In a fury, Mr. Rivera dropped his microphone and ran over to Mr. Cooper, assaulting him with a barrage of verbal taunts.



“Get out of my shot, Hurricane Boy!” the unhinged Mr. Rivera reportedly shrieked, engaging Mr. Cooper in a fierce bout of slap-fighting.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Jul 23, 2006 in At TMV | 5 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative report Andy Borowitz:

BUSH NAMES SYRIA, IRAN TO ‘AXIS OF ASSHOLES’
President’s Obscenity-Laden Keynote Address Rocks G-8 Summit

Days after using an expletive in discussing the Middle East conflict with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, President George W. Bush’s potty mouth was at it again, this time in a 45-minute obscenity-laden keynote address to the G-8 summit.

It was a startling performance for the President, who used the raunchy, paint-peeling address to name Iran and Syria to what he called “The Axis of Assholes.”

Mr. Bush said that the role played by the two nations in the ongoing conflict with Israel was evidence of “a larger pattern of asshole behavior.”

Calling on all of the G-8 leaders to take part in what he termed “the war on assholes,” the President closed with a stirring exhortation: “Are you with us, or are you with the assholes?”

Many of the G-8 leaders in attendance seemed taken aback by the President’s remarks, which seemed at times more appropriate for an appearance on Howard Stern’s radio program than for a diplomatic summit.

“This was not the sort of language one expects from the President of the United States,” said Russian president Vladimir Putin. “This is more what you’d expect from Dick Cheney.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Jul 21, 2006 in At TMV | 2 comments

This Just In!

This just in from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

SURPRISE SUMMER TV HIT: ‘NORTH KOREA’S GOT TALENT’
Kim Jong-Il’s First-Ever Reality Show Heats Up the Nielsens

Just weeks after taunting his neighbors and the West with a provocative missile test, North Korean president Kim Jong-Il has launched his first-ever reality show, a surprise summer hit called “North Korea’s Got Talent.”

Hosted by the diminutive dictator himself, the televised talent showcase has been heating up the Nielsens ever since it debuted, with approximately 100% of all North Korean TV viewers watching it.

“It helps that the marketing campaign has been so strong,” says Davis Logsdon, who studies North Korean television trends at the University of Minnesota. “Also that Kim Jong-Il has forced all North Koreans to watch it under penalty of death.”

The North Korean talent show ignores such talents as singing, dancing and juggling in favor of talents that the North Korean dictator favors, such as reprocessing spent nuclear fuel rods.

Other talents showcased include goose-stepping, saber-rattling, and kidnapping innocent Japanese citizens.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Jul 15, 2006 in At TMV | 2 comments

This Just In!

This just in from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

MAN IN COMA FOR NINETEEN YEARS ASKS TO GO BACK TO SLEEP

Bush Administration, Paris Hilton Top Coma Man’s Concerns




In what members of the medical community are calling an unprecedented development, a man who recently awoke from a nineteen-year coma has asked doctors to put him back to sleep.



At a press conference in Jacksonville, Florida today, the man, Jason Deloit, 43, told reporters that at first he was excited to be conscious again, “But then I turned on the TV.”



Mr. Deloit said that the first images he saw on television were those of President George W. Bush giving a press conference.



“I was happy at first, because I thought, well good, ‘Saturday Night Live’ is still on and that’s my favorite show,” he said. “Then I realized that it was actually the real president at the White House and I became very depressed.”



After hearing the President field questions about Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo, Mr. Deloit “couldn’t take it anymore.”



Seeking escapism, Mr. Deloit changed the channel and saw hotel heiress Paris Hilton starring in the latest installment of her hit television show “The Simple Life.”



“That was really the straw that broke the camel’s back,” he said. “I don’t want to live in a country that exploits a mentally impaired person like that.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Jul 12, 2006 in At TMV | 3 comments

This Just In!

From investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

BUSH THE VICTIM OF IDENTITY THEFT



Credit Card Numbers Traced to Secure, Undisclosed Location, President Says




At a press briefing at the White House today, President George W. Bush revealed that he had been the victim of identity theft for the past five years and that his Social Security and credit card numbers had been traced to a secure, undisclosed location.



“I am here to say to all Americans that if it can happen to me, it can happen to you,” Mr. Bush said, adding that whoever stole his identity had been using it “day in, day out” for his entire tenure in the White House.



The president said he first learned that he had been the victim of identity theft over the 4th of July holiday, when he attempted to use his MasterCard at a bike store and it was declined “because someone in another state was using it to buy quail-hunting rifles.”



After the president told MasterCard that those charges were not his, the credit card representative ran down a list of other recent charges, including a $14.3 billion construction contract with the Halliburton Company.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Jul 10, 2006 in At TMV | 8 comments

This Just In!!

From investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

PAT ROBERTSON SENT TO NORTH KOREA FOR MADMAN-TO-MADMAN TALKS
Televangelist Selected From Shortlist of Bananaheads

The Reverend Pat Robertson left today for North Korea to engage in what the State Department called a series of high-level “madman-to-madman� talks with North Korean president Kim Jong-Il.

The United States, frustrated that six-party nuclear talks with North Korea did not prevent President Kim from firing test missiles last week, are cautiously optimistic that one-on-one talks between the two lunatics will help break the logjam.

“We needed to find someone who speaks Kim Jong-Il’s language,â€? Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told reporters today. “And by that I do not mean Korean — I mean crazy-talk.â€?

After the United States determined that madman-to-madman talks were their best chance for success, the State Department compiled a shortlist of bananaheads, including the Rev. Robertson, former presidential candidate Ralph Nader, and former Partridge Family drummer Danny Bonaduce.

“That was a very, very competitive field, but we are confident that in Pat Robertson we have found a whackjob on the same level as Kim Jong-Il,� Dr. Rice said.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Jul 5, 2006 in At TMV | 3 comments

This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

BUSH DECLARES INDEPENDENCE FROM CONSTITUTION
Blasts Historic Document in Fourth of July Address

In a nationally televised Fourth of July address, President George W. Bush stunned the nation by announcing that he was declaring himself independent from the United States Constitution.

“Just as our forefathers threw off the horrible yoke of British rule on July 4, 1976, today I am throwing off the yoke of this truly annoying document,� Mr. Bush said.

Mr. Bush said that the original copy of the Constitution would be auctioned on eBay and that proceeds from that sale would help pay for a “long overdue� cut in the estate tax.

According to the president’s aides, ever since the Supreme Court decided last week that the use of military tribunals in Guantanamo was unconstitutional Mr. Bush had been looking for a way around that decision, even contemplating sending the Justices themselves to Guanatanamo.

Ultimately, one aide said, the president decided that a declaration of independence from the Constitution was the most workable solution: “The fact is, whenever we’re trying to get something done around here, that stupid Constitution gets in the way.�

Mr. Bush acknowledged that some legal scholars would call his declaration of independence from the Constitution unconstitutional, but added, “To those people I say, no backsies.�

There’s more — so read the whole thing.

Posted by on Jun 10, 2006 in At TMV | 3 comments

THIS JUST IN!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

ANN COULTER CHALLENGES PRESIDENT OF IRAN TO INSANE COMMENT CONTEST
Conservative Pundit, Iranian Madman to Face Off on Live TV

Conservative pundit Ann Coulter today challenged Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to what she called “an insane comment contest� on live TV to determine who is the insane comment champion of the world.

Appearing on Fox News this morning, the sharp-tongued darling of the right wing said that while she respects Mr. Ahmadinejad’s work, she believes he will be “no match� for her arsenal of crazy, unhinged remarks.

“I’ve heard Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s nutty rants in the past, and while I think he comes off like a total bananahead, in a one-on-one with me he will be the picture of sanity,� Ms. Coulter said.

In Iran, President Ahmadinejad accepted Ms. Coulter’s challenge and said that while he was “confident of victory� he recognized that besting her in an insane comment contest “would not be easy.�

“In any competition involving verbal lunacy, Ann Coulter is the favorite going in,� Mr. Ahmadinejad. “I will need to train for this for months.�

There’s more so read the whole thing.

Posted by on May 17, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

THIS JUST IN!

From investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

BUSH ORDERS NATIONAL GUARD TO PROTECT APPROVAL RATING
10,000 Troops to Prevent Supporters From Leaving Country

In a nationally televised address last night, President George W. Bush announced that he would order 10,000 National Guard troops to protect his sagging approval rating.

The use of the National Guard to safeguard the president’s political fortunes struck many Beltway observers as highly unorthodox, and Mr. Bush’s decision to do so seemed likely to draw fire from congressional Democrats.

But with his approval rating hovering at 29%, the president said he had “no choice� but to use the National Guard to prevent that number from sinking any lower.

Speaking from the White House with his now-familiar tone of steely resolve, Mr. Bush said that he would send 10,000 troops to the Mexican border to prevent any of his supporters from leaving the country.

“Many of my supporters have amazing second homes south of the border,� Mr. Bush said. “By taking this action, I am sending the clear message that they are not to leave the country until the midterm elections are over.�

Read the whole thing.

(To the humor impaired, Borowitz is actually a great satirist and you can buy his books HERE.)

Posted by on Apr 27, 2006 in At TMV | 1 comment

This Just In!

From investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

RETIRED OIL EXECUTIVES VOICE SUPPORT FOR RUMSFELD

Chauffeur-driven March on Washington Draws Hundreds

Responding to the chorus of retired generals who have recently called for his ouster, hundreds of retired oil company executives marched on Washington today to show their support for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

The former executives, members of the Retired Petroleum Titans of America, massed on the nation’s capital in what was believed to be the largest chauffeur-driven protest march in American history.

With their chauffeurs holding protest signs reading “Support Our Crude,� the former oil bigwigs demonstrated their support for the man they believe to be the greatest defense secretary ever.

Champ Greeley, chairman of the retired oil executives group, said that his fellow petroleum eminences took time out from their annual golf outing in the Virgin Islands to show their support for the embattled Mr. Rumsfeld.

“I know that the retired generals aren’t happy with the job Secretary Rumsfeld is doing, but there are two sides to every story,� Mr. Greeley said. “As far as we retired oil executives are concerned, things just couldn’t be going any better.�

Read the rest yourself.

(To spare us the emails: Andy Borowitz is a great satirist and you can buy his books here.)

Copyright 2006 Andy Borowitz

Posted by on Apr 3, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!

This just in from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

CONDI SAYS NUMBER OF U.S. MISTAKES CLOSER TO A BILLION
Forgot All The Mistakes Rumsfeld Made, Rice Says

After stating last week that the U.S. had made thousands of tactical errors in the war in Iraq, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice restated that number upward today, telling reporters that the actual figure was “probably closer to a billion.�

Dr. Rice apologized for initially low-balling the number of U.S. mistakes, explaining, “Quite frankly, I forgot about a lot of the mistakes that Rumsfeld made.�

While acknowledging that pegging the number of mistakes in the thousands was an error, she added, “Quite frankly, when the U.S. has made a billion mistakes, what’s one more?�

The State Department today issued an official list of the billion mistakes made thus far in Iraq, but Dr. Rice warned that the list was far from complete: “We are currently making between four and five thousand mistakes a day, so this list is very much a work in progress.�

Read the rest. And read his books.

Posted by on Mar 26, 2006 in At TMV | 0 comments

This Just In!

This just in from investigative reporter Scott Ott:

U.S. Needs ‘Guest Worker’ to Answer Helen Thomas
by Scott Ott

(2006-03-24) — President George Bush today defended his controversial guest worker immigration proposal contending that without the policy, the United States will soon have no way of accomplishing many unpleasant tasks such as harvesting vegetables, cleaning rooms, mowing yards, installing roofing and answering questions from veteran reporter Helen Thomas.

“There are some things that Americans, perhaps justifiably, feel they shouldn’t have to do,� said Mr. Bush. “We’ve relied on immigrants to do the grunt work for years, and the way things are going at White House news conferences, we could use one of them guest workers to deal with Helen.�

Read the rest.

Posted by on Feb 15, 2005 in At TMV | 0 comments

THIS JUST IN!

From investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:



CONDI OFFERS TO GIVE FRANCE MICHAEL MOORE





Gift of Filmmaker Seen as Olive Branch




In a major foreign policy speech in Paris today, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice extended an olive branch to the French by offering to give them the filmmaker Michael Moore.



“We hope you will put aside past differences to work for peace and stability in the Middle East,” Dr. Rice told her audience at the Institute of Political Studies. “And in exchange, we will give you Michael Moore.”



In addition to the handover of Michael Moore, Dr. Rice offered to change the name of “Freedom Fries” back to “French fries” and to order Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to start calling Old Europe “Good Old Europe.”



While Dr. Rice’s offer to transfer sovereignty over Mr. Moore appeared to be unprecedented, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said today that “there is nothing in the United States constitution that explicitly prohibits” the White House from giving the controversial film director to France.



But Dr. Rice’s overtures may not have gone far enough for French President Jacques Chirac, who reportedly is open to the idea of obtaining Michael Moore but is holding out for Jerry Lewis.



At the State Department, diplomats were reportedly working around the clock on a deal that would transfer both Mr. Moore and Mr. Lewis to France, but according to one insider, “If Chirac expects us to throw in Mickey Rourke, that’s a deal-breaker.”



Elsewhere, the British scientist who cloned Dolly the sheep was given permission to clone humans, but only after he promised not to clone Britney Spears, Ben Affleck, or any of the contestants from “American Idol.”



(If you haven’t guessed, Borowitz is a satirst, one of the best in the business. He has this great website and you can buy his books on Amazon.)


Posted by on Jan 12, 2005 in At TMV | 0 comments

THIS JUST IN!

We just got this from reporter Andy Borowitz’s website and it’s breaking news:

BUSH ACCUSES SADDAM OF TELLING TRUTH

Evildoer Knowingly Came Clean on WMD’s, President Charges

Just hours after confirming that the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq was over, President George W. Bush leveled his harshest charge ever at Saddam Hussein, accusing the former Iraqi dictator of “knowingly telling the truth� about not possessing WMD in the months leading up to the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq.

“After years of lying about his weapons, Saddam Hussein willfully decided to tell the truth about them,� Mr. Bush said. “His treachery knows no bounds.�

After Mr. Bush excoriated Saddam for his “wanton truth-telling,� he added that “thanks to the work of our coalition, Mr. Saddam Hussein will never be free to tell the truth again.�

Mr. Bush argued that even though the stated reason for invading Iraq no longer applied, preventing the former Iraqi strongman from telling the truth in the future was “reason enough� to go to war.

“In the wrong hands, the truth can destabilize regions and even destroy entire civilizations,� Mr. Bush said. “In that respect, the truth itself is a weapon of mass destruction – one that Mr. Saddam Hussein will never be able to use again.�

The president concluded his remarks with tough words for North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il, whom Mr. Bush accused of telling the truth about his own weapons program.

Naming Mr. Kim a member of what he called “The Axis of Veracity,� Mr. Bush urged the North Korean madman to cease and desist telling the truth and to “join the community of truth-fearing nations.�

Elsewhere, organizers of this weekend’s tsunami telethon confirmed that Fox’s Bill O’Reilly would participate but would not be allowed anywhere near the telephones.

Copyright 2005 Andy Borowitz

(NOTE: To those who don’t get it — and some inevitably won’t — Borowitz is an incredibly great satirist. We urge you to click on the link above and explore his site. We have some of his books..which are superb).

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