September 22, 2016
Note to readers: This is the latest entry in Baby DonDon’s campaign diary. The series imagines that “Mr.” Donald Trump has the emotional make-up of a five-year-old and confides his deepest thoughts—such as they are—to Andrew Feinberg, and to readers, every day. In his private moments, he always thinks of himself as Baby DonDon.
Oh, Baby DonDon’s head is spinning. Following the good news of the terror attacks, we’ve got terrible news from the Bridgegate trial in Newark, NJ. Both the prosecution and the defense said Chris Christie knew about the George Washington Bridge lane closures.
Chris, you will recall, has gone from being my friend to my bitch to my hostage to head of my freakin’ transition team. He’s going to help pick the Secretary of Transportation, God help us all. I don’t know, maybe we can abolish that department.
You might also remember that during the primaries I said Chris knew about the lane closures. “He knew,” I said. “He knew.”
But I was campaigning against him then and I would have said anything. Did I believe what I said?
You’re asking ME? Who knows? I don’t know. The art of the spew is that you just keep riffing until weird, nasty stuff comes out. All my statements are transactional, negotiable and totally reversible.
Yes, yes, I thought seriously of naming Chris as my veep. Sounds stupid, I know, but you’ve got to understand, I’ve gained a lot of weight campaigning and I thought having Chris as my running mate would help me look thin. Hey, Chris would make Dumbo look thin. (No offense meant, Chris.)
And then there’s this awful photo of Chris and his aide David Wildstein laughing at the 12th annual 9/11 memorial service, which is not exactly a Friars roast. The prosecutors say they are laughing about the lane closures and the desperate attempts by the mayor of Fort Lee to get the lanes reopened. Bad optics. Really, really bad optics.
Now this is so awkward. No, no, no! What if Chris gets indicted? (Heck, what if I get indicted for my foundation crimes? More on that tomorrow.)
This could hurt my brand. I always say I will hire the best people, and now the head of my transition team has one foot in the slammer. This is not good for Baby DonDon. But if I fire Chris, he might spread vicious lies about me, some of which would be true, so that could be even worse.
I guess the only solution is to make him a permanent part of a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike or a shuttered casino in Atlantic City. Hey, thank goodness it’s New Jersey. There are lots of contractors to call.
Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven (https://www.amazon.com/Four-Score-Seven-Andrew-Feinberg/dp/0692664009), a novel that imagines that Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. He also writes a daily anti-Trump humor page at https://www.facebook.com/MeBabyDonDon.