The Adventures Of Selig Cartwright, Goldman Sachs Washroom Attendant (Episode I: Two Guys Share)
Morning Mr. B. What can I do you for today? Shoe shine? Trim? Towel after a sit down? Got some new Esquires in yesterday. The latest Economist is on the rack in stall 8.
No, Selig. Thanks, though. Just came in to brush my hair. Get away from it all for a few minutes.
Heavy is the head, sir. Heavy is the head.
You can say that again, Selig, Would you believe it? Those Congress witch hunters actually wanted me to come down to Washington again tomorrow to testify.
Not tomorrow, sir! I heard it was going to rain.
It is. So I won’t be going. Even the Star Chamber crowd in D.C. doesn’t expect me to show up when the weather is bad. Not yet anyway. No telling what comes next, though. Ever since their health care fandango fell apart they’re looking for someone, anyone, they can persecute. Your own people fled Bolshevism, didn’t they, Selig?
Yes, sir. Came here from England years ago. Got out just before they raised taxes to pay for their own lefty health care system.
Thank God you made it, Selig. Thank God. Ever hear from the ones you left behind?
Got a letter just the other day, sir. Mail still gets through somehow. My cousin. Terrible case, sir. Terrible. She’s been waiting on a tushy tuck for eight months. Eight months! And that’s the kind of thing they want to implement here.
Not yet. Selig. No yet. But I’m afraid there’s other news that isn’t so good. I heard something this morning you’re not going to like. It’s why I really came in.
I thought it was to read the new Economist. I put it in stall 8.
Maybe later, Selig. This news involves our bonuses.
Please tell me they aren’t going to reduce those, sir. Please…
I’m afraid they are, Selig.
Don’t they understand? Don’t those crazies in Washington understand? When they swing wildly to punish people like you, Mr. B., they’re actually hurting wash room attendants like me.
No, Selig, they don’t understand. And they never will. You’ll be alright though, won’t you? Living on just a salary without a bonus? I’ve heard some Americans still manage to do that.
I can manage, sir. I have a bit put aside.
Good man. Perhaps I can even help protect that nest egg or yours. We have a special this week on double lock hamster warrants, or if you’d prefer something in the way of debt, I can fix you up with an underwater convertible that has it own multi-tiered reset features. Something else you might consider is an arbitrage play with the Romanian lei. You’d be betting the upside.
Arbitrage with the Romanian currency? On the up side, sir? Is it safe?
Can’t miss. Full disclosure here, though. We’re playing the down side with our own money. Does that bother you?
Why would it bother me?
Good man. Maybe I will take that shoe shine and trim now. And if you could get the new Economist out of the stall for me…
(To be continued…)