You just KNEW THIS DAY was coming, didn’t you?
It has arrived:
In a development that would make the Grinch smile, Santa Claus is said to be in danger of disappearing from British homes, stores and streets — a victim of the fear surrounding child sex abuse.
According to the Manifesto Club, a free-speech group, stringent British child protection laws are threatening to ruin the traditional Christmas custom.
In recent years, the British press has focused increasing attention on the threat sex offenders pose to young children. Because of pedophile scandals, the group said in a new report, most adults playing at Santa in schools, churches and stores are now required to undergo costly criminal background checks before donning the red suit.
Concern about lawsuits has prompted many department stores to ban children from sitting on Santa’s knee, touching him or visiting him in the traditional grotto (Santa’s workshop).
Why, we never thought of it that way. And to think, yours truly is a baby boomer and this never entered our minds or the minds of parents of kids we grew up with. Even if you didn’t celebrate Christmas, Santa was a joyous symbol.
But perhaps it is time to change our thinking. Perhaps someone will soon suggest:
- that Santa’s “ho, ho, ho” really means he has more than reindeer working for him.
- that his red suit means he’s a Marxist.
- that his red suit means he’s from a Republican state.
- that his beard and hair pose a health risk to kids because he could have lice.
- that burglaries committed around Christmas time could be tied to the fact that a fat man is entering into houses through chimneys while household members are sleeping.
- that the U.S. is in grave danger because he is apparently flying without FAA approval and in possibly-sensitive areas.
- that he could be violating the Constitution because he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake and he knows if you’ve been bad or good.
- that he could be a risk because there’s a rumor his middle name is “Hussein” or, perhaps even worse, Irving.
What next? Will Perverted Justice and NBC‘s Chris Hanson of Dateline’s “To Catch A Predator” try entrap Santa on a TV show? Will the cops tackle him as he leaves — and will the elves come to his defense?
PS: Should eggnog be banned because it causes obesity?
UPDATE: NEWS BULLETIN! Santa is now also seen as a real fire hazard in Sweden.
Joe Gandelman is a former fulltime journalist who freelanced in India, Spain, Bangladesh and Cypress writing for publications such as the Christian Science Monitor and Newsweek. He also did radio reports from Madrid for NPR’s All Things Considered. He has worked on two U.S. newspapers and quit the news biz in 1990 to go into entertainment. He also has written for The Week and several online publications, did a column for Cagle Cartoons Syndicate and has appeared on CNN.