Mr. B. You’re early today. And you look determined.
You got that right, Selig. Determined not to be pushed around by the S.E.C. over that fraud business. Who do these people think they are anyway?
You do have to wonder about regulators who start regulating. A bad precedent, Mr. B. Very bad.
Who knows where this kind of thing might lead, Selig? Thank heavens we have attorneys who know how to put these bureaucratic monkeys in their place.
About those attorneys, sir. I have something for you. A check.
Hmm. Not much of a check, Selig. What’s it for? Payment for items fraudulently taken home by the cleaning staff?
No, sir. The washroom gang just heard about how other Goldman employees are rallying around the company, and we wanted to kick in our own share. Toward the legal fees.
Selig. I’m touched. Truly. Most people who think of Goldman Sachs these days only think about traders who make huge bonuses from big bets with losses refunded at the Fed’s discount window. They don’t think about little folks like yourself who cater to our traders’ personal hygiene needs.
They also serve, sir, those who only…
Yes, yes. No need to get into details about your work here in the washroom. Tell you what I’ll do with this check, Selig. To show my appreciation. We don’t need your very modest contribution to attorney fees immediately. Until we do, I’ll use this money to buy into one of our deals — one usually open only to very rich individuals and institutions. A piece of one of our CDOs.
Those are collateral debt obligations, aren’t they, sir? Real estate pools?
Good man, Selig. Been reading the Wall Street Journal between my visits here, I see. Well, why not. This particular CDO opportunity, though, is even better than most. It’s a synthetic.
Like nylon?
Not quite, Selig. The deal doesn’t exactly involve owning a share of real estate. Truth is it owns nothing. It’s just a bet that actual real estate in the pool goes up in value. Does the fact that your money doesn’t buy anything that actually exists bother you?
Why would it, sir?
Well said, Selig. Just like a really sophisticated institutional investor. And even more important, when you own a piece of this action, you’ll be a client of Goldman Sachs. And when you’re a Goldman client…
…You’re family. I know the saying well, sir.
Hang on to the washroom gang’s check for a few minutes now, and heat up the seat in Stall Number 8. I’m goin’ in.
For more satire from this author, some in verse: http://www.wallstreetpoet.com