It’s February 2013. It’s 3 A.M.
The phone rings in the President’s bedroom — it has an urgent ring.
Finally the President picks up the phone.
The voice of his National Security Advisor, John Bolton: “Mr. President, we have a serious situation developing in Asia.”
The President: “Asia? Which Asia? Can’t you be more specific than that …”
Bolton: “In China, Mr. President.”
The President: “So, why call me at three in the morning. Didn’t I tell you, China does not have a nuclear capability…”
Bolton: “Well, Mr. President, China is threatening Tajikistan over …”
President [Interrupting]: “Holy pizzas! I knew Uz-beki-beki-beki-stan would become a problem for me.”
Bolton: “No, not Uz-beki-beki-beki-stan, Ta-jiki-jiki-jiki-stan…”
There is a pregnant two-minute pause, during which the First Lady wakes up.
The First Lady: “Herman, is that the Bialek woman again?”
The President: “Uh, nope, darling. It’s not Bialek, it’s Ta-jiki-jiki-jiki-stan…”
The First Lady: “Well, tell Jiki to go 9-9-9 herself”
Bolton: “I don’t think that would be advisable, Mr. President, Russia is taking Ta-jiki-jiki-jiki-stan’s side and things could get nasty …”
President [Interrupting]: “I wasn’t talking to you Bolton, I got more important things to deal with here …” Voice fading: “Listen, honey, I thought we had reached an understanding, you help me with the whitewash and I get you the White House…”
President [to Bolton]: “Specifically what are you asking me, which stan are we talking about?”
First Lady: “Oh, it’s a ‘Stan’ now. Will this nightmare never end?”
Bolton [Interrupting]: “Mr. President, I suggest we nuke Ta-jiki-jiki-jiki-stan into oblivion, problem solved.”
The President: “What would Libya say about this?”
Bolton [sounding flustered]: “Damn it, Mr. President. I have told you a million times what and where Libya is — it is thousands of miles away from Uz-beki-jiki-stan…”
First Lady: “Herman, I have told you to stay away from Lidya…”
President: “No, darling it is Libya, not Lidya…and, Bolton, listen here: President Cain will first make sure that he’s making the right decision based upon all of the information … If it’s an act of war, and the evidence suggests that, then President Cain is going to consult with his advisers and say, ‘What are our options,’ and then President Cain will get a new National Security Advisor and consult with him — or her…”
First Lady: “The hell you are getting a woman National Security Advisor … over my dead body!”
The President: “Well, I’ll get some advice on that, too, and then I’ll decide on the latter. For now I am going back to sleep, see if I can get all this stuff twirling around in my head to untwirl. Give Pizza a chance!”
The author is a retired U.S. Air Force officer and a writer.