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Posted by on Mar 14, 2005 in At TMV | 0 comments

Ordering Pizza Homeland Security Style





NOTE: We didn’t write this and we don’t know who wrote it. This was sent to us by Pete Van De Putte of the world famous Dixie Flag Company



Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?



Customer: Hi, I’d like to place an order.



Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.



Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it’s 6102049998-45-54610.



Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is [email protected] Which number are you calling from sir?



Customer: Huh? I’m at home. Where’d you get all this information?



Operator: We’re wired into the HSS, sir.



Customer: The HSS, what is that?



Operator: We’re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.



Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I’d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.



Operator: I don’t think that’s a good idea, sir.



Customer: Whaddya mean?



Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you’ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won’t allow such an unhealthy choice.



Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?



Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I’m sure you’ll like it.



Customer: What makes you think I’d like something like that?



Operator: Well, you checked out ‘Gourmet Soybean Recipes’ from your local library last week, sir. That’s why I made the suggestion.



Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.



Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.



Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.



Operator: I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.



Customer: I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.



Operator: That won’t work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.



Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How long will it take?



Operator: We’re running a little behind, sir. It’ll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you’re in a hurry you might want to pick’em up while you’re out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.



Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?



Operator: It says here you’re in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo’ed. But your Harley’s paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.



Customer: Well, I’ll be a #%#^^&$%^[email protected]#



Operator: I’d advise watching your language, sir. You’ve already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?



Customer: (speechless)



Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?



Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.



Operator: I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.



UPDATE: Several people say this is from an ACLU video. Someone sent me an audio link from an ACLU satire on this subject — but it is not the same. It’s the same idea, but done differently. To hear it CLICK HERE.

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