January 15, 2017
Note to readers: This is the latest entry in Super Baby DonDon’s diary. The series imagines that President-elect Donald Trump has the emotional make-up of a five-year-old and confides his deepest thoughts—such as they are—to Andrew Feinberg, and to readers, every day. In his private moments, he always thinks of himself as Super Baby DonDon.
So I’m hearing some of you on the wrong side of my landslide will wuss out and skip my inaugural address. Here’s what you’ll miss:
I’ll open with a real grabber:
“Pussy!”
Then:
“Nostrovia! Folks, it’s ass-kicking time in America! And I am just the ass to do some kicking!
“Death to our enemies, foreign and domestic. Slow, painful, televised death. I will establish a new Cabinet-level department—the Department of Vengeance.”
After announcing the formation of a search committee to find Mitch McConnell’s chin, I will say something Lincoln should have said but didn’t. Ditto Jefferson, Reagan and JFK (boy, do I have big boxers to fill there). I will show everyone how I’m an improvement on each one. Are you sure you don’t want to see this live?
Next, I will say something true.
Next:
“The murder rate is the highest EVER in our nation’s history. On my watch, the murder rate will go WAY down. Or else people will be shot.
“Under Obama, the economy has been in the toilet. And not just any toilet. I’m talking a toilet you see at a disgusting gas station in the middle of nowhere whose owner says, ‘I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.’
“Donald J. Trump will spruce up that toilet like nobody’s business. Carrara marble everywhere, even the toilet. Heated, vibrating Carrara marble. It will be beautiful.
“It’s a movement, people. And a movement should have a doctrine, so here’s the Trump Doctrine: If I said it, it is true.”
Next, pandering. In a shout out to African Americans, I’ll recognize Dr. Ben “I’ll Have the Fruit Salad” Carson. When I praise Latinos, I’ll welcome defrocked Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who’ll be able to tell quickly if any Latinos are actually in attendance. When I salute women for their innate grabability, I will ask Hillary Clinton to rise. My loyal followers may start chanting, but I will silence them after three minutes and 47 seconds.
Finally, I will open my huge heart—my doctor says it’s the best heart he’s ever seen—to America’s Muslims. “Muslims, my message is clear. Be peaceful, sign the register and leave as quickly as possible.”
I will conclude with a generalized threat. “Know this, my enemies: I always get even. I think, therefore I retaliate. Who said that? Voltaire? Descartes? Jerry Lewis? Hey, I don’t know and you don’t care. We’ve been led for too long by weaklings who know the answer to that question.”
You’re really not going to watch any of this?
Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven (https://www.amazon.com/Four-Score-Seven-Andrew-Feinberg/dp/0692664009), a novel that imagines that Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. He also writes an anti-Trump humor page at www.babydondon.com or https://www.facebook.com/MeBabyDonDon.