One of the joys of growing older is learning how to label people. When we were young, we were forced to determine someone’s character based on the subtleties of relationship. Fortunately, as we age, we learn to label and place individuals into easily defined categories. This alleviates the frustration of developing complex relationships.
Labels have tremendous power. They can turn a person into an ideology. When used effectively, people cease being human. The end result is pundit gold. President Obama becomes Socialism and Socialism becomes President Obama. Dick Cheney becomes Satan and Satan becomes Dick Cheney. Senator Joe Lieberman becomes. . . Joe Lieberman becomes. . . what the hell becomes of Joe Lieberman!
Alright, this is where labeling becomes a little bit tricky. In an attempt to avoid the labeling process, some politicians have chosen the less understood moniker “moderate.” At first glance, moderate seems like a word that might evade classification. However, through the powerful filtering processes of the blogosphere, experts, as well as internet hacks, have discovered attributes unique to the moderate voice.
To aid the science of stereotyping, I have listed some of the more pertinent findings.
1. Moderates are neither far right nor far left. They are simply right all the time.
2. Moderates do not agree with Republican nor Democratic ideology. They equally disagree with everyone.
3. Moderates avoid simplistic answers. They develop answers only they can understand.
4. Moderates are not easily swayed by the crowd. Instead, they stay home alone and blog.
5. Moderates avoid choosing sides or playing political games. Instead, they sit on the sideline and complain about the players, coaches, rules, and outcomes.
6. Moderates try to avoid viciously attacking extremists. They focus their vicious attacks on other moderates.
7. Moderates intentionally try not to look down on the people they stand above.
8. Moderates use self effacing humor to give the illusion of repentance, without having to actually apologize for anything.
9. Moderates agree with everything I’ve just written.
This is obviously not an exhaustive list. If only there were some sort of comment section for people to point out what’s missing.
Douglas Bursch is the author of Posting Peace: Why Social Media Divides Us and What We Can Do About It. He also hosts The Fairly Spiritual Show podcast.