How Stormy’s Lover Saved The Olympics
Has anyone noticed how Stormy Daniels’ former sex partner is wandering the American landscape claiming that he, and only he, saved the Winter Olympics? Who knew they even needed saving before his third person self-congratulatory oratory? His claim is apparently based on the theory that his lingering fantasies about the Daniels’ affair led him to conclude that he should not nuke North Korea during the Games, resulting in folks buying tickets and attending the various competitions. [He actually said something akin to part of this].
This, in turn, led to North Korea sending a delegation to the games and jointly entering the venue with the South Korean team in a show of unity, Olympic brother-sisterhood and global peace. A symbol he ordered his Vice President to intentionally refuse to acknowledge. This American shunning disguised the grand and complex scheme by which pretending to ignore the unity and peace resulted in the unity and peace being more vigorously applauded by the rest of world, while Stormy’s baby-daddy sacrificially took the heat.
Don’t you see? By holding up America to the appearance of villainy, including having his sock puppet Veep refuse to stand or shake hands with Kim Jung Un’s sister, Ms. Daniels’ former consort allowed the rest of the Earth to congeal around America’s lack of basic manners. It was an act of genius, conceived on the bed in the private residence of the White House between cheese burgers and Diet Coke.
But, wait! There’s more! Consider the ruse by which he convinced Tiger Woods’s former squeeze and the two gay guys to pretend they were unwilling to come to the White House. [Ever notice how much he loves the attention when famous athletes’ refuse to come to the White House?] Combined with his directive that team USA acquire the lowest number of Olympic medals in recent history, he gave the rest of the world reason to cheer their own athletes and dance in their snowshoes when Norway set a record for Olympic medals. We all know how much Stormy’s Sweetie prefers Norway over those sh*thole countries. Good thing Nigeria didn’t win any medals.
So yaaah, as they say in Norway, Stormy Daniels’ belly pillow made the Olympics possible. The ratings would have been in the toilet without him bringing world revulsion of America to the events. Believe me, without his stylish deceptions the Olympics would have been cancelled after team figure skating out of lack of interest and fear of nuclear devastation during the ski jumping. Let’s all stand in awe of the great huckster’s gutsy scheme to save the Olympic Games. Truly a gold medal performance.
CODA: Do I really need to say that this is meant as satire?