As a post-trauma specialist, you see much. I have. I’ve been thinking about different kinds of fathers who, because of intent and heart, are definitely fathers, but are often forgotten in the Hallmark rush that brands the dominant family structure as a mom, a dad, the kidlettes, marriage.
Just this: on this Father’s Day to these fathers, I say: there are people in this world you don’t even know, who are pulling for you and everything that is dear to you… Hang in there. Just keep going.
So, to the fathers whose little ones are on life support… to those fathers whose son or daughter touched down on earth too soon and are in neonatal ICU. To the fathers who are at hospital holding a heavy wall away from their child who has been injured, or hurt. To fathers whose child is still in utero and is having some trouble… To them: miracles definitely occur, and just one step at a time. Do your best, and if you need advice, ask for it. People will be honored to help you. We will pray for best of all outcomes for you and your loved ones.
To the fathers who are searching for their children, who lost them through travail or neglect or happenstance or slanders from others along the way, but who are building across time now a bridge with love. For those fathers who when stationed overseas or at war, knew they left their child there when they came home, and who are now trying to find their son, or daughter and their mother, after all these years. For fathers who are seeking their son or daughter, now grown, that they surrendered for adoption many years ago when they as fathers were so young… many people are thinking of you and hoping that you soon find those whom you love.
To those fathers whose son or daughters are in trouble, on the street, in jail. To those fathers whose child or children are on the run, whereabouts unknown. To those fathers who know their children are, for now, lost to drugs, or alcohol. Many people are praying for you and your son, your daughter, that one day, you will be able to be near one another in good ways, and in the meantime that your heart and mind be at as much peace as posslible.
For those fathers who may not be blood fathers, but are fathers of huge heart. For those fathers who are actually grandfathers who are raising their children’s children. For those fathers who are not called ‘father’ but are father in most every way… all the same honors and gratitudes belong to you.
For families which are made of two fathers, for families that are made of no fathers present, but a mother who is being the best mother/father her kids ever had. For families made of women who also act as fathers. For families that want a father so badly… may all things you wish for come to pass for you.
For the fathers whose children have died, I know. I know it is not not not supposed to be this way. But for you… whether your child lived five minutes, or 50 years, or did not make it to earth alive, you are still a father, and on this father’s day, may you turn to whatever beauty there is nearest you, and consider it a small sign from your beloved child, as you wish, and in your own way of seeing.
To the fathers who are being held away from their children by legal storms or trumped up issues, but who love their children, time… time will pass, and this will be resolved. It will. Write to your children and post the letters to yourself, so when you see them again, you can show them you were there completely in spirit. And try hard as you can not to disrespect their mother. It will be better for the kids. I know. But try.
And to the fathers who are not presently speaking to their sons or daughters by the father’s choice, I’d just say this… I’m probably either as old as you, or about 20 years older than you. This is the paltry little but useful thing I’ve learned about our progeny and us, the parents. If the chasm has been dug over a life and death issue, fine. But if it’s over anything that is beneath your soul, some petty bs, then reach out. Say, “I was wrong, that’s all I’d like to say. I hope you’ll call from time to time.” Open the door. It’s not going to kill any of us who are stubborn crabby old people, to be able to say, Sorry, and mean it, once in a while. It doesnt even matter if it wasn’t your fault to begin with. What matters is abre la puerta, open the door. Many strangers you’ll never know are rooting for you: when they pray in the style they’ve been taught, they pray for reconciliation of loved ones. Those are prayers you can lean on.
A lot of people say father’s day is giving gifts, cards, eating together, shooting the bull,
maybe watch a game, go for a walk. Anything really, that allows people to make one more, hopefully halfway if not all the way good, memory together. That’s the finest thing of all: making memories, because ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ is always shadowing us all…
“My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin’ ‘fore I knew it, and as he grew
He’d say “I’m gonna be like you dad
You know I’m gonna be like you”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin’ home dad?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son
You know we’ll have a good time then
“My son turned ten just the other day
He said, “Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let’s play
Can you teach me to throw”, I said “Not today
I got a lot to do”, he said, “That’s ok”
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, “I’m gonna be like him, yeah
You know I’m gonna be like him”
“Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
“Son, I’m proud of you, can you sit for a while?”
He shook his head and said with a smile
“What I’d really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?”
“I’ve long since retired, my son’s moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, “I’d like to see you if you don’t mind”
He said, “I’d love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job’s a hassle and kids have the flu
But it’s sure nice talking to you, Dad
It’s been sure nice talking to you”
“And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He’d grown up just like me
My boy was just like me
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin’ home son?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son
You know we’ll have a good time then…”
Harry Chapin, Cat’s In The Cradle (Album, Cat’s In The Cradle)