Presidential Election 2016: America’s Heart Transplant
by Will Drinker
In one week, our country is having a heart transplant and some of us still haven’t chosen who should perform the surgery.
There are two options: one is a doctor who went to medical school and also worked as a nurse practitioner. Before that, she provided medical care to those in need and volunteered for the Red Cross. In one way or another, she’s worked in the healthcare field for decades, has experience in every wing of the hospital, has served with other doctors performing hundreds of surgeries, and is even married to a doctor who was the chief of surgery for 8 years.
The other choice is a part-time children’s birthday party clown who specializes in balloon animals. He’s known for blowing hot air into his balloons and twisting them into colorful shiny objects that usually pop or deflate over time. He’s never gone to medical school. He’s never even visited a sick person in the hospital. He claims he’s donated a lot of his clowning money to hospitals but in the same breath talks about how hospitals are rigged and we don’t need a doctor to perform our heart transplant — that America should take a risk and let someone cut them open who’s never even done surgery before.
He once said, “What’s the point of anesthesia?” and was recorded on tape saying that when we’re on his operating table he’ll probably touch our genitals. He’s also suggested replacing our country’s heart with a cantaloupe or one of his balloon animals. In spite of all that, many Americans love how this non-doctor “tells it like it is”. Also, while he didn’t marry one, his wife once played a doctor in a video appropriately titled, “Playing Doctor”.
The clown also loves to mock the doctor because she is always reading medical journals and studying the latest advancements in medicine and biotechnology. He proudly promises to show up for the surgery with no preparation and no sleep. The clown also once said about sick people, “You have to treat ’em like shit”. He’s also suggested we ban all flowers and get-well cards from the hospital until we know who sent them and why. He also recently heard about the ancient technique of applying leeches to the sick and says we should “Make Bloodletting Great Again”.
To be fair, his balloon animals are very shiny.
As America prepares for this transplant, what do we want? Do we want a new beating heart, replaced by an experienced doctor who has been in an O.R. before, who’s told us how she’ll do it and why — or do we want to roll the dice that a children’s entertainer will successfully perform his first ever surgery (citing the money he’s made on his balloon animals as proof he’ll do a great job)?
If we wake up on November 9th, will our country’s new organ made of latex and air keep our cardiovascular system running smoothly? Keep in mind, the female doctor does suck at computers and has an annoying voice… but we’re not choosing her to be our I.T. guy or the host of our favorite podcast, we’re hiring her because of her proven steady hand with a scalpel. Or maybe we’re not, maybe we want to die on the operating table.
Will Drinker is an average citizen who is concerned about heart health. His website is http://willdrinker.com