This just in from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:
IN BEARISH SIGN, GREENSPAN RUNS OUT ON CHECK AT SIZZLER
Analysts See Fed Chief’s Move Signaling Troubled EconomyThe stock market, which has been trading sideways for months amid soaring oil prices and bulging budget deficits, received another body-blow today when it was revealed that Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan ran out of a Sizzler restaurant in Secaucus, New Jersey Wednesday night without paying.
Greenspan, who had dined early in the evening to take advantage of the Sizzler’s Early Bird Meal Deal, ate a large dinner consisting of potato skins and Hibachi Chicken, followed by several visits to the restaurant’s tempting Sundae Bar, according to Shondra McMullen, the waitress who served him.
“When I was adding up his check, he started telling me about inflationary pressures and the real estate bubble and all, and I guess I kind of nodded off,� Ms. McMullen said. “And when I woke up, the old guy was gone.�
On Wall Street, market-watchers indicated that every time Mr. Greenspan has “dined and dashed� in the past, the stock market has fallen into a bearish swoon.
“I remember right before the market crash of ’87, Greenspan ran out on the check at an Outback Steakhouse,� said Dexter Tolan of Credit Suisse First Boston.
In an attempt to calm the markets, Mr. Greenspan released a statement today indicating that the economy was fundamentally sound and denying that he had pocketed a dozen ketchup packets at KFC.
Elsewhere, a new survey in Britain showed that fifty percent of those polled think Camilla Parker Bowles should get the title of Queen while another fifty percent think the title should go to Elton John.
(To those who might be tempted to send me emails of concern: Borowitz is a top satirist. His website is here and you can buy his hilarious books on Amazon.com)
Joe Gandelman is a former fulltime journalist who freelanced in India, Spain, Bangladesh and Cypress writing for publications such as the Christian Science Monitor and Newsweek. He also did radio reports from Madrid for NPR’s All Things Considered. He has worked on two U.S. newspapers and quit the news biz in 1990 to go into entertainment. He also has written for The Week and several online publications, did a column for Cagle Cartoons Syndicate and has appeared on CNN.