Now that the Oscars are over and we’ve finished celebrating the best of the movies, we should take a moment to recognize some of the films which are so bad that they are good. One of these, which may reach the pinnacle of the genre, is Hard Ticket to Hawaii. I first heard about this film from the fine folks at G4TV as one of the best bad films in history. The title is most certainly well deserved, as this 1987 offering from director Andy Sidaris may be the most incredibly expensive wastes of high budget celluloid ever seen, providing the highest volume of unintentional comedy you could request.
The description of the film pulls no punches.
Two drug enforcement agents are killed on a private Hawaiian island. Donna and Taryn, two operatives for The Agency, accidentally intercept a delivery of diamonds intended for drug lord Seth Romero, who takes exception and tries to get them back. Soon other Agency operatives get involved, and a full-scale fight to the finish ensues, complicated here and there by an escaped snake made deadly by Toxic Waste!
I should note up front that this film is most certainly not for the entire family, as there is gratuitous nudity included. (What other sort would there be?) By way of explanation we should look no further than the two Playboy model DEA agents who are involved in a shootout with a dangerous drug lord where they intercept some illegal diamonds. They escape the villain’s lair in a single engine Cessna, land at their home base, and then exchange the following actual line of conversation.
“Let’s unload the plane and then go hit the hot tub. That’s where I do my best thinking.”
Of course! Where else would you go in the middle of a major criminal investigation? And who can ever find a pesky bikini top on short notice?
The “escaped snake” is a mutant serpent, rife with the plague and ready to attack and eat any human it encounters. The reptile has no real role in the plot, but don’t let that bother you. The beast was played by a rubber snake which couldn’t be any more fake. In one scene, if you pause for a few frames, you can actually see the top of the guy’s hand shaking the toy inside of a crate. And later, another guy shoots the snake’s head off with a rocket launcher!
If I haven’t tempted you into renting this monstrosity yet, you have no soul or appreciation for the history of truly bad film. Drink some really cheap liquor and sit down for ninety minutes of one of the worst – and yet best – perpetrations of film abuse ever committed.