Congressional definitions of words for the common person
by Robert Coutinho
It has become apparent that many readers of TMV (The Moderate Voice) seem to be having trouble understanding what many people in the US Congress are saying. Much of the confusion lies in the fact that, although they are using the same words, different senators and representatives have different definitions. In an effort to help alleviate the confusion, I have compiled some common words, phrases and terms used by representatives, senators and right-wing talk-show radio hosts (note: talk-show hosts are linked with tea-party Republicans unless otherwise noted). Not all of the people who fit into a given group will use the definitions below, but one can get a better feel for the gist of the arguments by assuming that the following definitions are reasonably close to accurate.
fiscally unsound
Democrat, Republican: Nobody paid me to support this legislation
Tea-party Republican: Nobody paid me to support this legislation, it will cause the end of the world, and Rush Limbaugh did not support it either.
(a Democrat) is unfit to be _________
Democrat: I wanted the job and it was not offered to me
Republican: ________ is a Democrat
Tea-party Republican: ________ is a godless heathen who should be thrown out of the country
(a Republican) is unfit to be ________
Democrat: ________ is a Republican
Republican: I wanted the job and it was not offered to me
Tea-party Republican: a) I wanted the job and it was not offered to me OR b) _______ is a godless heathen calling himself a Republican, but is really a RINO
The US Supreme Court (aka SCOTUS)
This one depends upon the particular circumstances. For simplicity sake I will give definitions for when the court case is supported or is unsupported by the speaker
Democrat/Republican/Tea-party Republican supported: The Law of the land
unsupported by Democrat: Evil, fascist, partisan group that spits on the Constitution
unsupported by Republican: Evil, communist, partisan group that spits on the Constitution
unsupported by Tea-party Republican: Communist, baby-killing, group that believes in a different Constitution than I do (note: Tea-party Constitution is not the same as the US Constitution)
President Obama is the worst President in history
Republicans (of all types): I don’t know anything about history, I couldn’t name five ex-presidents, I know that Obama is black, and I know that Ronald Reagan was not black
George W. Bush
Democrat: a man who tried to destroy the country OR a man who was hypnotized by Dick Cheney and is recovering in a psychiatric ward to this day
Republican: somebody we’re not supposed to talk about
Tea-party Republican: A Republican president who allowed the Democrats to do anything they wanted
Vladimir Putin:
Democrat: the devil incarnate
Republicans (all of them): John Rambo
Benjamin Netanyahu
Democrat: the Republican who moved to Israel and took it over
Republicans: a man who must be believed regardless of evidence
Israel
Democrat: an ally of the US, but has some major diplomatic problems
Republicans: an ally of the US, must be protected at all costs, is the place where Christ will have his second coming—probably in my lifetime and He is counting on me making sure it is safe for Him
Egypt
Democrat: a place where Republicans support an evil dictator or military rule in order to protect Israel
Republican: the only Arab country to recognize and support Israel
Tea-Party Republican: someplace in the Middle East
Reality: a country in northeastern Africa
Muslim
Democrat: Muslim
Republican: terrorist
Tea-party Republican: President Obama (also synonymous with terrorist)
Kenya
Democrat: a place in sub-Saharan Africa
Republican: Sub-Saharan Africa (not including South Africa)
TP Republican: portion of Hell where Obama was born
Terrorist
Democrat: someone who harms an innocent person other than local criminals
Republican: Muslim who harms an innocent person
TP Republican: anyone who disagrees with me
Feminist
Democrat and Republican: any female who is not a Republican
TP Republican: anyone who does not believe women should be at home birthing babies most of the time (or helping to raise them in the case of grandmothers)
War on Christmas
Democrat: ? (has no idea, but heard a Republican mention it)
Republican: I have no talking points at this moment
TP Republican: we should have a Christian Theocracy for a government
Abortion
Democrat: Birth control (of nearly any type)
Republican: Evil method of lowering the birth rate
TP Republican: procedure for ripping babies out of their mothers, chopping them up and selling the parts on the black market
States Rights
Democrat: (usually in a comment against) claim by states that they don’t have to follow our laws
Republican: (usually in comment supporting) claim by me that states don’t have to follow our laws
TP Republican: All states are totally sovereign, Lincoln was a godless commie, the US is supposed to be ONLY a military/industrial coop that organizes our military, MLK day should be abolished and replaced with Robert E. Lee day
East Coast Elitist
Republican: anyone who is not Republican and has a college degree (note includes people who have lived on the West Coast all their lives and got their degrees there)
TP Republican: anyone who has a college degree and can think rationally
Heartland
Republicans (all): any state that is predominantly Republican
US Territory
Democrat: A place where my party can get a lot of votes, we need to give these people some voting power
Republican: A place where the Democrats can get a lot of votes, we need to disenfranchise these people—taking away their citizenship
TP Republican: someplace that we conquered recently?
Military-Industrial complex
Democrat: an organizational system that Dwight Eisenhower warned would take over the country if we did not stop it. We did not stop it.
Republicans (all): US government (minus all that commie-socialist stuff)
Military Conflict
Democrat: War
Republican: Means of testing out equipment
TP Republican: Orgasm
National Rifle Association (NRA)
Democrat (most of them, anyways): group formed by the Devil to give money to support Republican candidates and make sure that criminals will have ample supply of weapons
Republican: group that gives me money to support anything they want
TP Republican: the last bastion of freedom in this country, the only reason Obama has not confiscated all guns and declared martial law with himself as dictator
Environmental Protection Agency (EPA)
Democrat: the only organization that stops businesses from dumping toxic waste into drinking water
Republican: government organization that tries to eliminate all businesses by claiming that money is bad for the environment
TP Republican: evil, communist group that wants to confiscate our guns, shut down all businesses, close all coal mines and make us eat roots and berries in the forest
Scientist
Democrat: scientist (i.e. one who has studied one of the sciences and continues to either work in or teach same)
Republicans (most): radical, communist-socialist freeloader who wastes government money smoking pot and getting young women pregnant so they can abort the babies, if female one who gets pregnant in order to abort the baby.
Environmentalist
Democrat: tree-hugger
Republicans: see scientist
National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA)
Democrat: guys who work in outer space or send people to do so, I don’t know how they do it
Republican: see scientist
School Teacher
Democrat: person who can magically transfer knowledge into a child’s mind
Republican: see scientist
Family
Democrat: any group of people living together
Republican: a group of people living together who have a father and mother (unless one of them is deceased)
TP Republican: a Dad and Mom (no queers!) with their kids, of course! What else could it mean?
Family Values
All: anything I believe
Important Legislation
All: I was paid to support this
Voter
All: sucker who will believe anything he/she is told
Constituent
All: see voter
Robert Coutinho is a disabled pharmaceutical chemist living in Massachusetts. He has been learning about life, the universe, and everything since he was born in 1963. He has had little else to do since his disability began in 1997. He has written a fictional novel, Their Last Best Hope, which is currently available at Tate Publishing, internet venues, and bookstores.