
December 24, 2007, After Dark in the Rockies, the Full Moon, Mars Shining Bright, 15″ of Snow…
posted for The Moderate Voice
UPDATE: IT IS DONE…
PEPINO
Big Boy Dalmation, Guardian of the Family
Born 1994, Died December 24, 2007
Go well dear, dear, loyal old friend. Thank you for showing us, we who are far more frail, what bold unconditional love a soul can truly give to others while on earth.
And, don’t rest in peace, Pepino. Run in happiness. Strong again and to your heart’s content. There is a little boy in heaven just waiting for you, and all our mothers and fathers and grandmothers and grandfathers have just now come to heaven’s gate to meet you.
Let our tears be the river that takes you there Pepino.
December 24, 2007, Early Afternoon in the Rockies, posted for The Moderate Voice
When your grown children call you ‘mommie,’ their childhood name for you, you know they are in need.
The call came just an hour ago. Pepino cannot stand up. They are carrying him to take him outdoors to the bathroom.
Six months ago I had a hunch. Christmas. I thought Pepino would make it through Christmas. That’s not to be.
I promised my family six months ago, I would…. well, what? Certainly be there to take Pepino to rest, for the family has suffered a loss of a son 11 years ago, that makes it all come rushing back now that Pepino is so ill, and devastatingly so. On the phone just now, I could tell. The boat with the dark sail has pulled up and moored right outside my family’s minds, and they are building sandbag walls as well as they can, so as not to slip back 11 years, to not have that vault that took so many years to shut, crack open again…. Just trying to stay here in the grief of Now. It may not be possible completely. The worlds do leak into one another, sometimes.
I just pulled on my snow boots a few minutes ago. Then, I’ll get in my black pickup and drive through the snow to get down to the city where my family and Pepino are waiting for me …
But, I stopped as I was lacing the boots, thinking for the millionth time this year about my elders who are all gone to heaven now … and suddenly I thought “I am putting on my father’s boots, my grandfather’s and grandmother’s boots”… the big shoes of the people who stayed up all night to help the mares, the people who had their arms up to their elbows to turn an ewe or a colt in the birth canal, and the ones who looked angry while in tears, when they laid the horses and the dogs down as their times came.” I hope I can do as well.
I understand now, they weren’t angry, just so intent to do the right thing by their animal, by this loyal, stalwart soul who’d been their familiar for so long. In the end, to focus the most infinite tenderness and love possible in one burning star of might, enough to do what must be done, to do what no one in their right soul, can hardly stand to do…
….to lay this grand dog, Pepino, our relative, down.
Maybe I’ve lost it, but before leaving, I’ve stumbled around gathering up Pepino’s Christmas gifts to take to him, a little red mesh stocking filled with bones and a label showing a silly Dachshund in stocking cap dancing on back legs. Pepino always liked other dogs, even pictures of dogs. He would always grin like he’d just seen Chaplin take a prat-fall.
And two things keep conjuring to mind, one, a prayer for the dying animal by William Stafford the poet, and the other a tiny child’s prayer that keeps translating itself in my mind to Pepino: Now I lay you down to sleep, I pray the Lord your soul to keep….
Six months ago I had a hunch. Christmas. I thought Pepino would make it through Christmas. That won’t be. But just now I thought, maybe Pepino will have made it … it’s literally Christmas already on the other side… of the world.
Big breath. Prayers. I can do this.
Without losing my mind. I hope…
_____________
July 17, 2007, posted for The Moderate Voice
I Promise The Last Voice You Hear Will Be One of Such Love: Pet Loss
By Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés

The worlds leak into each other sometimes… Most often when our lives are surrounded by people who are facing life and death challenges, we don’t want to burden them with sorrows going on in our own lives. So I was thinking.
…until July 1st of this year, when, on Freecycle ads, I saw “WANTED: Christmas wreath.” I had one. I contacted. The son of a father who is dying quickly wants to make one more Christmas for his dad. In July. No better place my Christmas wreath could go. But too, when this stranger, this good son wrote back to me, copying my email back to me, I saw I’d made a huge Freudian/ Jungian/ Adlerian typo in my email to him. Instead of writing “Christmas wreath,” I’d accidentally or otherwise instead written, “Christmas grief”…. I’m a shrink. I get the picture. The worlds leak into each other sometimes. Being a shrink does not insulate; if anything, it sandpapers the senses all the more, right down to the walls of the arteries.
This summer, in my family world, there are waves of “know it’s coming, try not to think about it right now.’ Pepino, our family “big boy,’ is a 13 year old Dalmatian who last week was just a crazy bitey, grabby, wacko-grinning pup jumping all over, mistaking all of us for a fun trampoline. Today, Pepino is a brave elderly dog who sleeps most of the time and has cancer throughout his whole body. So far he is not in pain, but my family has known for months… “time, time time keeps slipping into the future…’
I know. I do. I’ve been here before over these many decades, with my team of Huskies, with our “found on the road’ dogs… all of them, “throw yourself into the grave with them’ times… but I’ve never been here before in “this way,’ not since a hideous “watershed event,’ took place in our family’s life… an event that all things of our lives are now measured against forever, as “before’ that event, and “after’ that event. I’ll get to that time in a moment; it’s a place in the psyche that I have to circle to build courage to look, not for the last time… there’ll never be a last time.. but for one more time…
In the meantime, there’s Good Boy Dog Pepino. God, if I describe this, I know you will be able to see him vividly: Read the rest of this entry »