And not just by candidates.

This just in from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Spitzer Resigns From Emperors VIP Club
Client Number Ten to Succeed New York Guv

Amid calls for him to resign, embattled New York Governor Eliot Spitzer held a hastily-scheduled press conference in Albany today.

“After much deliberation, I have decided to resign my membership in the Emperors VIP Club, effective immediately,” Mr. Spitzer said. “I hope that in doing so, I will allow the healing to begin.”

Mr. Spitzer expressed his regret over the recent sex scandal, telling reporters, “I have let down my fellow Emperors and VIPs, whose privacy has been unfortunately violated.”

Under a transition plan worked out with the Emperors VIP Club, Customer Number Ten would immediately succeed Governor Spitzer and become Customer Number Nine.

Mr. Spitzer confirmed that he had already handed over his key to room number 871 in the Mayflower Hotel to his successor.

In a parting shot, Gov. Spitzer lashed out at the New York Post for serving up “an embarrassingly unimaginative headline” the morning after the sex scandal broke.

“I gave you a juicy story like this, and the best you could come up with was ‘Ho, No’?” the governor said.

This Guest Voice column is by Will Durst, a political comedian who performs around the world. Guest Voice posts do not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Moderate Voice or its writers.

Bill Clinton: Threat or Menace?

Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

It’s desperation time in Hillaryville.

They’re putting out fires faster than a Rocky Mountain ranger station during a lightning storm in the middle of an August drought. Due to the fact that a certain inevitability has proven to be highly evitable. And watching the nomination slip through their fingers has to be going down as easy as a deep-fried fork. Causing several revisions to what was previously a dead-solid game plan. Corrections that include, but are not limited to banishment of key staffers to “integral” precincts on the outskirts of West Texas. Further attempts to wring blood out of contributors who insist on impersonating dried turnips. And the most difficult fix: figuring out how to get the candidate’s husband to shut the hell up.

Yeah. Right. Good luck. You’d have a better shot at using a plastic butter knife to spay a pit pull on meth than try to muzzle this old dog. I suggest a wolf snare or tranquilizer gun as the best means to render the 42nd President of the United States docile enough to throw a choke chain around his neck.

Interesting how quickly the game changes.

It wasn’t that long ago, rival campaigns were complaining Hillary had an unfair advantage being married to a former president. “But he gets so much press.” And now it’s Hillary’s staff doing the complaining. “But he gets so much press.”

What was once a secret weapon is now an albatross tied by a frayed rope, swinging wildly from the neck of the former first lady. And because of his unique stature as biggest hound in the pound, Bubba isn’t just a loose cannon, he’s a loose aircraft carrier in high seas. Rampaging down the campaign trail in the manner of a Japanese movie monster stomping through downtown Tokyo, using his heat vision to blast opponents and batting around members of the media like pastel bunnies off an Easter display shelf in a Hallmark Card shop. He must see himself as a guard dog protecting the hen house, no pun intended. Barack’s camp accuses him of being the junkyard dog.

And we can’t have that. Because everybody knows that if Mr. Obama gets the nomination, the Republicans won’t be mean. They’ll roll over on their backs, begging to have their bellies scratched. Worst-case scenario, they try to bruise him by throwing rubber bones at his head. Hah. I laugh. Hah. I laugh again.

You want to see negative campaigning? You wait until the junior senator from Illinois gets the nomination, because you’re going to see negative campaigning that will make what they did to Michael Dukakis look like pranks played during recess at a Catholic girl’s school.

Bill Clinton nuzzles and he growls. He’s a boon and a bane. A southern-fried Jekyll and Hyde. Smoother than a puppy’s fur, and more divisive than a flea-ridden German Shepherd at a Bat Mitzvah. One problem is everybody continues to introduce him as “Mr. President,” like he’s still in charge. That kind of thing can have an effect on a guy. If Hillary were smart, she’d sponsor a bill in Congress that would mandate all former chief executives be referred to as “Mr. Ex-President.” Kill two dogs with one stone. One dog being a certain George W. Bush, whom a lot of us can’t wait to call… Mr. Ex-President.

Political comic Will Durst is convinced that Mr. C. has a slight case of rabies.

Copyright ©2008 Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate.

Cartoon by Nerilicon, CagleCartoons.com, Mexico City

Satire from Andy Borowitz:

Huckabee Asks Jesus to Stimulate Economy
Loaves, Fishes Key to Package

In what many political observers are calling an attempt to shore up his evangelical base on the eve of the nation’s Super Tuesday primaries, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today asked Jesus Christ to stimulate the U.S. economy.

Mr. Huckabee has invoked Jesus’ name at many points in the primary season, but his extraordinary request marks the first time a presidential candidate has directly asked a deity to provide the nation with an economic stimulus package.

In a press conference in Mobile, Alabama today, Mr. Huckabee said that he had asked Jesus to stimulate the U.S. economy with “a fresh infusion of loaves and fishes.”

The former Arkansas governor was not specific about the exact dollar amount of the loaves and fishes that he had asked Jesus to inject into the U.S. economy, but advisors later said that it was somewhere in the ballpark of $70 billion.

Mr. Huckabee said that he had also asked Jesus to solve the nation’s mortgage crisis by “casting out the money lenders.”

Jesus’ fish-and-loaf-based stimulus package drew a dismissive reaction from G.O.P. rival Mitt Romney, who questioned Jesus’ economic qualifications while campaigning in California.

“Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, but with all due respect, I’m not sure that He could have turned around the Salt Lake Olympics,” Mr. Romney said.

For his part, Mr. Huckabee offered this tart response to Mr. Romney’s remarks: “This is precisely why I have asked Jesus to smite Mitt Romney.”

Elsewhere, Sen. John McCain’s promise to cut taxes drew a strong vote of support from actor Wesley Snipes.

I read Andy’s most excellent satire on a regular basis.

Long ago when venerable “The Onion” began, one could distinguish fairly well the satire on its front pages from the so-called ‘real news’ in mainstream media. Then, something happened:

Mainstream media front pages began out-Onioning The Onion, with real time stories that were so outrageous and often egregious news of normal-looking politicos acting like their brains had been replaced by wires and springs and were leaking battery acid…. that “The Onion” began to look ‘normal.’

Well, since, “The Onion” is back on venerable status, and its work of ‘outing the outrageous.’ And then there’s Andy Borowitz, well named that ‘witz’ guy, very very witzy.

His site has a great Rod Serling-like name: “Next Weeks News” and an even more plausible (in Outer Arcturus) subtitle: “A lot of people report what’s happened. Only one man has the balls to report what hasn’t happened yet.”

Borowitz will be appearing January 17, 2008 at 8 pm at Comix in NYC along with Amy Sedaris, John Oliver (the Daily show) and Christian Finnegan (VH1’s Best Week Ever.) His website has a %off coupon for the show.

Here’s Andy’s latest

Huckabee Chooses Jesus as Running Mate
Move to Shore Up Evangelical Base

by Andy Borowitz
In a bold move that could dramatically alter the playing field of the 2008 G.O.P. presidential race, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today named Jesus Christ as his vice-presidential running mate.

Governor Huckabee has made an increasing number of comments about his relationship with Jesus in recent debates, but few Republican insiders expected him to announce that he was anointing Christ as his vice-presidential pick.

“This could be huge for Huckabee,” said Stenson Partridge, a veteran G.O.P. consultant. “Among Republican voters, Jesus Christ is even more popular than Ronald Reagan.”

The Reverend Pat Robertson, a supporter of former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, said he was “blindsided” by the news of Huckabee’s decision: “I talked to Jesus last night and He didn’t mention anything about it.”

At a raucous Huckabee rally in Davenport, Iowa today, supporters of the former Arkansas governor could be seen holding signs reading “HUCKABEE/CHRIST ’08.”

It is “highly unorthodox” for a presidential candidate to select a vice presidential running mate who is a prominent figure in the Holy Bible, says Davis Logsdon, dean of the School of Divinity at the University of Minnesota.

But according to Mr. Logsdon, if the Huckabee-Christ ticket makes it all the way to the White House, it could be historic in more ways than one: “If Huckabee is elected and then something happens to him while in office, we would be looking at our first Jewish president.”

Elsewhere, a madman attempted to take hostages at former Sen. Fred Thompson’s campaign headquarters in Rochester, New Hampshire, but found that everyone had been given the week off.

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush Gives Musharraf Tips on Eliminating Democracy
‘Benefit From My Experience,’ President Tells Pakistani

In what he described as “an emergency mission to help a key ally in the war on terror,” President George W. Bush flew to Islamabad today to give General Pervez Musharraf tips on how to eliminate democracy.

Mr. Bush said he scheduled the trip just hours after General Musharraf declared a state of emergency in Pakistan and suspended elections “because when it comes to eliminating democracy, I thought my friend Pervez could benefit from my experience.”

Speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One, Mr. Bush said that while he commended General Musharraf’s impulse to eliminate democratic institutions, he felt that the military strongman was going about it the wrong way: “When you’re getting rid of democracy, the last thing you want to do is tell people you’re doing it.” Read the rest of this entry »

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Trick Question About 9/12 Stumps Giuliani
Rudy Sputters at Town Hall Meeting

GOP presidential frontrunner Rudolph Giuliani stumbled badly at a town hall meeting in Iowa last night when an audience member baffled him with a trick question about 9/12.

Mr. Giuliani, who has made references to 9/11 the foundation of his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination, was “like a deer in the headlights” when the surprise question about 9/12 came his way, observers said.

The former New York mayor had been cruising through the town hall meeting up to that point, answering a wide range of questions about immigration, the economy, and global warming, all by referring to 9/11.

But the tone of the event changed abruptly when one audience member, Tracy Klujian of Cedar Rapids, asked the GOP frontrunner, “Can you name one thing that happened on September 12?”

Mr. Giuliani seemed taken aback by the question, clearing his throat and drinking from a glass of water as if to buy time before responding.

“That’s a good question,” Mr. Giuliani said. “September 12 happened one day after September 11 — and we must never forget the lessons of September 11.”

Mr. Giuliani’s aides later said that their candidate had expertly parried a difficult question, but also offered excuses for Mr. Giuliani’s apparent failure to refer to any other date besides September 11.

“The man has a lot of dates to keep track of,” one aide told reporters. “For one thing, he’s had three different wedding anniversaries.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can get and read Andy Borowitz’s other investigative reports here.

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Dean Reassures Democrats: ‘We Will Find a Way to Screw This Up’
DNC Chief Determined to Uphold Losing Tradition

Amid a growing belief that there is no way the Democrats can blow the 2008 presidential election, Democratic National Committee chief Howard Dean sought today to reassure the party faithful that the party was “doing everything in its power” to uphold its losing tradition.

At a top-level summit called “Defeat: 2008” being held in Boston, the former Vermont Governor gave a rousing speech to concerned Democrats, bringing his audience to his feet by vowing, “I can assure each and every one of you, we will find a way to screw this up.”

With President Bush’s approval rating below thirty percent and none of the Republican presidential contenders stirring the public’s imagination, many Democrats have been worried that their historic role as losers and sad sacks might come to an abrupt end in 2008, a fear Mr. Dean attempted to quell today.

“Folks, let’s not forget, we’re Democrats,” Mr. Dean said. “If there’s a way to lose, we will find it.”
Read the rest of this entry »

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

In Sign of Confidence, Clinton Airs Vicious Attack Ads about Herself
Bid to Pre-empt Rivals, Aides Say

In a sign of confidence befitting her status as frontrunner, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) today began airing what her aides are calling “extremely vicious attack ads about herself.”

The ads, airing in such key early states as New Hampshire and Iowa, take Ms. Clinton to task for everything from her position on Iraq to her failed health care proposals of the 1990’s to what aides characterized as her “whiny voice and annoying cackle.”

With Sen. Clinton showing double-digit leads in many polls and steamrolling her rivals in recent debates, aides said that spending precious campaign funds to attack herself sends a message to voters that the New York senator “feels good about how the campaign is going.”

While negative ads have become commonplace in political campaigns, Sen. Clinton’s bruising ads are believed to be the first time a political candidate has spent her own money to attack herself.

“The American people want a leader,” said Clinton campaign spokesperson Carol Foyler. “And if her rivals won’t come out and attack her, Sen. Clinton is going to show leadership by attacking herself.”

Perhaps in a bid to blunt the effect of Sen. Clinton’s self-attacking ad campaign, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) today began airing what his aides are calling “his politest ads to date.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can get and read Andy Borowitz’s other investigative reports here.

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Bush Vetoes Candy for Babies
Move Takes Candy From Over Four Million Babies

In a move that seemed guaranteed to stir controversy, President Bush today vetoed a bill that would give candy to over four million babies.

With one stroke of a pen, Mr. Bush vetoed the Candy for Babies Act, a law that would have expanded candy benefits to America’s hungriest babies.

At the White House, aides to the president said that Mr. Bush was “unconcerned” that his veto would create the impression that he was, in effect, taking candy from babies.

“Being president means making tough decisions,” said White House press secretary Dana Perino. “If that means taking candy from babies, so be it.”

Mr. Perino said that the $3 billion saved by vetoing the Candy for Babies Act would be used for one of Mr. Bush’s pet projects, a new program that would pay people to kick old ladies who are trying to cross the street.

The funding of the Kicking Old Ladies Act comes on the heels of another potentially unpopular move by the president, an executive order that would force puppies and kittens out of animal shelters and onto the streets in time for the winter.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can get and read Andy Borowitz’s other investigative reports here.

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Ahmadinejad Invites U.N. Inspectors to Search for Homosexuals
Permits Use of Advanced Gaydar

Just days after asserting that there are no homosexuals in Iran, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today invited United Nations inspectors into his country to search for homosexuals.

“We have nothing to hide,” Mr. Ahmadinejad said in a speech to the United Nations General Assembly. “You can search the entire country – even the airport bathrooms.”

While some senior U.S. diplomats expressed skepticism about the Iranian president’s offer to allow U.N. inspectors to search his country for homosexuals, Mr. Ahmadinejad attempted to silence the skeptics by permitting the use of “advanced gaydar technology” as part of the proposed inspections.

“In Iran we have the most advanced gaydar in the world and we are prepared to share it with you,” he said.

Read the rest of this entry »

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

O.J. Authors “If I Robbed Them” New Book Explores Hypothetical Armed Robbery

Just days after being arrested for armed robbery of sports memorabilia, former football great O.J. Simpson announced today that he was the author of a new book entitled, “If I Robbed Them.”

Speaking at a press conference in Las Vegas, Mr. Simpson described his latest literary venture, which he called “an attempt to get inside the mind of someone who would commit armed robbery of sports memorabilia.”

“Personally, participating in armed robbery of sports memorabilia is something that I would never do,” Mr. Simpson said. “That’s what made writing this book such a challenge, imagination-wise.”

Legal experts questioned the wisdom of Mr. Simpson’s decision to author this latest tome, since the publication of a book about a hypothetical incident of armed robbery of sports memorabilia could potentially make a jury suspect that Mr. Simpson himself had participated in such a crime, should his case someday go to trial.

But the former Heisman trophy winner’s new book received a vigorous defense from its publisher, Judith Regan, who said she came out of retirement to publish Mr. Simpson’s latest effort.

Sitting by Mr. Simpson’s side at the press conference, Ms. Regan said that readers of “If I Robbed Them” would recognize the “honesty and forthrightness that have become synonymous with O.J. Simpson.”

“I’ve been a publisher for a long time, and I’ve never encountered an author as truthful as O.J.,” she said. “Well, maybe James Frey.”

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can get and read Andy Borowitz’s other investigative reports here.

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Craig: I Will Not Blow This Job
Idaho Senator Withdraws Resignation

Less than one week after announcing his intention to resign from office, embattled Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) changed course today, telling reporters in Washington, “I will not blow this job.”

Over the past few days, there had been whispers in Republican circles that Sen. Craig had, in the words of one of the Idaho senator’s associates, “pulled out too early.”

“At the end of the day, Larry does not want to blow this job,” the associate said. “He will do whatever it takes to win back the support of his constituents, even if it means getting down on his knees.”

Another associate of Sen. Craig’s agreed that the Idaho senator announced his intention to vacate his Senate seat too hastily: “I think Larry now feels that to leave office on September 30 would be a premature evacuation.”

Read the rest of this entry »

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

NBC Launches ‘To Catch a Senator’
Chris Hansen to Stake Out Airport Bathrooms

“Dateline,” the NBC newsmagazine which has scored big ratings for its “To Catch a Predator” investigations, announced today that it would introduce a new investigative series this fall, entitled “To Catch a Senator.”

At a press conference in New York, NBC News president Steve Capus said that “To Catch a Senator” would focus the “Dateline” investigation team’s energies on “the number one menace in America today: pervy Republican senators.”

While he indicated that plans for the program are still being developed, Mr. Capus said that “To Catch a Senator” would use an airport bathroom as the nerve center for its sting operation.

Specifically, he said that the program would deploy “Predator” host Chris Hansen as a decoy to lure depraved senators into lewd contact.

“Chris will be waiting in one of the bathroom stalls, and when the senator taps on the wall, Chris will kind of pop out of the stall and start grilling him,” Mr. Capus said. “We’ll nail that bastard faster than he can say ‘I’m not gay.’”

Read the rest of this entry »

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Gonzales to Spend More Time Eavesdropping on His Family
‘Domestic Surveillance Begins at Home,’ Former A.G. Says

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned today, effective immediately, telling reporters that he wanted to spend more time eavesdropping on his family.

Mr. Gonzales, a champion of domestic surveillance and warrantless wiretaps while in office, said he was “totally stoked” about turning his prying eyes on his own family.

“Domestic surveillance begins at home,” Mr. Gonzales said at a White House press conference. “That means nobody in my family is above suspicion, not even the little ones,” an apparent reference to Mr. Gonzales’ children.

Standing by Mr. Gonzales’ side, President George W. Bush praised his former Attorney General, singling out his “courage” for ramping up his domestic spying program on his own family.

“If every head of every household was as willing to eavesdrop on his own family as my man Alberto is, we wouldn’t need a Homeland Security Department,” Mr. Bush chuckled.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can get and read Andy Borowitz’s other investigative reports here.

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Cheney, Briefly Assuming Bush’s Duties, Says He Enjoyed The Downtime

President’s Colon Procedure Offered Welcome Break From Grueling Vice-Presidential Schedule

Vice-President Dick Cheney, having briefly assumed President Bush’s duties while the President underwent a routine colon procedure on Saturday, told reporters today that he “enjoyed the downtime immensely.”

The two hours and fifteen minutes spent doing Bush’s job were “incredibly relaxing,” Mr. Cheney said, adding that they were a welcome relief from his exacting Vice-Presidential schedule.

Invoking the Twenty-fifth Amendment to the Constitution Saturday morning, Mr. Bush transferred to Mr. Cheney all of his presidential responsibilities, which meant that Mr. Cheney spent Saturday jogging, going to the gym, and hitting a ball for Mr. Bush’s dog to retrieve.

In addition, Mr. Cheney called the nations of East Timor and Luxembourg “evil,” stumbling briefly over the pronunciation of Luxembourg.

Finally, as Mr. Bush’s colon procedure was winding down, Mr. Cheney made some remarks about the Japanese economy, mistakenly using the word “devaluation” instead of “deflation,” sending the NIKKEI stock market into a tailspin.

All in all, Mr. Cheney said he emerged from his brief tenure as President rested and refreshed, ready to plunge back into his demanding Vice-Presidential workload.

As for the President, Mr. Bush’s doctors pronounced his procedure a success, but said that they were having difficulty determining whether or not the President’s anesthesia had fully worn off.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can get and read Andy Borowitz’s other investigative reports here.

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Nader’s Ego Enters 2008 Race
Massive Ego Fills Madison Square Garden

The field of presidential candidates got a little more crowded today as the massive ego of consumer activist Ralph Nader announced that it was entering the 2008 race.

For its historic announcement, Mr. Nader’s ego chose New York’s Madison Square Garden, the only venue available large enough to contain the candidate’s bloated self-esteem.

After being loaded into the Garden’s freight elevator and wheeled out onto the stage, Mr. Nader’s ego said the words that its faithful had been waiting to hear.

“This gigantic ego has sat on the sidelines long enough and watched others’ egos get all of the attention!” the candidate’s ego roared.

Mr. Nader’s ego went on to enumerate the reasons for its latest candidacy, telling the audience, “I want to see an America where I am on campaign buttons, banners, and Larry King Live.”

His ego added that it hoped to fill what it saw as a void in the 2008 campaign: “There is no other narcissistic whackjob in the race, unless you count Kucinich.”

The consumer activist’s bloated ego received rave reviews from those in attendance, many of whom had fond memories of Mr. Nader’s successful bid to wreck the 2000 presidential race.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can get and read Andy Borowitz’s other investigative reports here.