Ya’ know, this might be the best caricature that’s ever been drawn of Ted Cruz. I’m not patting myself on the back here as I only drew a robe with a black hole for the face. Usually, when it comes to black holes and Ted Cruz, the black hole is where his heart should be.

I wonder about the type of people who like Ted Cruz. I imagine they’re the sort who giggle when old people fall down. They probably aim their car tires at tortoises crossing the street. A little pee came out while they were laughing hysterically at disabled protesters being arrested for protesting the new Republican designed anti-health plan. There’s nothing funnier than arresting people who need wheelchairs and oxygen tanks. Republicans find that shit funnier than Hee-Haw.

Ted Cruz is a vile, evil, sinister, creepy, and all-around icky person. While the GOP’s huge tax-cut plan for the rich designed as a health plan is too mean for Republican senators like Maine’s Susan Collins and Alaska’s Lisa Murkowski, it’s just not mean enough for Ted Cruz and the Republican toad from Kentucky, Rand Paul (the other senator from Kentucky, Mitch McConnell is an actual tortoise).

What’s in this bill from the U.S. Senate that actually became meaner than the House version (which many thought was impossible but the Senate said “hold my scythe”)? First, it strips funding from Planned Parenthood. And if you’re a Ted Cruz kinda guy who really desires to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies, you might be all right with that. Never mind the fact that there is no federal funding for abortions and all that money goes to cancer screenings and other health benefits (women stuff we guys wish to remain oblivious to). But who needs facts when you have dogma, right?

This bill will kill the Medicaid expansion that covers 14 million people in 30 states and Washington, D.C. States will have to make up the cost difference and it’ll cost them millions, and a few billion. Since states won’t actually be able to make up this difference, it will affect people in and slightly above poverty. But, Republicans have shown they really don’t give a shit about poor people.

The bill imposes a harsher federal spending cap on Medicaid. This will force states, who have to actually balance their budgets, unlike Congress, to choose between funding Medicaid, education, law enforcement, roads, prisons, etc. It will cut over $800 billion from Medicaid. Can you tell me how you can cut over $800 billion from the program without it adversely affecting the poor?

Since the fire in the states’ dumpsters won’t really start burning until most of the current governors are out of office, they’re not going to start planning ahead. Most of these people are Republicans. In case you haven’t noticed, Republicans don’t do well with budgets. Remember the budgets from Reagan, Bush, or the other Bush? Wait until the multiple bankruptcy president is through with the federal budget. We’re gonna have to rewrite the 22nd Amendment just so Obama can come back and fix this shit again.

The bill will maintain Obamacare’s tax credits but will scale back the value of those based on income and geography. It may benefit people with high premiums but it’ll also make deductibles rise. You don’t mind your deductibles rising, do you?

The Senate version will make it easier for states to seek exemptions from other provisions of the law, including the essential benefits insurers must cover, including maternity care and mental health. The House version would authorize states to apply for waivers allowing insurers to charge sick people more. Since this will have to return to the House if it passes, we can’t be sure what’ll end up in the final version. This thing could end up with a Dracula-blood-sucking-death-panel provision. Do you like leeches?

Both versions of this plan will force people to go without health coverage. How can that be predicted? When you make it too expensive and people have to choose between health insurance and little luxuries like eating, that’s the logical outcome.

By removing low-income and disabled people from Medicaid the Senate bill would fund a large capital gains tax cut for the rich. According to the Center on Budget [and] Policy Priorities, $33 billion of the tax cuts would benefit the 400 wealthiest U.S. households, so if you sell a lot of stocks you’re gonna smell goooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.

Thirteen members of the Senate worked on the bill in secret, though a few of them claimed they didn’t know what was gonna be in it. That’s like an author not knowing who-did-it in his murder mystery. It’s usually the butler and if this bill is amended to appease the bastards, Ted Cruz will probably be the butler.

Did I mention, nobody likes Ted Cruz? When I say “nobody,” I mean people who are decent individuals who don’t run over turtles on purpose and folks who don’t live in Texas.

One last thing: If you voted for Donald Trump, who promised he wouldn’t cut Medicaid, you’re an idiot.

Clay Jones
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