Cartoon and Column: Perjury Happens
Other than playing poker with Donald Trump, I really wanna start farming. I’m going to start a popcorn farm. How do you grow popcorn? I don’t know much about farming. I know you need things like seeds, and dirt and probably a tractor, and you have to wear overalls and live in Iowa with a scarecrow to ward off ghost baseball players, and that’s about all I know about farming. I thought pineapples grew on trees until I moved to Hawaii.
The reason I want to start farming popcorn is that if Donald Trump testifies in a court or a deposition, and they televise that shit, people are going to be eating a lot of popcorn. I could be something Donald Trump isn’t, and that’s an actual billionaire.
Donald Trump and his team say James Comey is a liar. Well, there’s our first lie. The second one came from Sarah Huckabee-Sanders who said: “the president is not a liar.” You might want to be careful with the moment you’re trying to swallow the popcorn as there’s a very real danger of choking if you try to swallow while Trump or one of his sycophants is dropping a whopper. Eat with a friend who knows the Heimlich or is really good at tickling. Does tickling prevent choking? Don’t choke while around me. You will die.
Most of Trump’s problems are his own creation. He fired Comey and then boasted he did it because of the Russia investigation. He then trolled Comey by threatening that their conversations may have been taped, which led to Comey dropping his memos to the press, which led to a special counsel being appointed. It’s like Trump is taking a crap while walking backward.
On Friday, Trump said he’d be willing to testify under oath to give his version of his conversations with Comey. That had to make his lawyer drop a load. Trump is going to testify that he never asked Comey about dropping the Flynn investigation, or that he never asked for his loyalty? Oh goody.
Trump argued that he would never ask Comey for his loyalty because you don’t do that with a stranger. I suppose he knew every attendee on a first name basis at this Vermont rally, or perhaps at this rally in Orlando. Trump didn’t mention anything about the independence of the FBI director from the president, just that he wouldn’t ask loyalty from someone he barely knows. That must mean Trump requires a loyalty oath from everyone he associates with. And seriously, if you’re the type of person who pledges an oath to a guy who eats burnt steak with ketchup, then you’re going to remain hopeless and lost.
Trump would not reveal if he actually has tapes or not, but he did promise that he would let us know “over a short period of time.” He also said we’ll be very “disappointed” which may inadvertently be true because he’ll probably reveal it like he revealed his taxes, or proof that Obama wasn’t born here, or that press conference Melania was going to hold to prove her citizenship.
There are no tapes, and if there are then they don’t support Trump’s version of events or he’d have released them already. They would have come out at 3:00 a.m. without his staff or lawyers receiving an advance notice. “The president is not a liar and there are no tapes…what’s that you’re listening to…aw crap.”
At this point, it almost doesn’t matter if there’s any collusion between the Trump and the Russians, or even his campaign. That’s because a special counsel can indict on anything he finds connected to his investigation that’s illegal. If Trump testifies he’s committing perjury. If you build it, he will lie.
Trump is one of those people who can’t not lie. If Trump talks in his sleep, then every word of that would be a lie. It’s part of a condition when you speak without thinking or speak without knowing anything, but his real problem is that he’s insane. He’s also a narcissist so he believes anything he says has to be true, just because he’s infallible. If it’s not true before he said it then it’s true because he said it. Trump lies about stuff that’s not even important, like how many times he’s been on the cover of Time Magazine or that it wasn’t raining during his inauguration speech. Trump lies so much that he’s having a hard time finding a decent lawyer to represent him (the fact he often doesn’t pay them hurts too).
It doesn’t matter to Trump or the GOP that his approval rating is at 34% as long as his base believes his lies, and they do. They believe Obama was born in Kenya and he wiretapped the phones in Trump Tower. They believe Trump had the largest electoral victory since Reagan. They believe Trump had the largest inauguration crowd in American history. They believe Trump is more honest than Hillary Clinton. They believe the NFL sent him a letter objecting to him debating while a game was on. They believe he opposed the Iraq war. They believe he never mocked a New York Times reporter. But believing something doesn’t make it true. Trump sycophants’ beliefs don’t change the fact that Obama was born in Honolulu, or that more people (legally) voted against Donald Trump than for him.
Now Trump has bullsh—-d his lying ass into testifying, which is something no lawyer wants their client, especially a narcissistic lying client, to do. And if Trump testifies, it’s not going to be “if”, it’s going to be “when” he commits perjury. In a 2007 deposition, Trump was caught lying 30 times. If Trump testifies under oath before the special counsel, he will commit perjury. He is incapable of telling the truth.
Get the popcorn ready.
Clay Jone can be contacted at [email protected]
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