Attendees of the 83rd annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade were stunned to silence and then sent fleeing in panic this morning as perennial Batman nemesis The Penguin unleashed a shocking, horrific attack on the festive event in front of a gathering of tens of thousands. The Penguin and his henchmen had apparently stolen several of the giant, festive balloons from a warehouse overnight, replacing most of the helium inside with massive doses of nitrous oxide. NBC weatherman and show host Al Roker was pulled away from an interview with parade marshal John Stamos to speak with New York City Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly, as hundreds of his troops were dispatched in attempt to restore order and secure public safety.
“I just don’t know, Al” said Kelly. “The fact is we were totally caught off guard. I mean, this is New York, right? We’re used to terrorist attacks here. We train all the time. But what we’re expecting is some sort of explosion, planes being hijacked, a subway gas attack… but this? I mean, what kind of maniac fills up a giant Garfield balloon with lethal levels of laughing gas.”
The Commissioner also admitted to having few leads to go on in tracking down the perpetrator.
“The Penguin? I’ll be honest here, Al. I frankly always thought he was a fictional character. From the movies, ya know? Where are we supposed to find this guy? The zoo? The sewers? I don’t have the manpower or the equipment for this sort of thing.”
As if things were not already in dire enough shape, the interview was suddenly interrupted when controversial rap singer Kanye West rushed out of the terrified crowd and seized the microphone from Roker.
“Look, man, I got all the respect in the world for the Penguin. He’s hard core, original ganstah with a capitol G, ya feel me? But I gotta say, man, Beyonce’ has f**ked up a lot bigger parades than this and done it with a lot more style. Our girl woulda’ had the balloons filled up with cyanide and by now she’d have had a gatt about five inches down Willard Scott’s throat. Peace out.”
Unlike depictions regularly featured in big budget studio films, Batman was nowhere to be seen. The Caped Crusader completely failed to arrive and save the day, leaving police with the difficult task of tracking down and arresting the Penguin’s henchmen in the milling crowd and passing out gas masks. Batman’s spokesperson was unavailable for comment and did not respond to e-mail requests for phone interviews in time for this report.