“I will know deep in my heart
the only dream that mattered had come true:
In this life I was loved by you.”
In This Life sung by Bette Midler
“Some people wait a lifetime
for a moment like this.”
A Moment Like This sung by Kelly Clarkson
Dear Karen,
It’s just after 12:30 a.m on December 8, 2015. Today is the 13th anniversary of our Holy Union Ceremony. I just finished watching the video. Last year was the first year I was able to watch it. What a joy that day was for us. I remember every moment like it was yesterday. We were both so happy. I remember the tears falling from your eyes as you said your vows. I remember gently wiping your cheek. Although we had been living together a little over a year, that ceremony was the beginning of our life together as a couple who had made a commitment to one another before my mother, who walked me down the aisle, and our friends, Roberta and Regina who stood by our side as well our friends from Dignity Fort Lauderdale. The men at Dignity Fort Lauderdale were so kind and welcoming to us. Their decorating made the ceremony even more beautiful and joy-filled for us. At our reception, we danced to Kelly Clarkson’s “A Moment Like This”. Such a perfect song because we were both in our forties and had waited what seemed like a lifetime for that moment to find love. But time was not on our side. We had a moment and celebrated only 3 anniversaries together.
Sometimes it is hard to believe that you have been gone for almost ten years. The grief has gotten easier over the years except for days like this when I’m left wondering why I must once again spend this anniversary without you. Life has been bittersweet. The joys were also reminders that you were not here to share them with me. The losses and sorrows were also reminders that you were not here to help me find my way through them all. Every year I still receive a card from the national Dignity chapter wishing us a Happy Anniversary. I never wrote to tell them that you had died. The card gives me both a reason to smile and to be sad. Your cousin Linda sends a Christmas card every year and still addresses it to me with my last name followed by a hyphen and then your last name just like I wanted my name to be after our ceremony. I never did legally change my name back then because it was just too complicated. This year, for the first time, I really appreciated seeing my name with that hyphen and your last name because after all these years there is still someone who is acknowledging and honoring that commitment we made.
I never realized that your presence in my life changed everything, even something as simple as going shopping or walking in the rain, until you were gone. Then and still now I am so aware of your absence. As much as I want to celebrate the joy we shared on this day thirteen years ago, I am still and always will be saddened that you are not with me. That we are not spending this day together, watching the video of our ceremony. In those moments we shared I learned what it really meant to love and to be loved. I will always be grateful for that and grateful for you.
Love always,
Pat
Moderately liberal, liberally moderate, American flag waving Democrat! Bachelor of Arts in History with concentration in Early American History and Abraham Lincoln
Graduate student pursuing a Master of Arts Degree online in American History at Southern New Hampshire University