This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

Chertoff Raises Threat Level on Reports of Imminent Election
Calls Threat of November 7 Vote ‘Credible’

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff today raised the national threat level to red after intelligence reports indicated that a national election could be imminent.

Speaking at a Washington press conference, Mr. Chertoff said that his department made the difficult decision to ratchet the nation’s terror alert system up to the highest level after being assured by intelligence officials that the threat of an impending election was “credible.”

“We do not know exactly when the election will take place, but we have credible information suggesting it will happen on or around November 7,” Mr. Chertoff said.

The homeland security secretary said that intelligence sources believe that the al-Qaeda terror network might be implementing a plot to booby-trap voting machines, causing the machines to explode if a voter pulls a lever for a Democratic candidate.

“My advice to all voters who were thinking of voting for Democrats is to stay at home until this current threat passes,” Mr. Chertoff said. “In this business, it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

The warning from the Department of Homeland Security drew a harsh rebuke from Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean, who said that the timing of the Homeland Security Department’s move “doesn’t pass the smell test.”

But Mr. Chertoff remained unfazed by Mr. Dean’s criticism, arguing, “Who are the American people going to believe — someone who is politically motivated, or the Department of Homeland Security?”

There’s more so read the whole thing. And check out Borowitz’s latest so-silly-it-must-be-real book: