Mommy, would our lives be different if we were black?
During a “go to bed� conversation some years ago, Adorable Child (AC) asked Polimom, “Mommy, would our lives be different if we were black?�
There is no easy answer to such a question from a five-year-old, and I floundered badly. Five years later, though, I realize that I might have better answered her question with one of my own: What about our lives was the same?
If I could answer her today, I wouldn’t talk about race or differences; instead, we’d discuss pillars…
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We each have our own path to optimize satisfaction.
I am delighted that the world is opening up to embrace more choices.
Polimom,
Any thoughts on how society can help shore up the pillars? I think that of course, those of us who want to strengthen marriage don’t mean that we want to keep bad marriages intact, nor do we want to impose guilt on those who courageously exit bad marriages to raise children singlehandedly. To a degree I see your point that advocating marriage misses the boat if it doesn’t promote healthy marriages, but how do we do that?
C Stanley — I wish I knew.
I do know, though, that your comment contains an empathy and understanding about bad marriages that I’ve not heard in the marriage advocacy efforts.
Well, I do understand the logic behind pure conservative view on this issue and others (if you reward or take away disincentives for any behavior you will get more of it) and logically I think this is correct but I don’t see how anyone could consider that argument in its pure form to be in any way charitable or Christian. I remember when a friend was single and pregnant and she told me that some of her mom’s friends wanted to help her while others told her mom that they felt it was wrong to help. This was one of the first times I realized how ridiculous ideology can be: even if one believes that social policy shouldn’t promote single parenthood, failing to lend support to those who are already in that situation is certainly closing the barn door after the horse has left.
C Stanley,
The “disincentive” involved with refusing support to one who is already in the predicament applies not to the one who has the problem now but to those who do not (yet) have it, who see the refusal of support, and who may (possibly) factor it into the choices they make in their own lives. I agree with you, however, that that is a pretty cold blooded way to make an example, particularly for the child, who clearly did not properly consider the politics of the matter before choosing to be born . . .
The real question is: if society recognizes the reality that some marriages will fail and that single parents will be raising children, should it create programs targeted at helping single parents succeed as singles? If it does, will it incentivize people in marginal marriages who might be able to work it out to bail out instead, because the burden of single parenthood would be shared more with society, and not fall solely on them and their children?
If it does so incentivize the “marginal marriages” and therefore increase the number of divorces and single parents, would that necessarily be a bad thing? Would kids be better off with a single parent (who might someday remarry a more suitable spouse) or with their natural parents in a weak, but ongoing marriage? Is the “societal” answer different from the “ideological Christian” one?
The Master,
Yes, you are correct in your exposition of the ‘disincentive’ argument. As to whether or not it would be a bad thing to take focus off of fixing marginal marriages, I’m torn. If there is a way for society to help shore up such marriages, I’d have to say that I am in favor of that solution because yes, I do see some inherent value in children being raised by their two biological parents in a healthy marriage. For starters, this avoids the conflicting loyalties and the logistical problems of kids with unmarried parents.
Then the question becomes, can society effect any change in the possibility for marginal marriages to become healthy ones? I don’t know the answer to that. Promoting low cost, high quality counseling? Putting some sort of relationship education into schools? Mandatory counseling prior to issuing a marriage license? (which doesn’t address unmarried couples who have offspring, though). I certainly don’t have the answers, those are just some random thoughts.
The Master and C Stanley —
This opinion piece from the CS Monitor also addresses the subject. Difficult subject with no obvious solutions, although I was amused that the editorial writer reached pretty much the same conclusion I did.
Single moms with no ‘I do’ in sight
Polimom,
And this article touches on how the focus may need to be on the men to take more responsbility (in this case, specifically black men).
That’s another great article, thanks. You’ll notice, however, that the comments quickly turned on the women as the responsible party.
I agree, men need to be taking much more responsibility. In the black communinty, there are a number of very closely related compounding factors… but it is (as always) the moms left trying to hold both ends together in the middle.
In fact, there’s a common thread to this, and to the abortion debates: responsibility is rarely ascribed to the man.
I’m tempted, btw, to copy/paste this thread into the thread at my other blog, where the post is more easily accessible. What say ye?
Absolutely, cut and paste away. Thanks for the discussion. We may not have the answers but sometimes finding the right questions to ask is the beginning, eh?