“Mawkish” “Maudlin” “Mushy” “Move On”
These are words I’ve heard various and sundry persons spit, utter, snap, disgorge today, with regard to various and sundry other comments, displays and utterances by those who are sincerely mourning their losses in the 184 lives lost at the Pentagon, lives that can hardly be accused of having ‘too much publicity’ as one person put it… as well as the 2,975 souls lost in the Trade Towers, and 44 persons lost over Pennsylvania, and more, much more.
We who work in post-trauma recovery, seldom speak of the suicides that occur after such events. Add hundreds more to the death toll. Serious.
So, just this from the inside.
Media coverage of sorrowing people, is not in any way the same as being present at genuine mourning. It makes no sense to war against people who grieve for their own reasons that most, and especially people in big media, may never be given intimate insight into. It makes no sense to think that people can grieve on command on this day only and then go dry the other 364 days of the year. That is an illusion prompted by television and radio.
Not all are called to comfort the sorrowing. Those who are not, are often the same who pretty impatiently say, ‘Move on already.’ I just say it gently; If one is not called to comfort the sorrow-filled, it’s alright. Move on with respect past the corteges. These processions are going to last for the rest of our lives. Rather than aggravate oneself unnecessarily, perhaps just imagine not everyone is cut out for this work; that many persons’ talents lie elsewhere. I hope rather than waste jing on these matters, that people with talents differing will go to where they are most needed, and be at peace in their work there, wherever ‘there’ is.
There is a frustration about public mourning, it is true, for some are born and born well, with a ‘fix everything’ gene. They innately want to ‘fix’ everything and then go on to the next. They are often very helpful. But endurance at the same site, is not necessarily their long suit. They are better at giving to those who give to the mourners… for some things take a powerful long time to fix, and some things will never be fixed as good as new.
The old veterans’ voices still shake on the anniversaries of battles. And the old mens’ voices tremble and they weep between anniversaries too; we just don’t witness their ongoing sorrows once the cameras go home.
If I had a wish for those who seem unkind in their impatience, it would be that they find things that make them happy, so that the river that runs next to the river of sorrow is not one of opprobrium, but one of half-way decent content. There’s merit to knowing when to stand out of the way instead of standing square in the way.
People who are genuinely hurting, soldier on in amazing ways and under enormous burdens. I think of one fireman I worked with who stayed on the pile for a year, bringing out body after body, dreaming at night about where to look next, dreaming the dead were pinpointing their locations to him. And finding in broad daylight, it seemed absolutely so. Now, he is still haunted that he couldn’t find everyone. And his body is sick. Has had cancer twice since ‘the pile.’
To think of him as pitiful, is not accurate. But it would be accurate to protect him and all other brave souls painfully learning their ways back to life… in their own ways, not ours.. in their own timing, not ours…. using whatever hand-hewn pikes and pitons they have to climb back into life.
It would be accurate to see that these sorely wounded ones are worthy to do this treacherous climb back to as much life as possible, and without jeering and roadside ridicule from those who have never lived through the terrible blessing of being in the gaping bloody hole of unspeakable disaster.
People who grieve don’t need directions on how to, when to, why to. People who have lifelong sorrow don’t need ideas about how they ought ‘improve.’ Most of the time, they just need refuge. If there’s something they hope to rely on, it’s that we stand in the shelter of each other.