Hi, My Name is Paul and I am a Racist
So far I have avoided watching Michael Richard’s racial rant because I like watching Seinfeld and didn’t want to contaminate my innocent joy. I find the situation ironic because the Kramer character was the symbol of open mindedness, with friends who were small, Cuban, oriental, fat, rich, and poor. Likewise is my reaction to Mel Gibson’s meltdown.
But the public recurrence of this controversy inspires me to reveal that I am a racist in recovery and have been one most of my life.
I have black friends and business associates. I owned a bar and had many black customers. I believe most of them are smarter and more sophisticated than I am. I am always respectful. I was raised by a socially liberal middle class New York Jewish family who prided themselves on their embrace of all people. My mom’s motto was “live and let live.” No one would suspect the viciousness hiding under the surface of my personality.
But once in a while, in moments of intense anger or fear I lose control and revert to my inner 13 year old getting shaken down for lunch money by a gang of black guys. This was such an emotional experience that it is seared into my hard wiring. Blacks were the first and most dramatic experience I ever had of danger and threat. I think ugly thoughts and if I am alone I say ugly things under my breath. And I loath myself about it. No one would ever know I have this affliction.
I can empathize with Michael Richards. He lost it and his darkest most evil demon was instantly revealed to the entire world and upstaged a life time of bringing joy to others. I can also sympathize with the target of his wrath. It had little to do with them or their behavior.
It seems to me that most people are friendly, fair and generous when they are feeling safe, secure and prosperous. But take any of those away and they can become mean, petty, and xenophobic.
It is amazing to me that the world works as well as it does.
18 Responses to “Hi, My Name is Paul and I am a Racist”
Bravo, Paul. Your honesty is extremely refreshing.
I thought you posted this earlier.
1) You cannot loath yourself. Loath means reluctant. You may loathe yourself, though.
2) What you describe is not racism, but a childish reaction that you’ve yet to control. Big deal. I grew up in a poor nabe, with blacks and Hispanics. Cops were like the Gestapo and beat us. To this day I get a chill of fear every time I see a man in blue or hear a siren. Am I a cop hater? No.
In short, Paul, you would be a racist if you thought yourself better than all blacks or Filipinos, etc. Are you a misogynist because women with big breasts remind you of your best friend’s aunt, who played sexual games with you when you were ten? Are you an anti-Semite because some con artist scammed you out of money, and his last name was Jewish?
Hatred can be healthy, such as yours for the individual blacks that screwed you over, but it doesn’t make you Bernhard Goets, much less David Duke. Lighten up and give yourself a break.
Holly,
I had posted it on my own blog. But David Schraub’s post just before mine inspired me to share it with a wider audience on TMV.
Do you have an opinion on the content?
p
You’re right to be hard on yourself. Not that you’re unique or uniquely terrible, but self-criticism is vital. We all need to do a lot more of that.
Ballsy of you to confess. Good for you, man. Honesty, self-awareness and the confidence to be open about this are antithetical to real racism. If you were a hater you wouldn’t have written this piece.
cosmoetica
My intention in sharing those reflections was to empathize with Richard’s and anyone who loses control of their inner demons and does something they regret. Like if you lost control and hit a cop.
Paul, it’s fine. I liked it when I saw it before.
Paul your post touches on something that I’ve mentioned to people for a long time but doesn’t seem to be a popular view. In my experience there are two types of racism: I’ll call them inherent and functional. Inherent racism is the belief that a race is intrinsically inferior because of their genes or whatever. Regardless of how someone acts or how well they are educated or whatever, they are still beneath you (sort of like the caste system in India). Traditionally this is what people think of when they think of racism.
I think that inherent racism is extremely rare these days and mostly confined to the white sepremacist types. However, functional racism is very widespread. That’s the feeling that “they” act a certain way and is cultural in nature. Maybe you can clarify, but it sounds like you don’t curse your friends and associates or think they are beneath you, there is just a general animus towards the monolith “black man.” I’ve heard so many people say “I’m not racist, but blacks are so [poor/lazy/violent/scary/etc.]” while having lots of black (or latino if it’s in the west) friends. This is grounded in the perception of what black culture is like and that a black person has to prove they aren’t “like that” for it to be broken. This is seen in your statement
because you associate that behavior with the group instead of with the individuals that did it to you.
The problem is that when most minorities complain of racism they are talking about functional and the normal response is dealing with intrinsic. Even though it’s not explained like that, some black leaders agree and realize that it’s up to the black community to help change its image before expecting racism to decline much (Barack Obama has said as much.) while simultaneously reaching out to people to give each other a chance.
I don’t know if Michael Richard sees blacks as beneath him or whether he’s just has a similar reaction that you do. However, I think if it bothers you you can take steps to possibly change and rightfully blame only the individuals that robbed you.
I should mention I suffer from functional racism on occassion too but it’s sorta different. In my experience, most violent people actively pick those that expect them to be or are completely oblivious. When I see some black thug types I get nervous not because I think they are out to beat up and rob people, but that they’ll see me as a skinny white kid and feel compelled to act according to the “social contract.”
A few times while walking in the ghettos of Cleveland I’ve been very obviously sized up by people that looked like they were just itching for an excuse to start something. Once I gave them the look of “yeah I know where I am but I’ll respect you if you respect me” they either left or started a friendly conversation. It’s similar to one time when I went to a movie with my grandma and there was a group of about eight tough looking black teens blocking the ramp glaring at people so they’d walk around. She just walked right through them and said “pardon me” with tough love and they got embarassed.
This isn’t really specific to any race or social group (hell smart kids bully intellectually and emotionally instead of physically) but I agree that it does seem to be ingrained in the “urban” mentality. I’m also not saying that everyone just needs to be hugged…some people are just mean and ruthless to get what they want.
i understand your point, but i think you’re confusing “racism” with prejudice.
Dan,
Prejudice is probably more accurate, with racist undertones.
Mikkel,
Interesting distinctions.
Yes I am talking about functional prejudice that is very rarely conscious or expressed. It is a reaction to extreme pressure or threat.
Again I brought is up because Kramer probably went his entire life without anyone knowing that he had those racial rants inside of him.
Thank you for giving descriptive terms to something I’ve been playing around with in my head, Mikkel. I’ll have to spread the meme as I get the chance.
Dan is rt- you may have a prejudice or bias, but it’s not racist.
If a dog bit you at three and you feared dogs, that does not make you a dog hater.
Mikkel makes some good distinctions, but he defines them wrongly. Dan gets the definitions right.
Everyone has these fears- for cops, blacks, jews, dogs, etc.
There is a difference between the act and the deed. I generally detest religion- all of it. It’s so intellectually lacking, and plays to the very worst in humanity’s fears.
But, in my last job I got to talk with many people on personal issues, and I have to say, as an agnostic, that religious people are generally happier and more focused in life than others. It could be a delusive focus, but the point is I’ve not let my bias against religion stop me from recognizing that fact.
Also, biases are not all bad. If the person bitten by a dog is warier in petting a stray, that’s good. I tend to avoid packs of young male humans- regardless of color, because they are notoriously prone to groupthink violence. Does that mean all young male groups are? No. But, better safe than sorry, just as I don’t fuck w cops- small men, big guns and all.
That yuo recognize your flaw means you are not a racist. Humans can control their ids, where most fear emanates.
Again, lighten up, forget Michael Richards- he’s irrelevant yo your situation, and again- chill, This post shows you’re more self aware than 99.9% of the functional zombies in the world.
I agree that Mikkel gives an excellent description of the two different aspects of racial prejudice. I’ll open a can of worms though because I’d love to hear various opinions: in dealing with the second form that Mikkel describes, functional racism, to what degree are white people culpable and to what degree are blacks who embrace inner city black culture culpable? As Mikkel mentions, some black leaders like Obama (and for another example, Bill Cosby) are trying to get the black community to take responsibility for the aspects of their behavior that often justify negative views of their culture.
In many ways I think this is important and necessary. It is one thing to say that whites shouldn’t judge all blacks as though they are thugs, but on the other hand, when dealing with certain individuals who do display antisocial behavior I can’t fault myself or other whites for feeling that these aren’t individuals whom I’d want for neighbors (and unfortunately, I wouldn’t feel safe going into their neighborhoods either). To emphasize, though, that does not mean in any sense that I don’t want black people for neighbors, but there are certain black people and certain white people that I wouldn’t feel comfortable with.
So personally, I think the calls for certain segments of our black population to clean up their act are warranted…BUT on the other hand, I can also to a degree understand the sensitivity on the part of blacks that they shouldn’t have to bend over backwards to prove that they are civilized either. When you consider the history in our society of blacks having to pass as white, I can understand why some black people feel that they shouldn’t have to “act white” in order to earn respect. I guess my question is, where do we appropriately draw the line of civilized behavior, particularly since some parts of the urban black culture might be harmless but still seem very rough and coarse from a white suburbanite perspective.
Anyway, it was an interesting post, Paul. I think it is good to honestly acknowledge that we all have certain visceral reactions that are difficult to control. As a kid I was almost abducted but was able to scream and run away, and to this day I have a visceral abject fear response occasionally when I see white cargo vans (fortunately for me, fear of white vans isn’t a cultural taboo LOL). I was also held up at gunpoint once but for some reason that incident didn’t provoke the same kind of response; I was angry and certainly shaken up, but my anger was directed at the individual perpetrator and even then, I felt some sympathy for the pathetic life that must have led this person to do such a thing. It’s interesting how the primitive brain reacts differently in certain situations and interesting to think that we are still in many ways primitive creatures.
What is worse, someone using naughty names that have a racial context, or America’s slavish support for Israel, a country that is a mirror image of Nazi Germany?
What is worse, naughty names, or the millions of blacks who have gone to these Million Man Marches, an event sponsored by a group with many prominent members who promote the extermination of whites?
What is worse, naughty names, or the Mexican invasion, replete with La Raza groups, “The Race,” reconquista, and Mexican flags waved by illegals?
What is worse, naughty names, or the hypocrisy of blacks and Chicanos who decry discrimination when it harms them, but then support massive and systematic discrimination when it serves them, ala the quota system of Affirmative Action?
What is worse, naughty names, or America’s kowtowing president lying us into war against one of the ethnic enemies of the Jewish State, an act of murderous ethnic aggression? http://www.amren.com
To me all of these terrible behaviors started with naughty names.
Paul,
Personally I wouldn’t say that naughty names is the initiator but it does perpetuate hate, particularly when kids are brought up with such language being accepted.