Breaking the Prenup (Guest Voice)

Breaking the Prenup

Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

For liberals, Election Day ‘08 was the marriage of hope and opportunity. Election Day ‘09: not so much. More like a summons from a partner’s divorce lawyer to give a deposition. After regaining statehouses in both Virginia and New Jersey, Republicans are fighting amongst themselves to see who can grab the megaphone and hail it as a sign from heaven above that the honeymoon between the American people and Barack Obama is over. All while mentally dividing up the community property.

Since Democrats typically come standard-equipped with a spine so soft and pliable it can be used as a substitute for window grouting (“Now with Less Calcium”), it comes as no surprise that more than a few members of the wedding party are attempting to weasel out of their spousal responsibilities. Trying to break the prenup, as it were. Checking for loopholes with a molecular microscope. Thawing the cake chilling in the freezer and chowing down before the hitching juice gets turned off for good.

We have to assume the union was consummated so an annulment is out of the question. Course, with these guys, you never know. And at this point it’s doubtful that even the great mystical entity that tied the holy knot of wedlock in the first place could broker a reconciliation. But let’s leave Teddy Kennedy out of this, shall we?

Whenever connubial bliss is torn asunder and heads south of Tierra del Fuego, there’s blame o’plenty to go around. Maybe too much anticipation was built up by all the pre- ceremony fooling around to sustain an actual relationship. This type of congenital post- nuptial depression tends to specifically afflict Democrats. Perhaps the yoke of marital responsibilities proved too burdensome for the betrothed. Do the terms “health care” and “midterm elections” have any meaning here? And all that talk of the expected alienation of affection due in 2010 could just be acting as a self- fulfilling prophecy.

Mr. President doesn’t skate down the culpability aisle either. He needs to understand that in the heartland, there’s not a lot of call for a metrosexual head of the household. Time to grow a pair. Less photo ops. More power tools. Everyone knows the circumstances that forced the newlyweds into moving into a fixer-upper. But now, it would be nice to see some actual fixing.

Both sides are praying a trial separation can be averted. On the same latter Election Day of which earlier we spoke, New York’s 23rd Congressional seat went non-Republican for the first time since before the Civil War. When it was held by a Whig. Who knows, maybe some couples therapy could help. Double sessions twice a week with an assist from some heavy psychotropics. Independents are notoriously fickle and susceptible to pendulum swings. Besides, the dowry has been blown and there isn’t anything left for alimony.

As always, the worst part of a breakup is not the slow suffocation of the sacred bond of matrimony; after all, the majority of better halves in this country don’t get it right until the second or third time around. No, the most distressing part is when children are involved, such as in this case. And yes, sadly, I am talking about Congress. Let the custody battles begin.

Will Durst is a San Francisco based political comic who writes sometimes. This is one of them. Catch his new one-man show, “The Lieutenant Governor from the State of Confusion,” coming soon to a performing-arts center near you. Copyright ©2009, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours.

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