Dear Federal Reserve

Dear Federal Reserve:

I would like to borrow a billion dollars on the same terms you’re giving commercial banks. My recent financial performance is better than these other borrowers, and I also have a business plan that guarantees this loan will be properly serviced.

I understand you are making these special commercial bank loans at a no interest rate for some borrowers and a half percent rate for others. As a new customer, I naturally understand you would apply the higher rate to my own loan. Now here’s my plan to use this money. I know local community banks that are offering 3 percent rates on their own CDs. I would put the whole billion you give me into these investments.

Are they safe? Well, they are guaranteed by the FDIC, another government organization you’ve doubtless heard about, so you know you’ll get your money back with the assigned interest.

And what a deal for all concerned! You make $5 million on your half-percent interest loan. That’s right up front. And as an added benefit I would return the $250 that another branch of the government you’ve probably encountered (The Treasury) is now giving all us Social Security recipients.

The $25 million (less $250) I net here will immediately be used for copious consumption that will help the economy immensely. The commercial banks you’re gifting with your choice interest loans aren’t recycling it in the form of their own loans to consumers and businesses. But trust me. I’ll spend every nickel I make on this deal.

Please forward the billion to my post office box as soon as possible. And oh, yes. Once I get the money I’ll tell all my friends about what you’re doing. They also like to play with money they haven’t earned and don’t deserve.

Yours in Bernanke,
Mike Silverstein