Dick Cheney Just Invited Me To Dinner!

I just I opened my mailbox And do you know what I found?

Vice President Dick Cheney has invited me to “join President Bush, Laura and the entire Republican Congressional leadership as they gather on the evening of June 14th here in Washington D.C…”

ME. The Moderate Voice. A little Jewish guy from Connecticut whose claim to fame is writing a blog that infuriates liberals, conservatives, Republicans, Democrats and proctologists.

I’m also a ventriloquist, but they couldn’t have invited me for that since there are already more than enough dummies in Washington. In both parties (there go my Democratic readers..)

But what got me and brought a tear to my eye was this sentence:

“And will you allow all of us to recognize and honor the important role you have played over the years?”

They must have seen my shows. My role is to play straight man to a wooden character. It’s sort of like talking to Alan Greenspan.

But that’s not what they mean:

“That night will give President Bush a chance to personally thank you (DO YOU HEAR THAT? IT HE WILL PERSONALLY COME OVER TO ME!) for your work in our 2004 re-election campaign., for helping elect Republican Majorities in the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate and for making the Republican Party America’s Majority Party.

The President’s Dinner here in Washington, D.C. is the perfect opportunity to express our gratitude publicly for all you have done, Mr. Gandelman.

Well, I did do the posts saying I thought the Swift Boats issue was an issue that shouldn’t be in the campaign and that I wouldn’t cover it (I didn’t). Of course, I also said that I wasn’t interested in questions about Bush’s military history and wouldn’t cover that (I didn’t). I wanted the issues to be issues. Ones that matter. Like policy issues. About policies. Could that be what you mean?

Or it could be my posts on Bush’s debate performances. I tried mightily to give Mr. Bush the benefit of the doubt, but in all of my posts I made it clear that when he leaves the White House the one job George Bush will not get is as a college debate instructor. In most of the debates Bush was as eloquent as a cabbage.

I don’t belong to either party. And I won’t join one again, even if I am reincarnated 50 times. Now, it’s true Democrats said this site smelled when we didn’t agree with everything they said. But, then, Republicans said this site reeked when we disagreed with them. And both sides repeatedly asked (and ask): “How can you call yourself a moderate?”

Cheney’s personal letter to me goes on and on. But then he says he needs some money from me but not to take this the wrong way because “while we will raise money toward the 2006 elections that evening, we want to use the night to recognize the vital role you and others have played in our Republican Party’s accomplishments for this great nation.”

I guess he likes our recent posts opposing the President’s stances on Terri Schiavo, the nuclear option and warning that the GOP seems in danger of losing centrists due to its obsession with catering to social conservatives at the expense of other groups.

I actually write these things on an issue by issue basis. I had no idea that in questioning the GOP and being denounced by its most fervent partisans (as I routinely am by email by Democrats who feel I am in the other camp), I was helping the Republican party. I suppose that means when I pointed out that Bob Shrum had the political smarts of a month old decaying sausage that I was helping the Democrats.

Cheney then invites me to “celebrate our Republican Party’s accomplishments” (I don’t belong to it; I’ll let that pass) in the country and in the 2004 campaign. So that means “we’re” still in celebration mode?

But there’s more.

He also informs me that there is a letter from MAJORITY LEADER BILL FRIST with details.

And, here too, Mr. Frist thanks me:”And will you also allow us to honor you, Mr. Gandelman, for your work in the 2004 election?” he asks.

I read this and blush although, again, I still don’t know what I did…

But a FREE MEAL..Honoring ME in Washington???

Oh, rats! There’s a hitch:

He mentions that the dinner is “also about passing the President’s agenda over the coming year and building lasting Republican majorities in both the U.S. Senate and the U.S. House of Representatives.”

So to attend the dinner in my honor, he’d like me to buy a ticket for $2,500 “and a table of ten is $25,000. And seating is limited.”

But if I can’t attend this dinner partly in my honor, Frist notes, I can still be National Sponsor “or even join our select group of State Co-Chairmen!”

I can be honored by giving $150 or more — which will get me “a special limited-edition, individually signed and numbered personal photograph of President and Mrs. Bush as well as a silver National Sponsor Lapel Pin” making me as “a Bush-Cheney insider.”

WHOA! If I give $150 I’m a Bush-Cheney insider. I worked with people who spent years trying to become show biz or political insiders — but here I can be honored AND for just $150 become an insider.

If I become a State Co-Chairman, I get the photo, my “own State Co-Chairman Lapel Pin” and — best of all — “a special collector’s limited edition Presidential Plate for a contribution of at least $500.”

A Presidential Plate. It’s functional. I can eat my KFC on that!

Mr. Cheney and Mr. Frist: I’m DEEPLY honored. But I’m doing my shows, I’m a zillion years behind on my paperwork, I do this blog to maintain my (limited) sanity. I simply can’t get to Washington and pay the money to have you honor me.

Here’s an idea. I’d like to honor YOU.

You come to San Diego and for just $200 I’ll buy you a combination special at Julio’s Family Mexican Restaurant on University Avenue.

I would like to honor all of YOU: for providing me with so much material on this site…and so many laughs — especially when you make promises about trying to bring the American people together.



UPDATE: The Indepundit the ever-independent Citizen Smash got an identical letter saying Cheney was honoring him (and asking for money). And, like me, he’s not a Republican.



UPDATE II: We just got an email from a good friend in Texas who is a Democrat related to a very prominent Democratic lawmaker. It seems Dick Cheney wants to honor him, too!

Hey Joe,

I really don’t mean to burst your bubble, but I… a registered Democrat…got one of Dick’s letters too. Being a Democrat, a Populist, and an unwealthy small business owner, I never even thought of inviting Dick to come to San Antonio so I could honor him for a contribution. Oh well.



I will tell you that I feel much better about my invitation knowing that you got one too. I’d hate to think that the Republican money machine only messed up once. It also proves that they really don’t care who or what you are just so long as you ante-up.



What a great country this is!