The Worst Movie Ever?

The other day I was sitting around with some friends and talking about the worst movies we’d ever seen. One friend said her choice was “Dune,” hands down. Another opined “Waterworld,” which he noted was not only awful but cost a lot to become that awful. Not surprisingly, another person in the group, steeped in bad movie lore, cited Ed Wood’s “Plan 9 From Outer Space”—though at this point I felt obliged to note that the pie plate cum flying saucer in this film and its graveyard scene showed a certain panache that merited a grudging respect.

This past Easter weekend, however, another film got its regular yearly airing, and to my mind claimed the title of worst movie ever. I speak, of course, of that ghastly biblical extravaganza, “The Ten Commandments.”

Charlton Heston as the movie’s Moses, wearing more body grease than Sly Stallone in the opening scenes and sporting a shepherd’s robe after discovering his true identity that looked like it was pinched from a consignment shop , made you wish someone had issued a warning fatwa before he was awarded the role. This massively over-emoting Moses played against special effects backgrounds that even in 1956 when the film was made were amazingly tinny. The only thing missing from the supposed Middle East locales of the film was that giant Hollywood placard identifying its obvious real place of origin. While the burning bush from whence God spoke to Moses in this film resembled a back-lit ficus.

Other actors in “The Ten Commandments” seemed to be attempting, with various degrees of success, to under perform the movie’s star. Like the cabana boy-like character who played Joshua. Had this guy actually been called up to ‘fit the battle of Jericho,’ it’s likely we’d now all still be Baal worshipers. Edward G. Robinson’s nefarious Hebrew bagman for the Egyptian rulers came across like Little Caesar with a metal skull cap. And you half expected the under-dressed pharaoh in this epic, Yul Brynner, to turn to one of his consorts and whisper “Shall We Dance?”

A similar brand of tripe, of course, can be seen in many films. But it was the overall truly bizarre portrayal of religion itself that puts “The Ten Commandments” right down there on the worst of the worst list. This film not only brings into question the validity of Judaism and Christianity, it raises the question of whether monotheism of any kind has the right to exist.

Let us then, each in his or her own way, do everything we can to abolish this cellulose misadventure from ever turning up again when decent people want satisfyingly silly entertainment to round out their weeks. And if we absolutely must have the same film shown every year at this holiday Easter season, let it be something truly uplifting and life affirming. Like, say, “The Wizard Of Oz.”