Torah Used As Kleenex By Detectives (Investigative Report)
From Newspeak Magazine, FRIDAY:
NEWSPEAK MAGAZINE’S PROCTOSCOPE:
“News reports that really stick it to them.”
By Miguel Isacough
Investigators probing police abuses at a rowdy bar mitzvah in Bridgeport, Connecticut have confirmed some infractions alleged in a Temple Mishkan Beth El fund raising letter that surfaced late last year. Among the previously unreported cases, sources tell NEWSPEAK: detectives, in an attempt to rattle suspects, shook them but there was no rattle noise. They also blew their noses, used pages from the holy Torah as Kleenex, deprived the kids use of their VISA cards, and refused to let attendees eat a sacred Jewish dish — Chinese food. They refused to let a working moyel collect tips.
These findings, expected in an upcoming report by in the New Haven Jewish Ledger, could put former Police Detective Howard Schmidlap in the hot seat.
NOTE: A controversy broke out over this story. Newspeak revealed that a trusted source now says he’s uncertain whether the Jewish Ledger will run the report as described. The paper says it has no plans to include the allegations in its report.
Newspeak magazine Editor Michael Whatoccur, SATURDAY:
“We regret that we got any part of our story wrong, and extend our sympathies to victims of the violence in Boca Raton, La Jolla, and Beverly Hills and to the police officers and shopping mall guards caught in its midst.”
Newspeak magazine Editor Michael Whatoccur to the New York Times on the above statement:”We’re not retracting anything. We don’t know what the ultimate facts are.”
Newspeak magazine Editor Michael Whatoccur, MONDAY:
“We regret that we got any part of our story wrong, and extend our sympathies to victims of the violence and to the policemen and shopping mall guards caught in its midst.”
FOONOTE: In case you haven’t guessed, this story isn’t real. In case you’ve forgotten, the above satire refers to this story.
PS: TMV is Jewish, so kindly spare him the accusatory emails.
