What a warmth of feeling and intellectual support can be found in a discussion of human sexuality, once we can all shake out the last of whatever holds us to the same old water mark in cultural discussions of same so we can never progress beyond ‘first reactions’: discomfort, sniggering, and various other ego resistances.
Yet, I just know the editorial cartoonists, who are magicians of the universe with their pithy images and few words, are just sharpening their ink nibs about this study… and I have no doubt before the day is out, there will be a book proposal at Bertelsmann for “2,370 Really Good Reasons to Have Sex,” and its companion volume, “2,370 Really Good Reasons Not to Have Sex.” (237 reasons might make too short a book for the accounting goblins’ desires.)
But on a serious note too, before you read the list, for an x-ray perhaps of your own sexual nature, I’d ask you to write down a dozen, not ‘reasons’ why to ‘have sex,’ but knowings about how the phenomenal resource you’ve been given, that incandescent talent under the broad term, ‘sexuality’… teaches, tells, shows you… whatever of spirit and psychological depth you’ve learned, touched, realized, beheld, understood, seen, effected … that may not be grasped or graspable any other way.
I’ve an eccentric experience in this area: For several years, I taught a psych course called simply ‘Human Sexuality,’ to men and women in locked facilities and prisons. The syllabus looked ‘normal,’ but the teaching I did, was considered subversive; it wasn’t about condoms on bananas and diagrams of reproductive systems. It was about the spirit, the life force inside the sexual nature.
Thus, the purposely meandering question I gave you above, was the first week’s assignment to my students. The same question was also every week’s assignment thereafter, as I asked my students to think more deeply and more deeply yet, past the ego’s and the culture’s fences and defenses.
I know it sounds funny, but if you meet a former felon who knows themselves and their sexual nature, far beyond the usual, they may have been one of my students. I shake my head and am smiling as I write that; this world’s junctures of living circuitry that holds strangers to one another in meaningful ways, are so rare, and at least to the ego are so unsettling, but to the wiser spirit and soul, more often protected and cherished.
I would suggest then, as now, that for those who answer truthfully in depth my open question, being able to drive past the first funny or silly responses, past the polite ones, past injured ones, past learned ones, past the rote ones… they might eventually come into the mother lode of the sexual psyche finally.
There’s a transformative place in the psyche where spirit and sexuality meet and share common arteries, injuries, as well as intelligences … answers at that level about, not ‘reasons for having sex,’ but how one understands and learns and unfolds layer after layer of one’s own sexuality, give quite a different picture of human sexuality, one that draws out a truer human.
There is a truer human in every person, one that is not falsified by persona, despite a mainstream culture daily trying to bury this vital being in each of us, despite so much of culture trying to obliterate signs of literacy about sexuality, which contains such life-giving gifts born into each person, each in his or her own way…
The authors of the study below grouped the responses into four categories. At the point I saw the poll, I saw that literally thousands of categorizations are missing, such as violent/criminal acts (I’d think these most usefully not be grouped with consensual ones).
Also missing are drives for surrender and for mastery. Missing too are all the fetishes and paraphilias, most of the drives toward specific sensory acts, the sharing of fantasies by type, various kinds of theatrical play, giving specific healing, receiving healing… and the long lists of sexual generosities, the desire to praise, to adore, to push, to take are missing also, save those of ego desire to feel an evanescent something.
The list reminds me of only the first week’s answers to my question to persons I was teaching in prisons. Their answers became far more poignant and interesting and anchored in the psyche and body as time went on and focus remained steady. It would seem that knowing one’s sexuality has to be considered, contemplated, sought in depth over time… to take the time… as with any craft, often deepens the art. And the insights.
Kinsey, Masters and Johnson, Friday and Brame and many others are far more reaching, even in their most accessible writings, and were, in their own steads, far more shocking (to some), intriguing (to some) and imaginative ( to some), and educative (to quite a few). To read what Freud actually said about sexuality, rather than the nonsense attributed to Freud, bandied about by the over-culture, is also often startling in imagination and pragmatics.
One of Freud’s ideas about human relationship in the sexual sphere… “How bold one becomes when one is sure of being loved,” soars beyond ‘reasons,’ and moves us into how the psyche is held back or empowered to explore, passionately care for, ideate and display in a far deeper call and response between two human beings when boldness of confidence and confiding are open and held as natural.
Here then, is the list from the study… How shall we find it? I think few of us can ever resists harmlessly comparing ourselves to any list. Check, check, check. Pass, pass, pass. I think the poll is most interesting perhaps as a cultural artifact, and it will be interesting to see what use the designers of the study will put the data to. The quickness with which Buss’s and Meston’s list has been ‘disseminated’ in old and new media, if I may say so, and how ‘lists’ capture our imaginations may be as intriguing as the list itself…
Why Have Sex? (YSEX?) Questionnaire
Developed by Dr. Cindy Meston and Dr. David M. Buss
People have sex (i.e., sexual intercourse) for many different reasons. Below is a list of some of these reasons. Please indicate how frequently each of the following reasons led you to have sex in the past. For example, if about half of the time you engaged in sexual intercourse you did so because you were bored, then you would write “3†beside question 3. If you have not had sex in the past, use the following scale to indicate what the likelihood that each of the following reasons would lead you to have sex.
I have had sex in the past because…
1. None of my sexual experiences 2. A few of my sexual experiences 3. Some of my sexual experiences 4. Many of my sexual experiences 5. All of my sexual experiences
1. I was “in the heat of the moment.â€
2. It just happened.
3. I was bored.
4. It just seemed like “the thing to do.â€
5. Someone dared me.
6. I desired emotional closeness (i.e., intimacy).
7. I wanted to feel closer to God.
8. I wanted to gain acceptance from friends.
9. It’s exciting, adventurous.
10. I wanted to make up after a fight.
11. I wanted to get rid of aggression.
12. I was under the influence of drugs.
13. I wanted to try to get a better mate than my current mate.
14. I wanted to express my love for the person.
15. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
16. I wanted to show my affection to the person.
17. I felt like I owed it to the person.
18. I was attracted to the person.
19. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
20. My friends were having sex and I wanted to fit in.
21. It feels good.
22. My partner kept insisting.
23. The person was famous and I wanted to be able to say I had sex with him/her.
24. I was physically forced to.
25. I was verbally coerced into it.
26. I wanted the person to love me.
27. I wanted to have a child.
28. I wanted to make someone else jealous.
29. I wanted to have more sex than my friends.
30. I was married and you’re supposed to.
31. I was tired of being a virgin.
32. I was “horny.â€
33. I wanted to feel loved.
34. I was feeling lonely.
35. Everyone else was having sex.
36. I wanted the attention.
37. It was easier to “go all the way†than to stop.
38. I wanted to ensure the relationship was “committed.â€
I have had sex in the past because…
1 2 3 4 5
39. I was competing with someone else to “get the person.â€
40. I wanted to “gain control†of the person.
41. I was curious about what the person was like in bed.
42. I was curious about sex.
43. I wanted to feel attractive.
44. I wanted to please my partner.
45. I wanted to display submission.
46. I wanted to release anxiety/stress
47. I didn’t know how to say “no.â€
48. I felt like it was my duty.
49. I wanted to end the relationship.
50. My friends pressured me into it.
51. I wanted the adventure/excitement.
52. I wanted the experience.
53. I felt obligated to.
54. It’s fun.
55. I wanted to get even with someone (i.e., revenge).
56. I wanted to be popular.
57. It would get me gifts.
58. I wanted to act out a fantasy.
59. I hadn’t had sex for a while.
60. The person was “available.â€
61. I didn’t want to “lose†the person.
62. I thought it would help “trap†a new partner.
63. I wanted to capture someone else’s mate.
64. I felt sorry for the person.
65. I wanted to feel powerful.
66. I wanted to “possess†the person.
67. I wanted to release tension.
68. I wanted to feel good about myself.
69. I was slumming.
70. I felt rebellious.
71. I wanted to intensify my relationship.
72. It seemed like the natural next step in my relationship.
73. I wanted to be nice.
74. I wanted to feel connected to the person.
75. I wanted to feel young.
76. I wanted to manipulate him/her into doing something for me.
77. I wanted him/her to stop bugging me about sex.
78. I wanted to hurt/humiliate the person.
79. I wanted the person to feel good about himself/herself.
80. I didn’t want to disappoint the person.
81. I was trying to “get over†an earlier person/relationship.
82. I wanted to reaffirm my sexual orientation.
83. I wanted to try out new sexual techniques or positions.
84. I felt guilty.
I have had sex in the past because…
1 2 3 4 5
85. My hormones were out of control.
86. It was the only way my partner would spend time with me.
87. It became a habit.
88. I wanted to keep my partner happy.
89. I had no self-control.
90. I wanted to communicate at a “deeper” level.
91. I was afraid my partner would have an affair if I didn’t have sex with him/her.
92. I was curious about my sexual abilities.
93. I wanted a “spiritual” experience.
94. It was just part of the relationship “routine.”
95. I wanted to lose my inhibitions.
96. I got “carried away.”
97. I needed another “notch on my belt.”
98. The person demanded that I have sex with him/her.
99. The opportunity presented itself.
100. I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex while stoned (e.g., on marijuana or some other drug).
101. It’s considered “taboo†by society.
102. I wanted to increase the number of sex partners I had experienced.
103. The person was too “hot†(sexy) to resist.
104. I thought it would relax me.
105. I thought it would make me feel healthy.
106. I wanted to experiment with new experiences.
107. I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex with another person.
108. I thought it would help me to fall asleep.
109. I could brag to other people about my sexual experience.
110. It would allow me to “get sex out of my system†so that I could focus on other things.
111. I wanted to decrease my partner’s desire to have sex with someone else.
112. It would damage my reputation if I said “no.â€
113. The other person was too physically attractive to resist.
114. I wanted to celebrate something.
115. I was seduced.
116. I wanted to make the person feel better about herself/himself.
117. I wanted to increase the emotional bond by having sex.
118. I wanted to see whether sex with a different partner would feel different or better.
119. I was mad at my partner, so I had sex with someone else.
120. I wanted to fulfill a previous promise to my partner.
121. It was expected of me.
122. I wanted to keep my partner from straying.
123. I wanted the pure pleasure.
124. I wanted to dominate the other person.
125. I wanted to make a conquest.
126. I’m addicted to sex.
127. It was a favor to someone.
128. I wanted to be used or degraded.
129. Someone offered me money to do it.
I have had sex in the past because…
1 2 3 4 5
130. I was drunk.
131. It seemed like good exercise.
132. I was pressured into doing it.
133. The person offered to give me drugs for doing it.
134. I was frustrated and needed relief.
135. It was a romantic setting.
136. I felt insecure.
137. My regular partner is boring, so I had sex with someone else.
138. I was on the “rebound†from another relationship.
139. I wanted to boost my self-esteem
140. I wanted to get my partner to stay with me.
141. Because of a bet.
142. It was a special occasion.
143. It was the next step in the relationship.
144. I wanted to get a special favor from someone.
145. I wanted to get back at my partner for having cheated on me.
146. I wanted to enhance my reputation.
147. I wanted to keep warm.
148. I wanted to punish myself.
149. I wanted to break up a rival’s relationship by having sex with his/her partner.
150. I wanted to stop my partners’ nagging.
151. I wanted to achieve an orgasm.
152. I wanted to brag to friends about my conquests.
153. I wanted to improve my sexual skills.
154. I wanted to get a job.
155. I wanted to get a raise.
156. I wanted to get a promotion.
157. I wanted to satisfy a compulsion.
158. I wanted to make money.
159. I wanted to keep my partner satisfied.
160. I wanted to change the topic of conversation.
161. I wanted to get out of doing something.
162. I wanted to test my compatibility with a new partner.
163. I wanted to get a partner to express love.
164. I wanted to put passion back into my relationship.
165. I wanted to prevent a breakup.
166. I wanted to become one with another person.
167. I wanted to get a favor from someone.
168. I wanted to breakup my relationship.
169. I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease (e.g., herpes, AIDS).
170. I wanted to breakup another’s relationship.
171. I wanted to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
172. I wanted to make myself feel better about myself.
173. I wanted to get rid of a headache.
174. I was afraid to say “no” due to the possibility of physical harm.
175. I wanted to keep my partner from straying.
I have had sex in the past because…
1 2 3 4 5
176. I wanted to burn calories.
177. I wanted to even the score with a cheating partner.
178. I wanted to hurt an enemy.
179. I wanted to feel older.
180. It is my genetic imperative.
181. It was an initiation rite to a club or organization.
182. I wanted to become more focused on work – sexual thoughts are distracting.
183. I wanted to say “I’ve missed you.”
184. I wanted to celebrate a birthday or anniversary or special occasion.
185. I wanted to say “I’m sorry.”
186. I wanted to return a favor.
187. I wanted to say “Thank You.”
188. I wanted to welcome someone home.
189. I wanted to say “goodbye.”
190. I wanted to defy my parents.
191. I wanted to relieve menstrual cramps.
192. I wanted to relieve “blue balls.â€
193. I wanted to get the most out of life.
194. I wanted to feel feminine.
195. I wanted to feel masculine.
196. I am a sex addict.
197. I wanted to see what all the fuss is about.
198. I thought it would boost my social status.
199. The person had a lot of money.
200. The person’s physical appearance turned me on.
201. The person was a good dancer.
202. Someone had told me that this person was good in bed.
203. The person had beautiful eyes.
204. The person made me feel sexy.
205. An erotic movie had turned me on.
206. The person had taken me out to an expensive dinner.
207. The person was a good kisser.
208. The person had bought me jewelry.
209. The person had a great sense of humor.
210. The person seemed self-confident.
211. The person really desired me.
212. The person was really desired by others.
213. I wanted to gain access to that person’s friend.
214. I felt jealous.
215. The person flattered me.
216. I wanted to see if I could get the other person into bed.
217. The person had a desirable body.
218. I had not had sex in a long time.
219. The person smelled nice.
220. The person had an attractive face.
I have had sex in the past because…
1 2 3 4 5
221. I saw the person naked and could not resist.
222. I was turned on by the sexual conversation.
223. The person was intelligent.
224. The person caressed me.
225. The person wore revealing clothes.
226. The person had too much to drink and I was able to take advantage of him/her.
227. I knew the person was usually “out of my league.â€
228. The person was mysterious.
229. I realized I was in love.
230. I wanted to forget about my problems.
231. I wanted to reproduce.
232. I/she was ovulating.
233. I wanted my partner to notice me.
234. I wanted to help my partner forget about his/her problems.
235. I wanted to lift my partner’s spirits.
236. I wanted to submit to my partner.
237. I wanted to make my partner feel powerful.
Meston, C., & Buss, D.M. (2007). Why humans have sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36, 477-507.