Balance, Not Perfection
The Plain Dealer published this op-ed, written by me, on May 5, 2005. I cannot state any more clearly why I believe parents should share with other parents, “how they do it,” and particularly a parent, such as Sarah Palin, who is holding out that status as a qualification for being second in line to the United States President.
There’s no shortage of documentation about how mothers feel crushed between simultaneous responsibilities. Earlier this year, Newsweek published a cover story based on Judith Warner’s book, “Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety,” which explores women’s feelings when their career woman role collides with being a mother. A New York Times piece, called “Mommy (and me),” detailed the explosion in online chronicles of parents’ angst. And a new industry — parent coaching — seeks to capitalize on the critical mass of worry.
Unfortunately, this type of sympathy perpetuates the very assumption we need to attack: that integrating motherhood into our lives can and should be performed perfectly, without anxiety and in harmony with all other desires. I say this as a mother whose family would nominate her to be the poster child for Warner’s book faster than she could speed dial the pediatrician.
We need to refocus the debate and affirm a mother’s efforts without applying a win-lose analysis to them. We need to stop pandering to the belief that a mother can function perfectly if only she watches enough episodes of “Supernanny,” digests enough parenting manuals and increases the memory in her PalmPilot.
Take me, for example.
By the time I turned 30, I’d earned two graduate degrees, gotten married and was pregnant with my first child. Over the course of eight years, I took three maternity leaves and worked a variety of schedules at a large, mental-health agency. For the last three years, I’ve worked 10 to 15 hours weekly from home. I circumnavigate the same six streets up to nine times a day as I take my kids to and from school, dance, art, friends’ homes and birthday parties. I volunteer in the schools and attend a variety of monthly meetings in the evenings.
What’s not perfect?
Well, I’ve had multiple fender benders, locked my kids in the car and locked all of us out of the car (both inadvertently), blown three tires in four months by driving over a stroller, a bungee cord and a curb (I was late to the carpool pickup line), mailed thank you cards two months after receiving the present and, this year, I sunk to a new low: preschool guests at my son’s birthday party received candy-filled Chuck E. Cheese goody bags because I was too lazy to scour stores for politically correct items like puzzles or inexpensive books.
Heck, I’ve consumed three brownies in five minutes just exposing these flaws.
And still, I don’t view myself as a slacker (loser) mom or a super (winner) mom.
Why not? Because no matter how many trips I take to the body shop or how many gallons of gas my car guzzles, my situation isn’t tough, or even undesirable. I’m lucky, and my kids are lucky, too.
I’m not single, unemployed, financially poor, in my teens, or physically or mentally disabled, and none of my kids require assistance beyond my means or abilities. To rant about my life as difficult, when thousands of mothers who bear the burden of these special circumstances live within miles of me, would be insensitive and insulting, to say the least.
I’ve also always expected that motherhood would demand that I drop a ball or two in order to catch others, no matter how big or heavy they got.
Where did I get this idea?
From my own mother, who married at 19, had three kids by 26 and viewed millions of fruit flies as a lab researcher. Her intellectual passion occasionally kindled embers of ambition, like when she studied at night to take the law school entrance exam. But my father’s home business consumed her talents, the family needed her job’s health benefits and her law school plans flamed out. Yet, at 66 years old, she still rejects the label of martyr.
When beliefs about how mothers should fulfill numerous roles clash with reality, we need to correct those beliefs. We must not settle for merely educating others — through our complaints — about the pain or impossibility of role integration. Rather than cater to the unattainable and destructive goal of perfection, we need to change it. Through our actions and our words, we must model a balanced and achievable image of motherhood.
How else will our children learn to value it?
Zimon is a contributing editor and columnist for Cleveland Family magazine.
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5 Responses to “Balance, Not Perfection”
Solution: Palin hires a governess : )
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[...] Balance, Not Perfection [...]
I heard that Palin's husband quit his job and raises the kids with a nanny.
BTW: Amongst my very unscientific social circles, I heard some interesting views-actually they were the opposite of what I would have expected. My bowling team has membert are well off, yet closer to blue collar, they are the first generation who went to college, active members of their parish and have 4 or 5 kids each. While they felt sympathetic to Palin, they couldn't believe she would subject her family to that kind of spot light and endanger her youngest with the long plane trip after her water broke.
The women I play tennis with, could more easily fit in the elite category. College and or Grad school. Kids at expensive private schools, Only 2 kids at most. Stay at home and do the committee work. They thought she was great. Go Figure.
Perhaps it was because the tennis group is more laisse faire and focused on the no new taxes and the bowling group as Catholic's mistrust her Christianist impulses, and react more intently to the mothering (or lack of mothering)impulses she shows. Just thought it was interesting.
Nuh uh – that's not the issue. The issue isn't what should she do – the issue is: what has she been doing. And not so we can judge her choices – like everyone wants to shriek that it's about. They're wrong. Which is why we haven't dropped this yet.
The reason we want to know what she has been doing is because women who care about women tell other women how she does it all – if in fact she is doing it all, and if she isn't, what happens when she doesn't.
Among women, we don't ask these questions and listen to the answers to scold anyone – we ask because we want to know: HOW CAN WE DO IT TOO.
Because THAT is the one thing that Palin COULD do which she isn't even remotely showing an interest in doing – and that is, helping create environments so that all women can reach for and attain their ambitions – including being parents – the way she has.
Why should she be able to achieve this status and not other working mothers? We need to know how she does it.
It's amazing to me how people refuse to see that in so many women's circles, this is what it's about – learning: how does she do it all, and does she.
THAT would show me she's a real woman. So far – she presents her family but then presents herself as dramatically distanced from them. I find it odd, to say the least.
Kathryn – that's fascinating. Here's the breakdown, from as many women as I can think of:
Me – going Obama, after voting Clinton in primary and not liking either – but I like Biden; Palin is a throwback for me
My mother: was John Edwards, now Obama – she's 69, worked outside the home and in business w/my dad – married at 19, first child at 20, married 50 years!
Woman who has a cleaning business and I've known for 14 years: lives in a moderate conservative NEOhio county represented by Steve LaTourette – she voted Hillary, then started to think McCain and when Palin came on, she said no way – but…this woman's husband loves Palin – he is a higher level blue collar manager
Neighbor who is Puerto Rican is a school psychologist, one child in college, two still in public school, husband is in construction industry (like civil engineering): she's Obama all the way and I'll be going to her home to help learn more, with other women from around our area (east suburb of Cleveland) about how to help Obama and Biden
Religious school secretary (full-time job): she voted Clinton, feels she cannot vote for Obama – she does not trust him, was thinking McCain, hates Palin and now is thinking that she'll either not vote or go for Obama (personally, I think it's the group like this that Obama should think about – he needs to show consistency and commitment and polish)
Female urologist with three kids all in parochial school: was very excited about Palin but knew nothing – when I mentioned a few of Palin's positions, she got a little wary and appreciated hearing that and said she'd be sure to read and listen.
A PhD educated woman who is now in law school and blog infrequently told me that she would be voting McCain and feels that Palin is very eh – that there were many far better choices, but she doesn't really see herself going for Obama (which I can understand because this woman really is a moderate Republican – so I can understand that Obama just doesn't cut it close enough to the center for her).
Over at BlogHer, you will find very pro-Palin posts, and not so pro-Palin posts.
That's all I can think of at the moment but in general, I stick by my prediction that this risk will not pay off for McCain at all.