President Trump, surrounded by his entire cabinet, held his 750th daily press conference today. The following is a rough, annotated, somewhat edited, somewhat cleaned-up transcript.
FOX NEWS WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT #1: Mr. President, do you have any regrets about the drone strike that wiped out the vacation cabin of the Mexican Secretary of the Interior and Transportation because he called your press secretary a “Big Fat Idiot”?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: [With Vice President Ted Cruz — smiling and rubbing his hands — by his side] Absolutely not. In fact, I did it for fun and my entire cabinet had a good time. Besides, I paid for the drone myself. I am very rich, you know. [Turning to his secretary of defense, John Bolton, Trump winks] Good job, John.
U.S. AMBASSADOR TO THE UNITED NATIONS SARAH PALIN [quickly jumps in and with a double-wink to Bolton]: Way to go, John. America is great again!
[Note: President Trump appointed Ms. Palin to that position mainly because she can keep an eye on Russia from her home]
PRESIDENT TRUMP: By the way, talking about those [expletive deleted] Mexicans — yes there are some decent ones — remember how the left wing media attacked me when I told the truth about hose [expletive deleted] Mexicans their government was sending across our borders, people who were bringing drugs, crime and were raping our women? Now, three years into my presidency, just look at the America I have made great, as I promised: Not a single murder, rape or drug arrest since I became your President.
PRESIDENT TRUMP [continuing]: All because with my second executive order, I built that great wall, as promised, complete with a mile-wide no man’s zone full of TEDs [Trump’s Explosive Devices], the latter paid with my own money, not a penny of your tax dollars was spent. Did I tell you I am very rich? That is the bonus you get when you elect as your president a person worth nine billion dollars.
[Note: President Trump’s first executive order rescinded all awards and decorations to military who had been “stupid enough” to be captured by the enemy.]
VICE PRESIDENT CRUZ [not able to control himself any longer]: Y’all can finally see the results of our joint efforts, we have finally taken our country back for real Americans who are now brighter, whiter and better informed…
PRESIDENT TRUMP [reclaiming the microphones]: Talking about being better informed, just look around you: No NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN or any of those Al-Jazeera-like reporters to twist my words and to take them out of context.
BBC WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT [the only non-Fox correspondent left in the press corps]: Mr. President, the BBC is poised to publish a story documenting how during the final days of the presidential campaign, in what many call a new low, you called your opponent, Democratic Party nominee Hillary Clinton a [expletive deleted-expletive deleted]. Will you issue an apology?
ATTORNEY GENERAL MICHAEL COHEN [jumping in]: “Objection! You write that story and I will make sure that you and I meet at a federal courthouse and I will take you and your BBC for every worthless British pound you have and will mess up your life. So I’m warning you, tread very [expletive deleted] lightly, because what I’m going to do to you is going to be [expletive deleted] disgusting. Just ask that Huffington [expletive deleted] what happened to her rag when she decided to relegate my boss to the funny pages.
[Note: Just before his inauguration, Mr. Trump sued the Huffington Post, bought it out for an undisclosed amount and renamed it “Trump’s Trumpet.”]
PRESIDENT TRUMP [pointing at the BBC correspondent]: You are fired!
[As the BBC correspondent is escorted out by the Secret Service, applause erupts and the press corps chants “USA, USA.”]
FOX CORRESPONDENT #2: Mr. President, how is the investigation into the fake birth certificate of the former president going?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: I will let the FBI Director answer that.
FBI DIRECTOR “SHERIFF” JOE ARPAIO: [Still sporting his guns]: Rest assured that the investigation into that fraud of a president is still active. However, all our law enforcement agencies are so busy investigating so many crimes of the former administration — Benghazi, Clinton’s e-mails, the IRS scandals, Obamacare, etc., etc. — that we have had to put that one on the backburner for the time being. By the way, don’t forget our number one priority case: the discovery that several White House towels went missing when the previous first family left the people’s home.
WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY RUSH LIMBAUGH: Well, that’s all you people. See you again tomorrow for another fun-filled comedy hour…err, press conference.
Lead photo: Andrew Cline / Shutterstock.com
The author is a retired U.S. Air Force officer and a writer.